Relationship How Do You Stay When You Feel So Tired And Alone?

[amethist]

Good going sickofit. Hope you can do this more often.

Amethist

 

[hopelives]

Well today was really good. My husband came to church this morning. YAY;) and than we came home and had a great lunch and than the kids and I went and did some stuff this afternoon. Than I asked my husband to help to me with the night time routine. He helped me by talking to the kids and spent some one on one time with the older kids. After an 1hour with the kids he was done. I am now sitting with the kids and watching a nature show than they are off to bed. But look I am really happy he spent that time with them that is more positive time he has spent with them in a long time.

Have to see that is a good move. :)

 

[Nicolette]

Really great news sickofit. Small improvements with PTSD are significant so hold onto those thoughts for when times get a bit bumpy.

 

[hopelives]

Well last night he came up and we had a big talk. I talked about things that were concerning me and he not only listened but applogised for a few things he has said to the kids. He even said he was sorry for making me feel sad and down. Now for him to appologise for making my feelings hurt is HUGE. As he usually says my feelings are my fault and my problem.

I suppose it is the small things that count right now. I felt so happy that he acknowledge his behavior on a few things. Also clarified a few other things as well.

 

[Jawn]

This is good sickofit......very good in my opinion. Yes you have to remember the small things right now, but I think this was a big step for him and hopefully a step in the right direction.

Jawn

 

[hopelives]

OMG he came up today while I was mowing the lawn without my asking to talk to and play with the children. he stayed for over an hour while I mowed and cleaned the yard. He was really nice to me too. I took him dinner before and he was laughing and talking to me. Felt really nice to have him be nice to me.

I feel so happy.

 

[hopelives]

Well yesterday I was really down and almost depressed my self yesterday. I felt low physically and that translated to me mentally I was just annoyed and tired. I went and got some herbs to prep myself up and I feel so much better.

My husband is still struggling with being around us much or helping. BUT I must say he is started to feel a bit better within himself. I have had a lot of financial pressure on me due to christmas and a heap of bills comming in. But things are starting to work themselves out there. I feel very alone with it all and the truth is I am.

I am starting to not take things as personally which is helping. I think for too long I have taken the whole thing as he wouldn't hvae this if he hadn't married me. That thinking was confirmed by a stupid therapist that thought that was helpful to tell my husband and I that he wouldn't be this ill if he was single. :mad: But that is not truth that is fiction when I think back my husband had a couple of episodes before we were even married but we both thought they were viruses that had him out of sorts. This has been there for years and has lay dormant. In actual fact it is because I love him so much that he is displaying this whole load of crap.

I am driving him to this therapy as he gets quiet distressed while driving it stresses him. But the kids and I are having fun while he is there so that is nice.

I am getting more organised and also my house is becomming cleaner as I am more in control of things. The kids behaviour is improving too. I am standing more firm with them and that is helping them.

My husband has homework this week of reading 5 chapters in a book the therapist game him. MMMMM lets just say he isn't impressed.lol But he has read one chapter and said it was excelent. But for some reason the pressure to do it is stressing him. All I can do is encourage when he mentions it. :) I am not bringing it up as that would be me putting pressure on him to do that and that is not my job. AH that has taken me 8yrs to master.lol

 

[hopelives]

Well one of my daughters is vomitting and not holding fluid. My husband wasn't interested in that. But I went and told him that he might need to mind her while I go to the shops and he went on about how he doesn't want to know about this as this is not his concern. :confused: So I just left and I will deal with it myself. She is on the couch and I will get the doctor to do a homevisit. I will have to go the shops quick with the kids.

 

[hopelives]

How do you become single and act like a single parent. When the other parent is not existant. He is making no discions on anything. I am responsible for everything. I am a bit lost really. I dont know how to not consider him. But the truth is I have to just get on with it. He doesn't want to contribute to anything. But than when I go and do things without consulting he acts like I should have consulted him. But than when I try and talk he is like that is stressful just deal with it.

AAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHH I just feel too much guilt for crap that isn't my problem. Im in a marriage but Im single and I have to just do what i feel is right and not stress that I am doing the right thing. I think part of the problem is my faith. As I am meant ot submit to my husband and my husband has for years wanted me too and made me out to be horrible that I can't. But the truth is you cant submit to a mentally unstable person. I need to be stable.

Sorry for the rant. Im just having a bad moment.

 

[Nicolette]

How do you become single and act like a single parent. When the other parent is not existant. He is making no discions on anything. I am responsible for everything. I am a bit lost really. I dont know how to not consider him. But the truth is I have to just get on with it. He doesn't want to contribute to anything. But than when I go and do things without consulting he acts like I should have consulted him. But than when I try and talk he is like that is stressful just deal with it..

Hmmmm...tough stuff. I can imagine how hard it is as I was a single mum for a hell of a lot of years. Having a male body in the house doesn't change "all the responsibility status" either as I had boyfriends who did that.

My advice. Give you husband a kick up the bum. Tell him he either acts like a father, participates and gets a say otherwise butt out, stay out and have no say. It's easier to deal with all the responsibility if you know it is yours. If you're in limbo or the line is blurred that is harder to deal with and you end up hurt and disappointed.

I would also say it's ok to be 'sick' sometimes but my expectations of you for the better part of the time are....... set some boundaries which are fair and if he doesn't step up you then make the best decisions for you and the children.

I would also say if you don't want to make decisions that is fine, please tell me now, so I know where I stand but remember that with doing that you give up certain rights.....it's called consequences!:rolleyes:

Sounds harsh and easier said than done.............and it also takes time....you can't go like a bull at a gate but trust me you can turn this around if your husband is willing. Don't whine though, just be polite, direct and set expectations. Then you call the shots based on what reactions you get.

 

[hopelives]

Well we had a discussion about it last night when I cried. And he just hugged me and said babe I trust you and the only reason I look like that is because I feel bad that I can't help so that helped. It is best that he doesnt help with the kids at times as he doesn't really cope and it stresses the kids out.

Also the therapist has started to give him timelines and he is challenging my husband to change. Also my husband said some rather flattering things about me last night when we were talking about things. One of the books that he is reading for therapy was talking about what type of people you marry and I said wow do you think I am a cold hearted person and he hugged me and said actually I realised how blessed I was as you love me and you are so far from cold that I am more blessed than others going through this.

I know it isn't that much and it is just words but to me it made me feel like he sees. I am a very passionate person about things. Also I am a very loving person.

At the moment I have to stop thinking it is about me. I have to just step out and do what I need to. My husband totally supports me he says to do this as I need to. He also said he realises how unhealthy he has been with his relationship with me.

This book he is reading "how to reinvent your life" has been amazing. It totally nailed my husband on the head and also gave me an insight into how my husband thinks. there was a quizz he completed in the book and the answers he gave were different from what I would have thought. So that was good to see what he really thinks.

Thanks guys for giving me advidse and Nic I totally agree with all you have said.

 

[hopelives]

Hi all

I have changed a lot of things in the last couple of days. I am more in control of things and much happier within myself. I am not waiting on my husband to make choices I am simply doing what needs to be done.

My husband has been reading his book more and has opened his eyes a lot to how he has been acting and treating us. It has in a way been empowering him to really see what is happening. Although things arent changing in him doing more it is changing in him seeing his behaviour and taking ownership.

There is a lot going on and I am totally not ready for Christmas but I am making plans for next year and taking care of the families needs. including booking a holiday for next year. My husband has said he doesn't want to spend the money and has stopped me booking any holidays. Well I am taking one with the kids even if he cant come we are going to go and have a break.

Anyway I am so renovating the house which is good fun and doing gardening. My dad said he will come and help me soon with some of the major stuff but I am just doing what I can afford and going from there.

I feel so much more positive about things and I hope I can build on that.