Email fallout with T - need advice please

[beaneeboo]

Thank you for your posts @Mina and @scout86 ...

I've had a really bad couple of days so just been keeping my head down...I will reply again separate time to what you wrote..

For more something more pressing (below) came up which I'd like to post

 

[beaneeboo]

I didn't write an email response to T as I've felt so awful the last few days I thought it better to leave it and rest my head on the matter.

T wrote to me this morning. What does anyone make of it? I'm pretty upset by it but then I'm feeling so bad in myself that this is maybe clouding things. I just feel like this is quite threatening in a passive aggressive way...We had a convo recently where I explained even though we've covered alot of ground in therapy, I'm not ready to finish Therapy as it's the only place in the world I get support for the thingss I bring - my past. He's the only person who knows and who I know who can help me with it. Its confusing to me as he's asked me not to email about therapeutic content, yet here he does that. Plus he's second guessing what I'm thinking. Here's what he wrote:


"I've cancelled the session for tonight, 4 March, as you asked. I'm still at a loss to process the sharp change in tone but, on reflection, it does seem that you arrived at a point of resolution on the presenting topic, where you made a decision about where your focus would lie, and on the material we worked through to get there. Mindful of this, it occurred to me that this may be your way of ending the relationship. You are in the driver's seat of course, but, as ever, the door remains open should you wish to continue. The formulation we narrated together in our last session summed up a truly phenomenal piece of work on your part, for which you are entitled to feel enduring pride.

I do need to know if I have a slot to fill, so if I don't hear from you by next week I'll close your case and we would need to recontract if you wanted to start again".



Thoughts?

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @beaneeboo

I've been wondering something about this T. Is he a trauma expert?

Lots of T's claim to "treat trauma" as well as a long list of other ailments, but true trauma therapists are generally known amongst clients as being particularly specialised in trauma treatment and often other care providers will recommend them as trauma specialists too.

I'm wondering whether if he's "just a normal therapist" whether this is where the issues are stemming from. I've never heard of an actual trauma therapist claiming DID doesn't exist.

I've also experienced therapy ruptures as common with therapists who are not specialised in trauma, but who wish they were, but who end up getting overwhelmed with the level of trauma during therapy and then weird situations/ ruptures start happening.

 

[Movingforward10]

I didn't write an email response to T as I've felt so awful the last few days I thought it better to leave it and rest my head on the matter.

T wrote to me this morning. What does anyone make of it? I'm pretty upset by it but then I'm feeling so bad in myself that this is maybe clouding things. I just feel like this is quite threatening in a passive aggressive way...We had a convo recently where I explained even though we've covered alot of ground in therapy, I'm not ready to finish Therapy as it's the only place in the world I get support for the thingss I bring - my past. He's the only person who knows and who I know who can help me with it. Its confusing to me as he's asked me not to email about therapeutic content, yet here he does that. Plus he's second guessing what I'm thinking. Here's what he wrote:


"I've cancelled the session for tonight, 4 March, as you asked. I'm still at a loss to process the sharp change in tone but, on reflection, it does seem that you arrived at a point of resolution on the presenting topic, where you made a decision about where your focus would lie, and on the material we worked through to get there. Mindful of this, it occurred to me that this may be your way of ending the relationship. You are in the driver's seat of course, but, as ever, the door remains open should you wish to continue. The formulation we narrated together in our last session summed up a truly phenomenal piece of work on your part, for which you are entitled to feel enduring pride.

I do need to know if I have a slot to fill, so if I don't hear from you by next week I'll close your case and we would need to recontract if you wanted to start again".



Thoughts?

Oh @beaneeboo . That is a very difficult email to get for sure. I'm sorry he sent it. I think he is running away with some thoughts there and he is doing some mind reading himself.

However, that said: I do read compassion and care in it.

I agree that he is raising things in this email that he said are for sessions.

I wonder if you're able to reply something along the lines of: you want to continue therapy with him (if that is what you want), and that you would like to talk about these emails and this rupture in the session, and that perhaps there is miscommunication and misunderstanding happening in these emails exchanges so it might be best to have a conversation in the session about it, and that this email exchange is causing you distress?



