Session was very triggering today

[Erin1523]

I was crying to my therapist today how hard it is to feel so unloved and not have a mother figure. During the session she picked up the phone because her daughter needed something - not thrilled with that in general, but I don’t say anything… then before she hangs up, says “I love you too”. Obviously so triggering for me. Is this normal? Is it tone deaf of her? I feel too stupid to tell her it triggered me so much.

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, erin. i was the 5th of 11 children. i'm not quite sure my mother even noticed i was born. personally, i go to therapy to learn how to deal with such triggers. they're everywhere and i certainly don't want to eradicate mother/daughter love for the sake of avoiding my own grief of never knowing such love.

if you are taking votes, i vote that telling your therapist about this trigger is the smart thing to do. just voting. . .

steadying support while you decide what is best for you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I was crying to my therapist today how hard it is to feel so unloved and not have a mother figure. During the session she picked up the phone because her daughter needed something - not thrilled with that in general, but I don’t say anything… then before she hangs up, says “I love you too”. Obviously so triggering for me. Is this normal? Is it tone deaf of her? I feel too stupid to tell her it triggered me so much.

Did she forewarn you that there was some urgent thing with her daughter? Unless it was an emergency, it's totally unacceptable for her to interrupt your session. It's your time , you are paying for it.

So no, your feelings are valid whether or not the therapist was appropriate or not. Do raise it with her. It will help if you do, whatever her response.

 

[Sideways]

because her daughter needed something

I’m not sure what the alternatives are when you’re responsible for safety of a child? Usually, you have no idea whether this is an emergency until you answer the phone.

I’ve had Ts take phone calls during therapy. It’s disruptive. But even though I want to be the only person in their life during that 45 minutes, I’m not.

Healthy boundaries are realistic boundaries. If they’re not realistic, they’re definitely not healthy.

 

[whiteraven]

I’m not sure what the alternatives are when you’re responsible for safety of a child?

I get what you're saying here, but many work places don't allow personal phone calls, and if you have kids, you make a plan for them during your work hours or you don't work.

My therapist has occasionally interrupted us, but he always asks first. And if I find it annoying (very seldom), I tell him.

i vote that telling your therapist about this trigger is the smart thing to do.

I agree. Whether or not she "should" have done it, she did, and it was a problem for you. So it is a perfect time to bring it up. Because if that was triggering, I'm sure there are other situations that are, and you can explore *that*.

 

[Erin1523]

Honestly it did not seem like anything remotely urgent. So she probably shouldn’t have taken the call. But I can deal with that. The “I love you” triggered me so much, and I guess I wish she would have realized that on her own, instead of now having to go through the uncomfortable process of bringing it up.

 

[Friday]

The “I love you” triggered me so much, and I guess I wish she would have realized that on her own, instead of now having to go through the uncomfortable process of bringing it up.

It would honestly never occur to me that telling my child I love them would trigger another person.

I can definitely see how it might, as anything under the sun can be a trigger or stressor, but it doesn’t jump up and shout that it’s going to be hard for someone with an abuse background. Instead, in my own circle of acquaintances with craptastic childhoods/parents, random things about how my kid and I interact elicit various kinds of praise? I say random, because I NEVER know when one of them is going to make a big deal -or even briefly comment- on some aspect of what just happened.

One of the upsides of the “uncomfortable process”? (And I sooooo get that!) Is that -pretty much guaranteed- it will become so easy to bring things up, with practice, you won’t even have to think twice about it. But it takes practice.

 

[Movingforward10]

Honestly it did not seem like anything remotely urgent. So she probably shouldn’t have taken the call. But I can deal with that. The “I love you” triggered me so much, and I guess I wish she would have realized that on her own, instead of now having to go through the uncomfortable process of bringing it up.

She can’t mind read. So she won’t know that is a trigger unless you say. Maybe she thought she was modelling good parenting and you would get comfort from that?

I’m still hung up on her taking a call in your session. That’s what I’m hanging on to.

but going back to the trigger of expression of love. I do get it. I got upset in a session as I heard a child cry and thought it was hers, and it threw me. But talking about It helped (turned out it wasn’t her child). Helped me express my feeelings, and helped what was going on in the moment, as I had retreated which meant therapy wasn’t going to be effective. so exploring this with her, even though you have desire that she would know this would upset you, will help.

 

[No More]

I don’t think taking a call in your session was acceptable. If we reduce it simply to business you are paying for her time & attention and didn’t fully get it.
I absolutely understand dump and run emergencies. If there’s an emergency I haul my ass and go. So if that’s the case, she should have put her hands up, wrapped it up and gone. In my world you don’t discuss an emergency, because if you can be doing that - it ain’t one.

There’s settings on phones so that they don’t ring unless someone calls twice etc. I would say that is definitely something you should bring up as a line in the sand for you, and if she doesn’t agree, find a therapist that does?

 

[Erin1523]

You’re all so right, the call was really not important, which I know because I heard her side of the conversation. But me, being me, will not be able to bring any of this up

 

[Rose White]

I wish she would have realized that on her own, instead of now having to go through the uncomfortable process of bringing it up.

will not be able to bring any of this up

I get that it seems monumental or even impossible to bring up. Even if it is, holding that as a goal might be worth the effort. Wishing she could have realized what triggers you is a codependent mindset. You can grow and develop out of that, though it takes a lot of uncomfortable moments. The good thing about therapy is that it’s the perfect place to practice being uncomfortable as the T is trained in unconditional positive regard or nonjudgmental presence.

You can do it!

 

[caroline_13]

I was crying to my therapist today how hard it is to feel so unloved and not have a mother figure. During the session she picked up the phone because her daughter needed something - not thrilled with that in general, but I don’t say anything… then before she hangs up, says “I love you too”. Obviously so triggering for me. Is this normal? Is it tone deaf of her? I feel too stupid to tell her it triggered me so much.

I think it would bother me, too, to be interrupted. I'd raise it with her and see how she responds. Good for you for writing about it here :)