Relationship My wife hits me

[WORD_SOUND_POWER]

Your wife's healing is her responsibility.


Perhaps anger management? Inpatient?

How old is your daughter if you don't mind me asking? I can probably help you address this with her.

our daughter is 11. right now she's sequestered at her grandparent's apt. her mother is there. i don't have any reason to believe that her mom isn't still triggered & spinning w/fear & rage. i'm VERY open to suggestions!

also: my wife and i have a meeting scheduled for 2 days from now with a mediator who is also psychiatrist.

 

[Dynamic]

I love the fact that you have the meeting coming up.

If your wife is triggered it's better that your daughter be with you in my opinion. Hopefully your wife can start the process now of showing your daughter what to do when this mentally ill. For lack of softer terms I apologize. I know you love your family.

She's 11 okay, ask to take her out to eat at a diner and let her pick whatever she wants (probably comfort foods) make sure she gets her nutrient requirements and then, talk about it with her straight with the covering and protection you use about anything ugly in the world. And don't baby talk her. All I know how is to talk straight when things are this serious so I'm sorry if it's too stern. Let us know what happens please. If youre comfortable and if it's good for you of course.

 

[hithere]

My wife was physically/emotionally/mentally abused as a kid. When she's triggered & out of control, she lashes out. Some of the people I've talked to have dismissed what I said like: "Ohh you're a big guy - you can take it". I AM a big guy & I CAN withstand it - but taking blows from someone is undignified and horrible for the relationship/the family/our daughter. I'm at a loss. Help me understand.

PLEASE, PLEASE for the sake of your children (and yourself, of course!) do not "take it." That is complete BS and is absolutely damaging to you, your children, AND to your wife! My mother was like this and this is where my PTSD comes from and starts. It is traumatizing to you. You need to seek professional help. You need to set boundaries with her. When she is in a "repentant" mind and a calm mind (because I'm going to guess she feels bad afterward & wants to be forgiven) --when she is calm you need to calmly tell her that 1) You love her, 2) you love your children, 3) this behavior is harmful and UNACCEPTABLE, and you will take actions if she does it again. Tell her that you accept Her, that you understand she has a condition that she can't control, but if it happens again YOU WILL LEAVE WITH THE CHILDREN, or call the police to get her violence documented. Make no mistake this is Domestic Violence, and you do not deserve it. No one does. If she is out of control, she needs help. There are medications to help her, and therapy to help her to learn how to handle these triggers.

I speak from the child's perspective, and the wife/mother perspective. There is a belief that one can't control themselves when triggered. That is not true, from my personal experience. I had to work hard, very hard, take lots of classes, practice, practice practice -- deal with my past & emotional flashbacks. There is hope. And you can even have a "good enough" family--in time, with work, and may add faith. Because I don't think I could deal with any of this if it weren't for faith.

One thing that helped me when I was in my 20's and I lashed out at my husband when triggered, he said, "Look, no one deserves this. What you just did is wrong" I don't know why, that did something to my brain. There are lots of books out there on how to "help" your wife when in a triggered state, and techniques to use with someone in borderline rage - but the first step is NAME the truth. You don't deserve to be humiliated in front of your children, your children don't deserve it either. Please resist any temptations to retaliate. Remain calm, compassionate, but absolutely firm that this is unacceptable. Be willing to divorce and go the distance for yourself and your kids. I wish my dad had called the police. How I wished he would leave her and take me with him. This has not been an easy journey, but I am well on my way. My heart goes out to you.
EDIT: I just read the thread and see some more your story. Again, my heart goes out to your family. I remember I was certain I had ADHD, but the truth was living in that toxic environment, not knowing when a life threatening event would happen from the ones I loved and were dependant upon, made it impossible to concentrate on things I didn't want to concentrate on. I'm sure your daughter has a hard time focusing in school, when her parents are behaving this way. It's all very confusing. I still stand by having firm boundaries, not "taking it", but also learning how to turn your own switch off. I understand you feel provoked. Keep doing what you are doing, don't give up.EDIT TWO: another thing that stands out that helped me: being told the truth is is that I do not have to "take an offense" That the reality is I choose to "take a offense" I chose to be "offended" I choose to let my pride and ego take offense. I do not have to AT ALL. If some is offended it is because they chose to be.

 

[arfie]

Hitting is a symptom of something far worse that we're just now able to wrap our heads around.

amen to that. so far the hitting has been far from the most damaging part. the emotional violence attached is the bigger problem in my guesstimation. in my own case, it takes quite allot of emotional violence before i escalate to physical violence. if i didn't love and trust hubby so much, i would have, long ago, given in to the international flight instincts which saved me from the kiddie whorehouses of my ptsd. well. . . i confess that i HAVE given into those flight instincts more than once in our 42 year dance, but i keep coming back to work things out. family is bigger than a shared address. . .

domestic violence is not a big part of my own ptsd, but i thoroughly agree with your shrink's assessment. my mental illness is not the only root of emotional violence in my own marriage, but it has escalated from scenarios such as your shrink described more than once. way more. when i am in the grips of a ptsd flashback, it is no one from the here and now that i be arguing with and i can no more sort fact from fiction than i can count the drops in a fog bank.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My vet is a full foot taller than me. He’s never laid a finger on me in anger, but he has towered over me to intimidate in the past while lashing out.