To me it seems like there are a few things going on:.
He is someone who is important to you as you have shared so many intimate and traumatic elements of yourself and your life with him.
He has helped you on your healing journey.
However, there have been ruptures that still permeate today re your diagnosis, his views on diagnoses, and his area of expertise. So much so that you hold this still, and maybe he holds this still (this is me mind reading!), and that you have reached out for other therapeutic support and have this whole thing happening that he doesn't know about (but maybe he senses? More mind reading again!).
And now this.


So there are complications. That maybe need airing. Letting it all out and seeing where it lands and what you want to do.

This can be resolved. Whatever that resolution is. Even if it is a working to repair where you are to end the relationship in a healthy way. Or working to repair and continue with him. The ball is in your court. And he has said that in the email.

 

[Sideways]

I don’t read ‘between the lines’ at all with therapists. So when he says this:

the door remains open should you wish to continue. The formulation we narrated together in our last session summed up a truly phenomenal piece of work on your part, for which you are entitled to feel enduring pride.

I would take that at face value.

Which is, he’s proud of the work you’ve done, and the door remains open.

He also said this:

I've cancelled the session for tonight, 4 March, as you asked.

If we ask to cancel a session, and a T refuses to do that, they’d want to have some pretty damn good reasons.

You did ask to cancel the appointment.
So he did.
He’s also told you, explicitly, that you can book another appointment if you’d like to.

He’s asked you to do that within the next week, because he wants to keep his book full. Which is normal.

To me? It sounds like he’s proud of the work you’ve done, is happy to continue, but needs you (not him) to make that call. Because that’s what he’s said.

 

[beaneeboo]

Hi @beaneeboo

I've been wondering something about this T. Is he a trauma expert?

Lots of T's claim to "treat trauma" as well as a long list of other ailments, but true trauma therapists are generally known amongst clients as being particularly specialised in trauma treatment and often other care providers will recommend them as trauma specialists too.

I'm wondering whether if he's "just a normal therapist" whether this is where the issues are stemming from. I've never heard of an actual trauma therapist claiming DID doesn't exist.

I've also experienced therapy ruptures as common with therapists who are not specialised in trauma, but who wish they were, but who end up getting overwhelmed with the level of trauma during therapy and then weird situations/ ruptures start happening.

He says he's a trauma expert. I think this is from his own experience of trauma and working in various settings with people who've experienced trauma. His training is in humanistic psychotherapy and he's clear he doesn't agree with diagnoses (gets visibly defensive in session if diagnosis is discussed to the point i don't feel comfortable owning my own diagnosis in session). He's made it clear he doesn't agree there's enough evidence for dissociative disorders. And I feel I shouldn't have to sit there and present the evidence to suggest otherwise. There have been things I've brought to session where I've literally thought he doesn't have the experience to deal with this. So that's partly why I decided to only trust him with certain knowledge about me.

Having said that, he just works with what the client brings so previously I went with 'If I want support I don't have much choice so as long as he treats what I bring maybe it doesn't matter that we both call it different things'.

But I'm really surprised by his last 2 emails and the fact he didn't consider the potential impact of these given I've told him I've still got issues to work through and I don't feel confident giving therapy up yet. That I'm dependent on it for support. For that reason it feels threatening to read because he knows that - i told him explicitly.

So yes, not what I would expect from a trauma T.

 

[beaneeboo]

Oh @beaneeboo . That is a very difficult email to get for sure. I'm sorry he sent it. I think he is running away with some thoughts there and he is doing some mind reading himself.

Thanks @Movingforward10

However, that said: I do read compassion and care in it.

For me it seems he's using the apparent compassion and care as a veil for his own frustration that, in his head, I've crossed a line with him in the email (he's irked - clear from his first 'off' email response) and that I haven't replied to that email. It puts me in the position to say 'No you're wrong i really do want to continue therapy!' When these issues never had ANYTHING to do with me finishing therapy (he alone made it that).

I agree that he is raising things in this email that he said are for sessions.

I wonder if you're able to reply something along the lines of: you want to continue therapy with him (if that is what you want), and that you would like to talk about these emails and this rupture in the session, and that perhaps there is miscommunication and misunderstanding happening in these emails exchanges so it might be best to have a conversation in the session about it, and that this email exchange is causing you distress?

