Childhood Child on child sexual abuse - is blame necessary?

[Rose White]

Possibly because part of this speaks about part of your story too?

Yes. And I knew that when I posted but struggled to put it in words. And that word “objectifying“— I’m learning about.

even if violence isn't used, it will be outside of a genuinely caring relationship where the abuser has the best interests of the other at heart

This is difficult for my smallest parts to understand. Working on teaching them.

 

[beaneeboo]

Yes. And I knew that when I posted but struggled to put it in words. And that word “objectifying“— I’m learning about.

It's an important one. I think it's a word which applies to all childhood sexual trauma victims. Regardless of how the trauma/ abuse happened.

This is difficult for my smallest parts to understand. Working on teaching them.

Of course it is. So very difficult. There's no reason why they should readily and easily understand this. I don't think my littlies do either. But my work atm is getting things right in my adult brain first and hoping that will help the rest of my system. It's a slow process. A hard process. And it needs acceptance.

I think you're doing brilliantly and you go at whatever pace you need to....


I heard on a YouTube broadcast about adult csa Survivors recently discussing their experiences. A university study was set up to explore the stories of sexual abuse. The main surprising finding they found was that the vast majority of cases had experienced their abuse outside of a violent or physically coercive dynamic. This was so helpful for me to hear for validation of my own story. The seriousness of csa or sa (and rightly so) is often married up with violence. 'Have you experienced sexual violence?' is what I read on websites again and again and again. And for me I've always thought 'No' so these help lines/sites don't apply to me. And I won't be alone in that. I think help sites could use terminology in addition to sexual violence, such as 'Have you been "sexually violated'? or 'experienced 'sexual trauma'?

It may seem a small detail but can far more helpful and validating than bunching sexual assault into the category of violence which is not everyone's experience of sexual trauma. Language is important.

Sorry went off on one

 

[Rose White]

Go off as much as you like! It’s helpful!

getting things right in my adult brain first and hoping that will help the rest of my system.

Definitely relate! Something I just very recently realized was that I had to figure out what/who was “bad/wrong” from my present-day current adult brain first and then, like Hoyt, hope it affected my younger parts. But! I discovered just a few weeks ago that my very smallest parts were not on board when th the rest of us— their perception was off and resisting what other parts knew to be true about what/who was bad/wrong. So I had to grieve that with them and begin teaching them. But first I had to test that they really were resisting what other parts knew to be true—and they were. It was a difficult time.

often married up with violence. 'Have you experienced sexual violence?

Been thinking of that word violence and I think maybe sometimes we might forget about forms of violence other than outright explicitly aggressive gory violence. There’s passive aggressive violence too. And probably others that I can’t think of right now.

 

[beaneeboo]

Go off as much as you like! It’s helpful!

Definitely relate! Something I just very recently realized was that I had to figure out what/who was “bad/wrong” from my present-day current adult brain first and then, like Hoyt, hope it affected my younger parts. But! I discovered just a few weeks ago that my very smallest parts were not on board when th the rest of us— their perception was off and resisting what other parts knew to be true about what/who was bad/wrong. So I had to grieve that with them and begin teaching them. But first I had to test that they really were resisting what other parts knew to be true—and they were. It was a difficult time.

For me the way in has been about understanding the concept of consent. The one thing which has taken months but is beginning to shift for me is understanding 9/10/11 year old can't consent (adult brain)... I'm actually able to explain that to my 9 year old self ... she doesn't want to listen or hear it outright. But she is allowing it to be there in the background for the first time. I think if someone had explained this to me at the time when I was so young, I would have got it with enough repetition and perseverance...

Been thinking of that word violence and I think maybe sometimes we might forget about forms of violence other than outright explicitly aggressive gory violence. There’s passive aggressive violence too. And probably others that I can’t think of right now.

That's why I think violated is a better word.

 

[Rose White]

understanding 9/10/11 year old can't consent (adult brain)... I'm actually able to explain that to my 9 year old self

Consent is still a hard word for my youngest parts to understand. I don’t know if you are familiar with my story but most of my sexual assaults happened before the age of 3 by my dad so lots of preverbal processing—we love art!! And so “explaining” (as you would to a talking person) didn’t work very well with those parts but my T helped me distill it down to just words like “bad” and “danger”, which an adult *would* use with a preverbal child baby, and that has helped a lot!

