EveHarrington
MyPTSD Pro
I have a more recent trauma (last summer) that I can’t talk about because I am so ashamed. Yes, it has made me consider suicide. (Thanks, IOS, I appreciate that you newest upgrade autocorrects the word “suicide” into “suffice”. I really don’t like this overreach of Apple where you can’t even put “myself” after “kill”. )
I told my ex (dumb move) because he used it as further proof that I’m trash, a whore, a slut, you name it. (He wasn’t my ex at the time.) A lawyer knows, but I decided to not press it further as things could really blow up in my face. The guy who did this to me still tries to contact me. Maybe it sounds dumb, but I have been dragging out changing my number as to not enrage him further. He knows he’s blocked on my phone and gets new Google numbers. I get a text about every 3 weeks. I have had no contact with him in months now, and I told him to not contact me ever again. I hate this dance of trying to not further enrage the person who is attempting to abuse you further.
The trauma I endured as a kid is 1000% not my fault and I can fully see that. This new trauma? If I hadn’t done “XYZ” then it wouldn’t have happened. I think you can see where the struggle lies. And the truth is that many people will think it’s my fault.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know what to do. I cry all the time. Sleep is difficult without multiple meds that make me feel like crap the next day anyway. I am struggling to function and part of my job is really falling behind, big time.
I am using affirmation type phrases to calm my mind, but I am looking for other things that might help. I am open to hearing anything, no matter how off the wall it may seem.
Thank you.
Edit. The “XYZ” thing that I did was part of acting out because of the past trauma, but outside of places like here, people won’t understand that.
I told my ex (dumb move) because he used it as further proof that I’m trash, a whore, a slut, you name it. (He wasn’t my ex at the time.) A lawyer knows, but I decided to not press it further as things could really blow up in my face. The guy who did this to me still tries to contact me. Maybe it sounds dumb, but I have been dragging out changing my number as to not enrage him further. He knows he’s blocked on my phone and gets new Google numbers. I get a text about every 3 weeks. I have had no contact with him in months now, and I told him to not contact me ever again. I hate this dance of trying to not further enrage the person who is attempting to abuse you further.
The trauma I endured as a kid is 1000% not my fault and I can fully see that. This new trauma? If I hadn’t done “XYZ” then it wouldn’t have happened. I think you can see where the struggle lies. And the truth is that many people will think it’s my fault.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know what to do. I cry all the time. Sleep is difficult without multiple meds that make me feel like crap the next day anyway. I am struggling to function and part of my job is really falling behind, big time.
I am using affirmation type phrases to calm my mind, but I am looking for other things that might help. I am open to hearing anything, no matter how off the wall it may seem.
Thank you.
Edit. The “XYZ” thing that I did was part of acting out because of the past trauma, but outside of places like here, people won’t understand that.