Put your hand up, say something like “This is not OK. I’m not participating in this. I’m leaving until you can speak to me like an adult/keep your hands to yourself.” Then leave the situation. Don’t argue. Don’t explain. Don’t get sucked in. Don’t defend yourself, just make tracks. That’s you, setting a boundary. Do it every time or it’s useless. Take the kid too.

This 100%!

As a sufferer that used to have blind rage explosions, I understand how bad that can get. No excuses. That was my issue and my job to figure out how to stop that. Full stop. And while trying to make it stop, what made it worse is those people arguing back while I was trying to escape the situation and go to another room to defuse the bomb in me. So, look at it like you are defusing that bomb while at the same time keeping yourself and mainly, your child, safe.

Hitting is NEVER ok, under any circumstances for any reason (unless I suppose it's self defense). This is full stop not ok. And I would have a serious conversation about boundaries here for real. This can get worse and a big guy or not, domestic violence does happen to men and you do not have to take it. Period!

 

[Dynamic]

How are things @WORD_SOUND_POWER ? If you want to share.

 

[WORD_SOUND_POWER]

I love the fact that you have the meeting coming up.

update! we had a convo with a mediator who is also a psychiatrist yesterday. it went great! i'll skip all her stuff cuz i've been bitching above for so long, yaw prolly already got her figured out - being OGs in this area.

where i thought we were going to talk about the events that happened last week - this guy went directly for whatever ancient history was an underlying cause for all this crazy. we laid ours all out - i commend both of us for being honest forthright and unguarded. & as i he reviewed mine with me, i became present to the depths that i will sink to to disassociate when things go left. namely - i (subconsciously?) create situations within tense conversations to/that trigger my partner so i can GTFO. & i'm like "GOT DAMN!".

so as we uncovered, SHE'S responsible for what's she's responsible for (i already said it here). AND although i could own/be responsible for my actions, i couldn't understand or own my motivation because i didn't know why this kept happening (i created it - duh!). with this new framing, its easy: she's triggered by yelling/profanity/potential for violence & i have the perfect technique to create situations for her to be triggered by, & can use that to (eventually and messily) slip out of whatever situation i don't want that's happening in front of me.

so this guy is THE SHIT for getting at that in like an hour and a half (WTF?!). with that framing to be able to speak into, my wife and i had another convo that lasted another hour or so. & like 8 hours later, i picked her up & brought her home (yay!). we decided to leave baby girl at grandma's/grandpa's for another week while we continue to iron out these kinks.

so going forward, we get to discover how to catch ourselves before/during being triggered & learn techniques to lessen that response while its coming up. obviously knowing about something doesn't do shit. we get to be able to recognize triggers in ourselves (and the other) & take action on them.

i'll take any advice on that, plz!

and thank you, thank you, thank you for all you help/care/advice/straight talk!
ALL of your input has been crucial in my attempt to understand this situation.

 

[WORD_SOUND_POWER]

How are things @WORD_SOUND_POWER ? If you want to share.

i was literally typing a response when you reached out :)

 

[Dynamic]

@WORD_SOUND_POWER hi :) glad you came back to tell us.
And bravo to the psychologist mediator!

Happy you have found solid ground. :) I'm short on words today. Take care :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So glad you guys got therapy together! That's best case scenario for sure and I really hope you both get the best out of that!


If you don't mind, can you expand on these?

(subconsciously?) create situations within tense conversations to/that trigger my partner so i can GTFO. & i'm like "GOT DAMN!".

she's triggered by yelling/profanity/potential for violence & i have the perfect technique to create situations for her to be triggered by, & can use that to (eventually and messily) slip out of whatever situation i don't want that's happening in front of me.

I could be misreading this. And probably am. I guess I'm reading it as if you are taking responsibility for triggering her? But, again, could be misreading it so thought I'd ask for clarification. Either way, so very glad you both are getting help! Both for you two but also for your child! It's so good to hear!

 

[WORD_SOUND_POWER]

yes i got insight on how I MYSELF create (or at the very least escalate) the situation unintentionally via my "avoidant" response. the way i found to "get it/her to stop" is to escalate.

yes absolutely - taking responsibility. i simply couldn't see how deeply my responsibility lies at the bottom of this problem - at the beginning of the texts 3 weeks ago.

 

[Dynamic]

yes i got insight on how I MYSELF create (or at the very least escalate) the situation unintentionally via my "avoidant" response. the way i found to "get it/her to stop" is to escalate.

yes absolutely - taking responsibility. i simply couldn't see how deeply my responsibility lies at the bottom of this problem - at the beginning of the texts 3 weeks ago.

Really great effort. Happy for you both!