That's why I think violated is a better word.

I think you’re right. I’m going to let that word roll around in my head. I like how they seem to have the same root, I will research it.

 

[Weemie]

Consent is still a hard word for my youngest parts to understand.

Maybe try starting at "want/don't want" or even "like/dislike"! Favorite colors, foods, clothes, activities... children absolutely do understand consent if it is taught to them, as early as 2 and 3, they will refuse to do things. I frame it as do I want this? Why and why not? And go down the decision tree.

 

[Rose White]

@Weemie that makes sense but even those concepts are more advanced than my youngest parts who got the worst of it. I know that babies develop wants and desires before they can say no but it’s a different kind of experience and sort of “back laid” onto the memories.

This is a digression but memory and time is such a huge part of my recovery of my self and one of the things I learned is that memories are a combination of the event occurrences combined with the current understanding of the self, and they are sort of woven together. So whatever memories of childhood are sort of experienced like… hmmm… how can I say… like a puppet? Or a costume? Being worn by the present day person? And then with regressions and flashbacks it’s like the opposite of that, where the young part is wearing the “costume” of the present day self. Memory is different from flashback, but they can bleed into each other.

That said, reflecting on what you said, I wonder… if I can employ my kid parts who *do* understand the kinds of things you’re talking about, to teach the baby parts. That would take a lot of art type stuff for me but I’m willing to try it.

 

[Weemie]

if I can employ my kid parts who *do* understand the kinds of things you’re talking about, to teach the baby parts. That would take a lot of art type stuff for me but I’m willing to try it.

That sounds like a solid logistical fix! Problem solver

 

[Rose White]

@Weemie I like coming up with solid logistical fixes! Actually doing them? *whistles and walks away to the next distraction*

 

[No More]

That's why I think violated is a better word

Yah I like this alot.
I can get on board with this and see it.

Violence I can’t wrap my head around. I know my definition of violence tends to be a bit different to the general public, but if you asked me if it was violent, I’d say no, because my mind jumps to extremes immediately.
Violated, yup.

 

[Movingforward10]

For me the way in has been about understanding the concept of consent. The one thing which has taken months but is beginning to shift for me is understanding 9/10/11 year old can't consent (adult brain)... I'm actually able to explain that to my 9 year old self ... she doesn't want to listen or hear it outright. But she is allowing it to be there in the background for the first time. I think if someone had explained this to me at the time when I was so young, I would have got it with enough repetition and perseverance...

I'm really pleased this realisation and process is happening for you.

 

[beaneeboo]

Yes

Consent is still a hard word for my youngest parts to understand. I don’t know if you are familiar with my story but most of my sexual assaults happened before the age of 3 by my dad so lots of preverbal processing—we love art!! And so “explaining” (as you would to a talking person) didn’t work very well with those parts but my T helped me distill it down to just words like “bad” and “danger”, which an adult *would* use with a preverbal child baby, and that has helped a lot!

I think you’re right. I’m going to let that word roll around in my head. I like how they seem to have the same root, I will research it.

I think it's very different working with preverbal littlies...I don't have many words of wisdom myself...I can relate to what you say with the sketchy memories I have around 3 .. and before..
It's a different journey and very difficult to know how to approach working with littlies that young.

What you may find helpful is using kids books from today... maybe research picture books for kids on good touch bad touch, that kind of thing... but even that is too cerebral...I think may be concentrate on feelings of safety for your littlies.. them knowing what safe feels like... in whatever way you need to do that... because then there's a comparison of safety and not being safe... that's a start...

The other thing is researching someone who works with present day traumatised kids who are pre verbal.. contact them and ask them how they approach therapy... one of my past therapists asked a child protection officer to talk with me about what i disclosed (about my dad not the boy)... it helped a little to hear what he said would be today in my scenario and how it would be considered and handled...

With my other traumas I'm very much in a similar boat to you... I know it's difficult