I feel I've been put in the position of having to be the bigger person here. That I've done something really wrong and I have to somehow be the one to lead sorting it out. He's written 2 defensive emails (in different ways) and I feel I can't defend myself without expecting another email response from him which is quite provocative. So right now I feel stuck and silenced, scared of writing or saying something he'll misinterpret and tell me I'm wrong.

To me it seems like there are a few things going on:.
He is someone who is important to you as you have shared so many intimate and traumatic elements of yourself and your life with him.

Yes

He has helped you on your healing journey.
However, there have been ruptures that still permeate today re your diagnosis, his views on diagnoses, and his area of expertise. So much so that you hold this still, and maybe he holds this still (this is me mind reading!), and that you have reached out for other therapeutic support and have this whole thing happening that he doesn't know about (but maybe he senses? More mind reading again!).
And now this.

I couldn't tell you what he senses and what he doesn't. I still don't think it's inappropriate i haven't told him. I was waiting for a time where that felt right and comfortable for me which hasn't arrived yet. Incidences like this email exchange only serve to hold me back from doing that. Often sessions take up other more pressing material we're working on and that's the main reason I've not told him to date as well as being worried re his response and not wanting to deal with that. Is it my job to sort out his feelings in relation to this? I'm not so sure!

So there are complications. That maybe need airing. Letting it all out and seeing where it lands and what you want to do.

I agree with that. It's just how. But face to face would be better.

This can be resolved. Whatever that resolution is. Even if it is a working to repair where you are to end the relationship in a healthy way. Or working to repair and continue with him. The ball is in your court. And he has said that in the email.

Right now I'm very stuck and don't know what to do. I guess I'll have to keep sleeping on it.

 

[Movingforward10]

feel I've been put in the position of having to be the bigger person here.

That's how I'm seeing the situation too.

So right now I feel stuck and silenced, scared of writing or saying something he'll misinterpret and tell me I'm wrong.

Which this totally makes sense given the above.

Is it my job to sort out his feelings in relation to this? I'm not so sure!

Not one bit! You're not his T.

Right now I'm very stuck and don't know what to do. I guess I'll have to keep sleeping on it.

That sounds a good plan. Work through what you want before replying.

When I'm struggling, I always wonder if there is another way to see the situation or hold it differently. Not to gaslight myself but to question and ponder and to see what fits and what feels better, or not.
And in this situation, it might help to think about how @Sideways last post feels for you?

 

[Ecdysis]

Maybe just step back from this whole "email" issue and just let it be a symptom of the deeper issues?

You've had a rupture with him in the past that wasn't really resolved.

There are issues (for example, him not "believing" in diagnoses) and you feeling like you don't have enough trust in him to be open and honest about a variety of things.

Maybe try accepting that ruptures have strange, mysterious, messy ways of erupting and the details (email, cancellation policy) are relatively irrelevant. What matters is there's a rupture and how do you want to deal with it.

You're always going to have ruptures in therapeutic relationships and in general in all life relationships.

Is this a situation where you want to invest and try and clarify the rupture because you'll learn something and grow by overcoming your fears?

Maybe you and this T will mutually come to the result that he's not the right person at this point to continue to help you on your journey moving forward.

Coming to a mutual, non-aggressive, non-disappointed understanding of this can be very healing and can be a sign of maturity and growth, as opposed to just breaking off a relationship and withdrawing because you're hurt or afraid.

Also, it's possible to honour the work you've jointly done and to be grateful to him for accompanying you on your journey so far while also making the decision that you want more specialised help, like the DID centre, moving forward.

Maybe try scheduling an appointment and going into it totally open minded - either he and you put in the work and effort that make the rupture repairable for you - or you learn to advocate for yourself and to decide that you deserve more specialised trauma care than he can provide at this point?

 

[beaneeboo]

Which is, he’s proud of the work you’ve done, and the door remains open.

I would take that at face value.

I do think what he wrote here is true and we've discussed it in session. I'm just not sure what it has to do with me questioning a misunderstanding about cancellation times. I think it's misplaced him talking about me giving therapy up and conclusions to my work. It literally has nothing to do with anything.

