Anyone Else Have Trouble Completely Opening Up To Therapist?

[anni]

Wow. I came back over to this old thread to see what had been 'liked'. It's impressive people do tool around old threads-I'm lacking the focus to do this at the moment and need to very much. Something really good just happened, although have to say it feels absolutely, completely beyond dreadful so please excuse if I take a little while getting to the point ( if anyone's left standing through sheer boredom/fatigue at this point, much less when I finally get there). Refocusing and containing things across the board is the only way sometimes I can function, and mostly the reason for long posts. Regrouping as I speak.

It was a sucky, surreal friggin awful holiday. No, noone died so perhaps this person who gets to go to sleep in saftey every night, with a full stomach, next to a husband who would rather cut off an appendage than hit me should just plain get over it already. Believe me- have been workingggg at it.. I've been logged on here as a guest more hours than anyone knows, reading the articles, watching strong people doing body-curls with their intellect and emotions, not sharing out of the ridiculous nature of Feeling Like This, disallowing plain old shame to be recognized. I still think it's stupid but these glasses smudged all over with the guilt/shame/fear dynamics have those ear-pieces attached to them which just will not SHUT UP, already. I came over here, read the thread and then was going to tip toe out of it, shutting the door again softly so noone would even know I'd been here then thought WHAT am I doing- so am writing through both pulse and BP through the dam roof. This thread contains information which was horrible to write in the first place, and I was more than happy to shut the door on it the first time, gosh, 'what it' anyone saw it AGAIN?? .Feeding the shame is what I'm doing. 'Unhelpful Thinking Styles'. Anthony, if ever you feel noone has been listening, believe me, I can quote whole paragraphs.

The dynamics of What Happened are probably not all that important, but the shame which manifested and has set up this old, old seemingly impervious to years of therapy mind set which is on a loop. Everytime the loop spins, it picks up more flotsam from the bottom of the mudhole. At the very least, I did NOT tiptoe out of here but there's going to be a 'last post by Anni' blurb under the 'What's New' function, which in my head will be shame and guilt I'll just have to friggin eat. Tired of it. It's also given me the strength-real strength, not momentary resolve, to absolutely disallow this for next year's Thanksgiving. It will not happen because I will respect my own dignity, finally,and do some body curls of my own. This PTSD shame thing- perhaps everyone is somewhat different but have to think it's the most malevelent little toad in the entire mix here. Please do not anyone feel they must reply- like I said- it still feels stupid-this person who really should be just FINE, is not, and how ridiculous THAT must be.

Must post, however, before I delete, or will lose all chance of not spinning this stupid loop anymore.

 

[intothelight]

I am reading this post and it is hard because the "shame" is there. Each time I see the residuals of the physical damage, the shame pops up fresh. Followed by the "shame" is the "guilt", which feeds the "self-anger", and left unchecked, leads to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. So here goes a "naked" moment.

I feel "shame" because a well-educated, white, professional female is not suppose to be a victim. A part of me "knew" what was happening was wrong, would get worse, was not only damaging to me, but also to the children. I feel "shame" because I "knew" and should have acted before it spiraled so out of control, that I couldn't act. In some ways, I feel that I was "stupid" enough to stay, so I got what I deserved. So when I take some of my teeth out every night, the same question goes through my mind "How could you be so dumb that you actually let someone knock you teeth out and continue on like it was OK?" The list of horror could go on, but it is not the "acts" that I struggle with, it is my own "shame" and "guilt".

Yes, therapy does help to address those situations. I understand the dynamics that prolonged childhood abuse had on my thinking patterns, how continued abuse becomes your "normal", etc. But in all honesty (naked here) I KNEW it was not normal, not acceptable, extremely dangerous, and who was I to think I could CHANGE things. So therefore, the shame of knowing and not acting, and the guilt of the damage and hurt my failure to act caused everyone else.

Sometimes what I get in therapy feels like an "excuse". I don't want excuses, I just want to figure out how to come to terms with the "shame", "guilt" and "anger". The truth is I "knew" and that is the most horrible trauma to face.

 

[Tinyflame]

I too feel it's hardly deserving of compassion or help per se or understanding because it feels like if I knew/ know it is my fault.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Please...Give yourself permission to NOT "should" on yourself. :>

I get so much from your posts.

 

[Elphaba]

I am reading this post and it is hard because the "shame" is there. Each time I see the residuals of the physical damage, the shame pops up fresh. Followed by the "shame" is the "guilt", which feeds the "self-anger", and left unchecked, leads to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. So here goes a "naked" moment.

I feel "shame" because a well-educated, white, professional female is not suppose to be a victim. A part of me "knew" what was happening was wrong, would get worse, was not only damaging to me, but also to the children. I feel "shame" because I "knew" and should have acted before it spiraled so out of control, that I couldn't act. In some ways, I feel that I was "stupid" enough to stay, so I got what I deserved. So when I take some of my teeth out every night, the same question goes through my mind "How could you be so dumb that you actually let someone knock you teeth out and continue on like it was OK?" The list of horror could go on, but it is not the "acts" that I struggle with, it is my own "shame" and "guilt".

