Why don’t I want to feel better?

[Hawlings]

Been suicidal and depressed my whole life due to CPTSD from childhood.
At 27 I decided to end my life with a overdose, but was unfortunately found and resurrected.
I’m now 34 years old and depression feels like my identity now, although I never share any of my true feelings with anyone else.
I just feel inside me that I’m supposed to be this way.
I punish myself in a lot of ways, and I don’t want to get better.
Does anyone else feels this way?
I’m finding my self just looking for more fuel for my depression and self hatred.
Is it possible to break this habit, or do I have to keep waiting until I’m “ready”?
It never seems to happen.

 

[Rose White]

Is it possible to break this habit,

I think so, but you will hear varying opinions on this. I had habits of self harm and suicidal ideation. I was able to break them I suppose but I say the symptoms are in remission because I have to keep using my coping skills to stay out of that grinder zone. Lately I’ve been stressed and my mind is offering up self-critical thoughts to save me, which if I followed those would probably lead me back to SH and SI.

 

[Sideways]

Is it possible to break this habit, or do I have to keep waiting until I’m “ready”?

Yes. It’s not easy, especially since depression sucks all the motivation out of you.

A long long time I was living by the mantra “Act in spite of how you feel”. With depression, low energy, and anhedonia team up so that things that work really well for a tonne of folks, just don’t cut it.

You won’t feel better for changing your habits. You won’t feel better for telling yourself “I deserve to be here, and feel good about myself” (even though that’s the truth).
You won’t feel better for practicing being kind to yourself for change, or doing things that have meaning and value to you.

At least, not straight away.

It’s the doing these things despite not feeling better right now that will, over time, make everything easier. Existing day to day will get easier. And with a bit more time, existing day to day will get worthwhile.

Invest in the things where there’s rock solid evidence that they help with depression, knowing in advance that it won’t make a difference today. Good sleep, good diet, daily cardio, daily relaxation. Medication if your doctor recommends it. CBT if you can access it.

 

[Flying Dove]

I relate to your post. People have blamed me for my depression anxiety no effort to " get well" I have a type of cycle of self defeating behaviors and thoughts I try to catch early with my coping skill set. Many people who have blamed are either dead or no longer in my life. I am back in therapy 2 months now. I see it will need to continue for the rest of my life.

 

[SophieBernstein]

You have just described what I felt two years ago. First of all, you need to understand that you've been living with depression your whole life, shaping your personality around it. Maybe you think things like "I'm the depressed guy" because you can't distinguish between yourself and your depression—it has consumed you entirely. Changing may seem difficult, as it's easier to wait until you're completely worn out and then attempt to kill yourself again. It's complicated. You can't easily differentiate between yourself and your disease, which is a significant issue, but you are more than what you see now; you're shrouded in a dense mist that is literally killing you.
Furthermore, I sense fearfulness. I'm sure you've tried many times to get better, only to fall down each time. You've suffered, and despite your efforts, you've seen no difference. You're tired and just want to take a rest—I understand. But keep trying; I know you will find the light. You might experience suicidal thoughts and the urge to self-harmin the future but it won't always be like this. Trust me, you deserve to live a good life. Work on finding yourself. It will be worth it. Sending you lots of hugs from Spain. I truly wish I could talk to you directly; I can feel the same as you. Wish you the best.

 

[Friday]

How are you at WANTING other things?

When I’m doing badly I don’t even want breakfast, much less anything more profound.

 

[Hawlings]

You have just described what I felt two years ago. First of all, you need to understand that you've been living with depression your whole life, shaping your personality around it. Maybe you think things like "I'm the depressed guy" because you can't distinguish between yourself and your depression—it has consumed you entirely. Changing may seem difficult, as it's easier to wait until you're completely worn out and then attempt to kill yourself again. It's complicated. You can't easily differentiate between yourself and your disease, which is a significant issue, but you are more than what you see now; you're shrouded in a dense mist that is literally killing you.
Furthermore, I sense fearfulness. I'm sure you've tried many times to get better, only to fall down each time. You've suffered, and despite your efforts, you've seen no difference. You're tired and just want to take a rest—I understand. But keep trying; I know you will find the light. You might experience suicidal thoughts and the urge to self-harmin the future but it won't always be like this. Trust me, you deserve to live a good life. Work on finding yourself. It will be worth it. Sending you lots of hugs from Spain. I truly wish I could talk to you directly; I can feel the same as you. Wish you the best.

You kind of hitting the nail on the head.
I feel like a literally can’t tell who the true me is, it’s all poised with my disease.
And it’s Scary to think what I would be like without it, and that’s partly why I don’t want to get better.
I feel like I’m a wasted soul, that’s beyond salvageable.
Maby what you say is true, and that I might some day be able to see some sort of lightning.
Thank you for your concern and kind response.
Whisking you the best back with your own battles.
If you wish to talk about it, send me a message.
The best, Gordon

 

[SophieBernstein]

You kind of hitting the nail on the head.
I feel like a literally can’t tell who the true me is, it’s all poised with my disease.
And it’s Scary to think what I would be like without it, and that’s partly why I don’t want to get better.
I feel like I’m a wasted soul, that’s beyond salvageable.
Maby what you say is true, and that I might some day be able to see some sort of lightning.
Thank you for your concern and kind response.
Whisking you the best back with your own battles.
If you wish to talk about it, send me a message.
The best, Gordon

It's okay, whatever you need, you can talk to me or anyone here without pretending to be someone different. I don't think anyone will reject or blame you here; it's a safe place to talk about everything you can't in your daily life. Moreover, in my opinion, you should consider therapy to address the depression, even though it might seem pointless. It is really important; you'll need someone to support you and help you change those irrational thoughts about yourself and the world. And the most, and scariest thing by far, you will need to lose yourself. You have to confront what you think about you, be completely lost without knowing anything about you and experience new things. It's important to have support because it's a long-term, exhausting, and scary process, but it's worth it. Seek help; it will be the best.

Keep yourself safe and try it; you deserve another chance to live, and also, you're still young. There are so many changes you can make for yourself and your life.
I hope you feel a little relief in the forum.