He also said this:

If we ask to cancel a session, and a T refuses to do that, they’d want to have some pretty damn good reasons.

You did ask to cancel the appointment.
So he did.

I told him 9 days ago about cancelling 4th march. He only just confirmed today that he got this information and it's being cancelled. Even though I asked him explicitly if he'd got that info from the previous emails 8 days ago and he's written since without addressing it. So yes good that told me but actually pretty late in the day imo. And not professional that he didn't explicitly reply when I asked him to acknowledge it as he previously hadn't (I was worried he had missed the info and it was still booked in his head). But apparently this part of the tone of my emailing he didn't like?

He’s also told you, explicitly, that you can book another appointment if you’d like to.

He did so that's good.

He’s asked you to do that within the next week, because he wants to keep his book full. Which is normal.

Yes I totally agree and wouldn't want him to lose out on any business. So I also feel its appropriate that he is asking me to confirm what I want to do. No issues there.

To me? It sounds like he’s proud of the work you’ve done, is happy to continue, but needs you (not him) to make that call. Because that’s what he’s said.

That's correct.

And in addition he's also reacting emotionally to this email exchange and not handling things in the most appropriate way. Because his own issues are bleeding into the relationship as @Movingforward10 has highlighted.

 

[beaneeboo]

When I'm struggling, I always wonder if there is another way to see the situation or hold it differently. Not to gaslight myself but to question and ponder and to see what fits and what feels better, or not.

Thanks @Movingforward10 ... I'm going to let it settle over the next few days and do exactly this... not gas lighting myself... you're right... this is something we all need to do... right now I feel hurt and so my back is up...I need to let that defense come down and then look at all this again and try to see this wholly from his perspective... then see what I feel about that and where I want to go

And in this situation, it might help to think about how @Sideways last post feels for you?

Yes it's been really helpful... I can see from this whole thread that I'm someone who does a lot of mind reading... and who gets embroiled in the behind the scenes feelings and thinking of others.. and that's possibly partly due to what @No More was saying about being brought up to predict others' etc. So i will need to work on that.

But I also feel that intuition and gut feelings can go along way to helping us navigate our world. Just because we have trauma doesn't mean these radars are defunct. And I do genuinely feel i have a good feel for what's going on some situations. There is more going on here with T than just him being a T. He has let his feelings bleed in and I have to decide how much of that bothers me.

 

[beaneeboo]

.

Maybe just step back from this whole "email" issue and just let it be a symptom of the deeper issues?

I think you're right

Maybe try accepting that ruptures have strange, mysterious, messy ways of erupting and the details (email, cancellation policy) are relatively irrelevant. What matters is there's a rupture and how do you want to deal with it.

I think this also must be right because of the degree to which its upsetting me. So I do see this.

You're always going to have ruptures in therapeutic relationships and in general in all life relationships.

Yes

Is this a situation where you want to invest and try and clarify the rupture because you'll learn something and grow by overcoming your fears?

Yes. I'm just scared because I feel it's dangerous. But I know everyone's right i need to go back.

Maybe you and this T will mutually come to the result that he's not the right person at this point to continue to help you on your journey moving forward.

Coming to a mutual, non-aggressive, non-disappointed understanding of this can be very healing and can be a sign of maturity and growth, as opposed to just breaking off a relationship and withdrawing because you're hurt or afraid.

Again you're on point.

Also, it's possible to honour the work you've jointly done and to be grateful to him for accompanying you on your journey so far while also making the decision that you want more specialised help, like the DID centre, moving forward.

Definitely. Once we're through this latest issue. I do honour him. I've thanked him alot. I've told him (including in this email exchange!) that I value his work highly. But he is not good at managing clients who question anything about the way he runs his work without his personal feelings bleeding into the relationship.

Maybe try scheduling an appointment and going into it totally open minded - either he and you put in the work and effort that make the rupture repairable for you - or you learn to advocate for yourself and to decide that you deserve more specialised trauma care than he can provide at this point?

Thank you @Ecdysis .. as everyone has been here, these are really helpful words and I think a very balanced way to look at it.

I need to calm down and re-evaluate when I'm calm.