A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

That's all great, @LittleBigFoot - really solid work you're doing.

Thank you, that means a lot really. No one back home recognizes any of that.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Today is really hard.

I’m hitting a big block in energy, instead of 30 minutes of the arc I was only able to do 15 before feeling like I was dying. Which has me even angrier at myself than I was. On the way to the gym I was. . . not pleasant. Ran into construction/traffic and literally screamed and threw a tantrum about it and spun around to go a different way which of course didn’t actually save any time. But I was so full of rage at that moment. Usually when I hit traffic like that I roll my eyes and shrug, if even that much. I know part of the energy block might be how restrictive on calories but it’s working and I can’t stop now while the goings good. A week and a half ago I weighed at 279 and today I was 273. Compared to any time before that’s amazing.

T tomorrow though and I don’t feel ready. We’ll be first going over the safety plan she assigned. But I really don’t want to, there’s so much of it I really struggled to fill out. I emailed her about that and she said to just do the best I can for now and we’ll go over it in session. The biggest hurdle is which people would I want stepping in if they need to and frankly? No one. I don’t want anyone coming in and intruding when all I want to do is what I want to do. It’s not like anyone would take it seriously anyway. It’d be okayyyyy is this really necessary? You’re fine, you just need to quit feeling sorry about shit, we all have our shit and we’re fine. This is really unnecessary but sure I’ll “take over” *insert eye roll*. And then it will be forgotten and things will continue as they’ve always been. With me just steadily getting worse and worse.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

What is loving sex?

 

[joeylittle]

The biggest hurdle is which people would I want stepping in if they need to and frankly? No one. I don’t want anyone coming in and intruding when all I want to do is what I want to do. It’s not like anyone would take it seriously anyway.

Sometimes, with a safety plan, the answer is - "hospital staff". In other words, if you don't feel comfortable involving someone in your life with this stuff - you don't have to. But you do need to know what steps you will follow. The steps might be, crisis line then 911. Or, could be, "take myself to the hospital".

Part of why I chose my therapist was because he'd do crisis support for me, as part of the safety contract. But even then, there have been times where he wasn't reachable, and my next step involved driving to the hospital and sitting in the parking lot. And if I couldn't calm down, sitting in the waiting room of the ER.

And that's the last place I actually want to be - which makes it a useful deterrent, so long as I'm invested in following the steps.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Oh that’s weird. IFS is very very different from what I’m used to but holy shit this is kind of cool.

First of all- gotta have a theme song for this post because it just fits Welcome to the Freakshow by No Name Faces.

So today was an intro that went a decent bit further than I expected. I definitely expected to need to force my imagination to just come up with *something* but surprisingly things clicked as we went along.

My space- I can’t see the whole house or location yet. All I see is one room but it’s clear it’s in the middle of a house and sadly no windows. I don’t know why because I’m obsessed with needing windows all around and this room is more of a center of the house den. It’s very clear it’s not a living room, like that’s starkly stated in my room like there’s supposed to be a point to that but I don’t know what. What I do know is it’s smallish, like maybe 12x12 or less. There’s a white brick fireplace on one wall, the adjacent wall has the door, just simple white. The walls are a deep cream color (again odd because I actually hate cream/tan/beige colors). But there are no main lights, the only lights are from the fireplace and the fairy lights strung about. No chairs, just piles of blankets and pillows along the perimeter. The walls are just the blank cream and come to think of it all the pillows and blankets are as well, they have different textures but where is my color?

Parts so far:

Tina (dunno wtf that name came from): binge part. She is a frumpy middle aged woman with short shoulder length hair who is very “Karen” and is just generally unpleasant in her vibe. She’s grumpy as hell and doesn’t want to be here. Yet she’s the first to arrive and take a seat and refuses to look anywhere other than her lap. Her clothes are ill fitting and she’s just ugh, has zero joy about her.

