Relationship How Do You Stay When You Feel So Tired And Alone?

[anni]

HI again-

Yes YAY in not being pregnant for you, yes, babies are happy things, but the timing is of course not great for you! If you were to plan one, it would not be now, at all events.

Whew- so much for you. It's an awful, awful lot to process. It's really a great thing you're not actually afraid of him, since it kind makes it helpful to be able to think correctly, if that makes any sense. I do hope you're able to have at least a peaceful holiday with the children, and he's able to remain un-triggered/stressed/whatever in order for them to have one. He knows the cards are on the table now, your lines are drawn and that's IT. It doesn't always mean a lot to an abuser, but it sure does to you, I know.

It's terrible, I guess, to say 'stay strong', when you've had to, too much to be fair, but still- stay that way. You and the children deserve peace. Yes, he deserves healing also but it's got to be about you for awhile, you know?

Much peace,

Anni

 

[hopelives]

Well On Thursday we went to my parents which is a 2.5 hr drive and had a big family Christmas. He went really well on the drive and we laughed and chated. He also was very engaged with children and my family which is awesome. He didn't feel the need for any time out nothing till about half way through the visit. But which time presents were exchanged and also lunch had been had. He laughed and shocked everyone.

By the time it came to go home I had left the lights on and the battery was flat. Now usually this would make my husband angry and upset. But he managed to keep his cool and even comfort me about it. By the time we got home we were extremely tired. Kids put the bed and I went straight to sleep.He even managed to go to bed at about 11.30 which is early for him.

The next day he woke up happy and we had an awesome day. He was excited about the kids and christmas. Still didn't spend much time with us but he was happy.

Today being Christmas he got up early to open gifts with kids and was happy. Although after an hour he was emotioinally exhausted and was really a mess. He is not coping very well today and I am not having any expectation of him. We are about to have lunch soon and I think after lunch he will just continue to lock himself away.

I am use to it now and after 8yrs I am finally cool with him not spending it with us.

Im tired but I am happy and I feel Christmas joy.

His therapist has given him new things to do and he is somewhat overwhelmed by it but is putting off doing it till after Christmas.

 

[hopelives]

Forgive me carers for I have failed.

Just went to go and get my husband for lunch gave him 30 minute warning to please come up. Went down 5 minutes before serving and said can you please come up I am serving. Than after another 5 minutes get greeted with you can't control me no matter howmuch you try you should be happy I am comming up at all. Well Im sorry but I am not controlling you. I let you do what ever you wanted.

Well I said after lunch could you please stay and give me some time and spend some time with us. I get greeted again with dont you understand that I dont even want to be here Maybe if you dont push me I might spend some time with you tonight.

This always happens after we are close and loving the day before he tends to be an arse the next day.

WANTED TO SAY THIS BUT DIDN"T:
Gosh Im so sorry for wanting time with you. I know what about this for next year. Try this on for size. You will be living in a one bedder flat and me and kids wont be there with you. Spend Christmas on your own.

Im a tad cranky but I am keeping it to myself. The selfishness of my sufferer is beyond the pail. I honestly feel so hurt.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Forgive me carers for I have failed.

This doesn't seem seem at all like a 'failure' on your part at all. Trying to build a bridge across a chasm from just one side would be a failure.

Relationships are like bridges...they need to be build upon a firm base from both ends and meet in the middle. When another person isn't willing or able to do that, sometimes the healthiest thing to do is cut your losses and walk away.

...and open the door to something better. The only thing worse than no relationship is a 'better than nothing' relationship.

YOU DESERVE FAR BETTER. Let your hurt feelings lead you in the direction that strong self knows will honor your soul best. ...whatever that may be. Going, staying, or whatever. You have choices. :> I have no doubt you will find your way.

 

[hopelives]

Well after calmingly going and explaining my feelings to him. Without raising my voice or attacking. I got my point accross an hour later he came and spent about 30 minutes watching a movie and talking with us. He was obviously trying for my sake and that does mean a lot as I know it is hard for him.

He wants to be everything i want and need and that means a lot.

 

[hopelives]

This doesn't seem seem at all like a 'failure' on your part at all. Trying to build a bridge across a chasm from just one side would be a failure.

Relationships are like bridges...they need to be build upon a firm base from both ends and meet in the middle. When another person isn't willing or able to do that, sometimes the healthiest thing to do is cut your losses and walk away.

...and open the door to something better. The only thing worse than no relationship is a 'better than nothing' relationship.

YOU DESERVE FAR BETTER. Let your hurt feelings lead you in the direction that strong self knows will honor your soul best. ...whatever that may be. Going, staying, or whatever. You have choices. :> I have no doubt you will find your way.

I wont leave him. Although he is selfish he is working on it and he is believe it or not 100% better than he has ever been. lol OMG I can't believe he is actually better .lol Gosh he use to be beyond shocking.

A relationship is a one way street I believe when your sufferer is in the deepest of it. I do believe that he wants to be more but the stress element of the PTSD dictates. At the moment it is ruling his life not him it. He is in therapy to learn for him to rule it.

Although I am proud that we did end up meeting in the middle kind of. I am amazed he made a concerted effort to show me he was trying. That meant so much.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Glad to hear you're feeling better!

I hope you do also consider telling your T. about the physical violence. A T. can't help us learn to set boundaries on an issue unless we tell them about it. ;)

Easier said than done...I know I should be telling mine more of what's going on with me but...well, maybe next time.

Hope it keeps getting better for you and your family.

 

[hopelives]

My husband has been very open with the therapist and has told him about the voilence. Also I contacted the therapist myself to ensure he was fully aware with my husbands permission. But yes it is important that we be open with him.

We had a talk about things and I got a little upset and he got a bit defensive and we both talked and got some things ironed out and we hugged. It isn't perfect but it is a start.

 

[amethist]

You did not fail at all sickofit. You held it together for your kids sake, and for your own sanity.

They can push us beyond our limits, then we step up a gear to the next level, you did it today. He seems to be trying really hard just now, so a slight backwards step is to be expected. Though he should learn to treat you with a lot more respect when he is taking a backwards step.

If you need to vent about anything, you know you can do it here. You do have choices you can make, but they have to be your choices. Do what is best for you at what ever time that is.

Amethist

 

[intothelight]

This may be a strange thought, but......

My husband is my husband first, and my carer second. If my needs as a sufferer are going to be detrimental to my husband, then I go to a back up carer. (I have a close friend that also steps in as carer). Just found that expanding my support system was better for our marriage as it did not put so much pressure on him.

Just a thought.
Debbie

 

[hopelives]

This may be a strange thought, but......

My husband is my husband first, and my carer second. If my needs as a sufferer are going to be detrimental to my husband, then I go to a back up carer. (I have a close friend that also steps in as carer). Just found that expanding my support system was better for our marriage as it did not put so much pressure on him.

Just a thought.
Debbie

Unfortunatly my husband has serious trust issues. So this simply wouldn't work. BUT his therapist has become the person that is stepping in where I was. Which is good.

 

[BloomInWinter]

So this simply wouldn't work. .

Isolation is not only a primary symptom of PTSD, it is a major contributing factor. Every effort we can make, no matter how small, can have long range healing benefits.

Trying to expand his network may not work, but you have control over your own...and you can expand that if you believe it to be of value.

All the research I am reading (and I have been researching this issue into the ground for over 9 months and counting...) says there is NO recovery without COMMUNITY.

I am sending healing wishes for you - that you might someday be willing to consider the idea that this might possibly be of some benefit. ...and that YOU can make it possible for yourself.