Hi
@LeiaFlower , what a pretty name! It sounds delicate and soft.
I hope I can just say a bit of a different perspective to consider, but it comes from relating intimately in many ways to how you are feeling (I've thought the exact same words myself) so that's why I'll take a chance and say it. If it isn't helpful of course disregard.
Here we have medically assisted death, soon likely for mental illness also under certain criteria. So also many people with various mental illnesses (especially depression) agree enough to advocate for their inclusion. But of course a symptom of depression itself is hopelessness. And a symptom of ptsd is not being able to envision a future, or rather to envision a fore-shortened one (which changes perspective, and desires and choices, greatly). As well as avoidance, and by consequence often isolation.
There are a few things, some from my own experience, that have made me pause, even though often I feel like there is a mountain in front of me I can no longer climb or face, and no do-over for my life. But here's some of what I've come to learn:
-We actually don't know how it will be when we die. No one does. There may be nothing- or there may be something. We simply do not know.
-When it comes to people who have chosen medically assisted death in I believe Oregon, they give people the drugs to take home and self-administer. For whatever reasons, the majority (I can't quote it but I think it was around 70%) actually opted not to.
- (This is kind of gruesome, but helped me), when they have found people who have died by suicide drowning, their arms are pressed down, (so the coroners said) as they presumably changed their mind at some point and it comes naturally to assume that posture to try to push out of the water. (I know you are not speaking of suicide).
- Fwiw, a DNAR Order is to not attempt resuscitation. The thing people don't really logically think though, is you're dead. That is, barring an accident, if it follows an illness there is, in effect, no state to resuscitate to. But to reach the point of that stage is often far more prolonged than most people think.
-My own experiences with depression, actually make me wonder where it overlaps with anxiety? And as David Burns says, these are the nicest, sweetest people. They don't want to hurt others or their feelings. They often have their own needs take a backseat. But if you fear the loss of support, and then feel hopeless and depressed for example, is it anxiety or depression?
- I came to see much of what 'appeared' one way, was not at all. For people's lives; what they thought their desires would bring; the reality behind most professions. Very few things or relationships do I regret not pursuing. Definitely applies to say, don't judge other people's outsides by your insides. (The more in fact I've come to learn, it is shocking. Many many people are living lives of quiet desperation, or conversely raging bitterness, resentment and regret. Many will, right now, be envying the'lack of stress' and 'freedom', you have, in their mind- trust me on that one.)
Why have I said these, well only because they gave 'me' pause. But feeling this way is of course as I know you know a product of stress overwhelming coping mechanisms. I'm not sure if you are feeling your friend will now abandon you- pregnant and somewhat hurried decision to marry now may mean she needs your presence and support more than ever. You mentioned re-enactments in your FOO/ with your siblings, perhaps a bit of space will allow you to explore for the first time perhaps in your life what you actually might enjoy? (This is not the same as when you were alone before, you are not the same age or person). Sometimes our fear of what is coming is very different from what actually occurs. (False.Evidence.Appearing.Real.) I understand how you don't want a contrived life based on what others do or are expected to- that is actually knowing yourself better. However, it does not mean you won't change your mind (a woman's prerogative
) as you change which is inevitable regardless of who's around., or how many marriages/ divorces unfortunately they often go through, illnesses etc.
The thing is, no one can be you. No one can replace you either.
I know it seems the only way sometimes is to give up. But (I) wrestle with what Dostoevsky said, "The
mystery of human existence lays not just in staying alive, but in finding something to live for". I think about that a lot. I used to think the 'finding' was a passive thing, but now I realize part is probably not.
I hope you will find a passion you didn't think was possible. And I hope you will be as kind to yourself as you sound like you are to others, especially when you are feeling alone and that this is not worth getting through. Tell those who do love or care for you what you are feeling. You may be very surprised at what they will say. (Yes it will take courage but no, you won't be bringing them down. You will be revealing yourself, and maybe it's high time you did so for you).
Hugs to you.