Yes, therapy does help to address those situations. I understand the dynamics that prolonged childhood abuse had on my thinking patterns, how continued abuse becomes your "normal", etc. But in all honesty (naked here) I KNEW it was not normal, not acceptable, extremely dangerous, and who was I to think I could CHANGE things. So therefore, the shame of knowing and not acting, and the guilt of the damage and hurt my failure to act caused everyone else.

Sometimes what I get in therapy feels like an "excuse". I don't want excuses, I just want to figure out how to come to terms with the "shame", "guilt" and "anger". The truth is I "knew" and that is the most horrible trauma to face.

IntoTheLight, I just wanted to say that I really relate to what you say here. I feel the feeling of shame you are expressing could just as well be mine.

 

[Iam]

I feel the shame and guilt for what I "did" and "didn't" do too ITL. For perpetuating the abuse. Far more so than for what was done "to" me. I think that what we need to accept and come to terms with is that we did the best we could with the skills we had at the time. There is no "what we should have done" about it. We couldn't because we didn't have the skills.

What we can do now is to stop the self abuse (and in my case my emotional abuse of my husband & his of mine) and start living the whole and blessed life that God meant for us.

 

[intothelight]

Thank you for the feedback. It is really hard for me to put into words what I feel, as I think there is something so fundamentally "wrong" with me. But what I wrote was honest, and Iam you are so right, that it is time to stop the self abuse. That is the goal, and the more we can identify the "core" problems, then I think we can really begin to heal.

Anni's post triggered a lot of those thoughts and it just was the gate that opened the realization. Knowing something at an intellectual level is one thing, but actually believing it and owning it is another. I am kind of at the realization stage, but that is the first step in a series.

Kind of have diarrhea of the mind and fingers today. A lot of thoughts and a lot of typing. Getting a lot of the "s**t" out.

Debbie

 

[anni]

You saved me a whole lot of writing, Debbie. Again. Let me know when it's my turn to save you some typing and I'll be happy to fill in for a bit. :)

Hugs my dear.

 

[Iam]

it still feels stupid-this person who really should be just FINE, is not, and how ridiculous THAT must be.

Anni, I did not see your earlier post this morning as it was on a previous page. Though you said nobody need reply I am going to anyway.
The above quote that you made sounds to eerily familiar to me. My life currently is wonderful and yet here I am in the worst throws of PTSD. I feel so guilty and ashamed of it because it seems there is no reason for me to be struggling so. Yet I think it is precisely because our lives are so good that we are struggling so deeply with such extreme symptoms. Why would I say this?

For me (and maybe you?)
I don't feel I deserve to have a good life
I don't feel I deserve to be happy
Things are safe for me to now work on myself i.e.
Finances are good enough for the first time to allow me to stay home a deal with my personal issues
The kids are gone so I don't have to be "strong" for them and I have the time to focus on myself
I have a supportive husband who is willing to stand by me as I wade thru this muck
As I deal with the core issues I am going to be more symptomatic

Maybe we need to stop beating ourselves up for struggling and accept that it is part and parcel of doing the work of healing our past. Remembering that while we have to walk thru this valley, it is temporary (not the PTSD itself) and we will not always be this symptomatic because we are now learning the skills necessary to manage those same symptoms.

There is hope and you are showing such strength and bravery to be working honestly on yourself Anni. The shame is to be placed on our abusers not place on ourselves for dealing with the mayhem they caused in us.

 

[anni]

Exactly. And deserving I even should be working on myself. It's only recently I didn't avoid answers to posts, like this, sinc there's a core in there which feels it simply is not deserved. That's not a boohoo statement, it's just what is, but you know what I mean.

I'm awfully distracted and can't form thoughts well so don't feel I'm saying an adequate Thank You, Iams- but Thank You.

 

[anon88]

Where do you find therapists for this kind of thing? When I last enquired, here in the UK, they were charging fifty pounds a session and wanted me to go two sessions a week. I don't have that kind of money. I once went along to a state NHS psychiatrist, but I really don't think they want to hear this kind of stuff. At best they simplify, trivialise, give sensible advice, and you cling to this because the auro of these mental hospitals is so oppressive.

There is stuff from my infancy I need to face, partly conscious but the other nine tenths like the iceberg submerged. I can't feel anything and don't experience my own existence, I feel as though I am dead, and have felt this way intensely since I was eight years old. I get panic attacks, insomnia, don't feel real......usual stuff but you people have found away to get into it, for me the shame (a lot of it feels ickily sexual and that my soul has been murdered) and the amount of trust you would need to repeat it to anybody, even if I could get my memory to spill its load, or find anybody that wouldn't be totally repulsed by it.

 

[Elphaba]

Hi anon85, maybe your GP can refer you to one? I can't remember how the NHS system works (and I never had mental health care while there) but I believe your GP can be a starting point in referring you.

That said: this is what I did where I live. I got my referral, but find it a difficult institution to manage. You can't call or e-mail your therapist, timing of sessions are limited to bang-in-the-middle-of-a-day which makes it hard to be discreet at work - but this may well be different in the UK. At least I hope it is!