Madison (where are these names coming from?): 14 year old me. Pisssssed off at the world. Folded arms. Sex appeal. Skinny as f*ck. Doesn’t want to be here either, would rather be anywhere else and preferably with a boyfriend, but was the second to voluntarily arrive and sit. Refuses to acknowledge anyone else in the room and has her mind on what she’d rather be doing.

Some kind of shadow? I don’t know the name, don’t know anything other than the feeling of this other presence who slipped in third. Watches everyone and is content to be absorbed into the background and is very psychologist-ish, like fascinated with what’s going on but refuses to show themselves.

Greg (apparently names just happen lol): apparently there’s a male part even though I’m fully comfy being female. . . Fourth to arrive and was late, like significantly late and knows it. He’s a middle aged man who seems possibly homeless given his appearance and is tweaked the f*ck out. Soooooo anxious. Refuses to fully come in the room let alone sit down. Fidgeting and restless and pacing and can’t calm. Kind of wants to be here but also feels like he shouldn’t want to be and kind of feels nervous and ashamed of it.

General vibe going on when being welcomed: eyebrows raised and skeptical and like a depressing court mandated AA group session.

And that’s all for now folks shit this is weird.

Oh and homework this week is to notice if any other people/emotions/whatever show up and attempt to identify them.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Another weird response in relation to how the room looks. T had me let them know they could rearrange/redecorate/add things/whatever to help make it their own and the immediate response across the board was NO! Huge fear (but not a part?) popped up that we can’t mess up someone else’s space that you have to stay respectful and not mess things up for people.

 

[Sideways]

like a depressing court mandated AA group session.

I'm sorry, but this made me laugh, because that is exactly what the vibe was like the first time I got my parts to meet. It was, and remains, a conference room, so slightly more court mandated divorce mediation, but yup, very awkward! I wasn't doing IFS, but it was a similar set up.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

I'm sorry, but this made me laugh, because that is exactly what the vibe was like the first time I got my parts to meet. It was, and remains, a conference room, so slightly more court mandated divorce mediation, but yup, very awkward! I wasn't doing IFS, but it was a similar set up.

Don’t apologize, we were both cracking up lol. It’s just bizarre .

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Strange things afoot and I don’t trust it. I feel like there’s some kind of placebo effect and I’m not in reality. I’m not dissociated, that’s not what I mean. But more that my typical reality is very negative and depressing and physically tiring and kind of painful, like my body hurts most of the time in just this low achy-ness that I’ve just gotten used to.

Today, and last night, is different. There’s still a fair amount of tension causing some ache but not like it usually is. I also slept really freaking good, when I woke I actually was able to get out of bed right away out of wanting to. Typically it’s laying in bed for a few more hours and basically zoning in on something then rushing cause I’m suddenly running behind.

Today, I got up, cooked up good food. That’s another thing. I didn’t binge last night and I didn’t feel the need to restrict nearly as hard. What I was doing was keeping daily calories as far under 500 a day I could stand. I had planned to do that yesterday too, then therapy happened and since then there’s been this calmness and I haven’t felt such a drive to fill that space and keep myself occupied. I made chicken and veggies, so not high calorie but ate more than what I would have usually restricted and also stopped before I felt any pain from being overly full. I was able to do that again this morning as well.

Now I’m sitting here and feeling a little lost. I’m not feeling chaotic and I’m not zoning in on any one thing. I keep thinking this is awesome I should take advantage of this little boost and get some work done in the yard or in the house. But instead I still sit and talk my self out of it out of a fear that this feel good isn’t real and this isn’t what my reality is like and so I shouldn’t trust it and instead should sit here and conserve my energy and time for work later and not exhaust myself now. It’s almost paralyzing, I’m sitting here terrified of jinxing this good day.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

f*ck. Only 20 minutes at the gym. Goddamnit.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

At least I moved today.
At least I moved today.
At least I moved today.
At least I moved today.

Stupid compassion bullshit I just had to go and preach about.

 

[internal]

Stupid compassion bullshit I just had to go and preach about.

i enjoyed it.