Disassociatian and loss of speech

[Quassus]

Me again..sorry this is a bit long.

Last night I has the worst episode of disassociatian I've ever had. It started with a trigger that brought images and body memories out of no where. Totally new. I was taken by total surprise and shock.

I got into the shower because I've found feeling the water to be grounding and soothing in the past. My husband came to check on me and I told him I wasn't totally with it. He kept talking and I was gone. I could hear him but I was disconnected. Fragments of images, audible bits, body memories..like a flood and all disconnected.

I started naming colors in the bathroom around me out loud. I couldn't stop once I started. My brain was hyper focused on saying colors. Even when my husband checked on me again..I kept saying color names. I couldn't find any other words.

I got out of the shower and dressed by naming colors. Was exhausted and laid down and went into a long freeze state. This is a typical response for me lately. I've learned how to talk myself out of it internally over time. Body memories that didn't have much context kept coming. Finally I could move and my husband was reminding me where I was and that I was disassociating. Haha I know thanks. It was sweet that he tries. I was " back" mostly but I could not speak. I tried and only sounds came out or slurred words. It was horrible. I eventually could text things but speak words no.

This was by far the worst episode I've had. I went to sleep unable to Totally escape the feeling of being touched. I could say one word slowly with effort.

Loosing the ability to speak was really scary..not going to lie. Aside from writing/texting...has anyone who experienced this found anything helpful? I definitely plan to talk to my T on Tuesday about it.

 

[arfie]

Aside from writing/texting...has anyone who experienced this found anything helpful?

one of my more effective therapists had a theory she called, "psychic flu." within this theory, my mental illness episodes became, "flu bouts" for which i took the focus away from the subject of the episode and focused on my physical symptoms, with a prescription similar to that of physical flu. "lots of water, rest and soft foods. don't rush the convalescence. easy does it. fever dementia allowed."

This was by far the worst episode I've had.

comparing flu bouts was/is counter-productive in my case. every episode is in need of care. K.I.S.S K.I.S.S Keep It Simple, Sweetie.

I definitely plan to talk to my T on Tuesday about it.

a most excellent plan. gentle support while you work it through.

for what it's worth
i went through a phase in recovery where the increase in severity and intensity was dramatic. in the end, i had processed the horrors far enough that they no longer had the power to dominate my here and now. healing happened.

 

[One step at a time]

It helped me to lean into slowing down, and writing only when I was ready, and not rushing to get back to speaking. For me music is a bridge between the unable-to-words phase and the able-to-write phase.

So, for me, it's:
(1) work towards being able to go curl up under a blanket
(2) allow the muteness to settle over me for a minute or three, stop fighting it, this can feel surprisingly peaceful
(3) discover there's a melody that fits my mood... this just kind of happens, after a while
(4) end up humming it - out loud or in my head
(5) start to have feelings connected to the song - sadness, joy, anger
(6) journal on paper or on screen
(7) find I'm hungry or need to use the bathroom or whatever, emerge into the larger world again, begin using words out loud, even if I'm just narrating what I'm doing or what I need next

I don't do every step every time, and it isn't a deliberate recipe, but this is the gist of what I've found works for me, over time. Hope some pieces of it can be helpful to you.

 

[Quassus]

It helped me to lean into slowing down, and writing only when I was ready, and not rushing to get back to speaking. For me music is a bridge between the unable-to-words phase and the able-to-write phase.

So, for me, it's:
(1) work towards being able to go curl up under a blanket
(2) allow the muteness to settle over me for a minute or three, stop fighting it, this can feel surprisingly peaceful
(3) discover there's a melody that fits my mood... this just kind of happens, after a while
(4) end up humming it - out loud or in my head
(5) start to have feelings connected to the song - sadness, joy, anger
(6) journal on paper or on screen
(7) find I'm hungry or need to use the bathroom or whatever, emerge into the larger world again, begin using words out loud, even if I'm just narrating what I'm doing or what I need next

I don't do every step every time, and it isn't a deliberate recipe, but this is the gist of what I've found works for me, over time. Hope some pieces of it can be helpful to

That sounds helpful! In the end it sounds like time...and patience.

 

[brokenpony]

i have experienced it a few ways.

i have had at least one moment of actual aphasia and that was rather scary and possibly psychogenic seizure. like standing there normal, then sudden loss of temporal context, lost access to language and then something like word salad came out, like i was trying to find my way back to language once i realized where i was and i couldn’t. this sounds kind of like what happened to you but for me it wasn’t such a long time to recover. more like minutes. but it was at work.

otherwise have experienced more like not being able to move my vocal cords when i move to say something and that usually happens in therapy, like i’m not allowed to speak. i have access to language and can say other things but not what i’m trying to say. i don’t know what this is. it’s distressing but not a flashback situation, more like a kind of selective paralysis? (is this familiar to anyone and have you made sense of it?)

most often i experience something like being able to speak but very slowly like long pauses between words, molasses speech or issues with word recall (like “the thing you use to make teeth clean” instead of “toothbrush” for ex). this is when i’m having the kind of dissociation where you feel kind of drugged out or hypnotized. i have access to language but it’s like when the computer freezes up when too many processes are running and the cursor is spinning.

i have also just had straight freeze deer in headlights kind of thing where i can’t move at all but high panic.

to help with the third i use tactile stimulation. for the fourth it kind of depends how bad it is but sometimes my therapist “ordering” me to pick up my coffee or something helps. for the second i just stop trying to say it. for the first i do not know, i was so disoriented and i think i really wasn’t in a state of mind to make a decision on what to do. so i’m not sure. but you had the good idea to name colors, it was just too big of an event maybe for that intervention (which hasn’t usually been helpful for me, why i use tactile stuff and sometimes hot sauce or very sour candy). maybe naming colors is for your levels 1-2 dissociation and you and your therapist can think of something more effective for the next level?

 

[Quassus]

i have experienced it a few ways.

i have had at least one moment of actual aphasia and that was rather scary and possibly psychogenic seizure. like standing there normal, then sudden loss of temporal context, lost access to language and then something like word salad came out, like i was trying to find my way back to language once i realized where i was and i couldn’t. this sounds kind of like what happened to you but for me it wasn’t such a long time to recover. more like minutes. but it was at work.

otherwise have experienced more like not being able to move my vocal cords when i move to say something and that usually happens in therapy, like i’m not allowed to speak. i have access to language and can say other things but not what i’m trying to say. i don’t know what this is. it’s distressing but not a flashback situation, more like a kind of selective paralysis? (is this familiar to anyone and have you made sense of it?)

most often i experience something like being able to speak but very slowly like long pauses between words, molasses speech or issues with word recall (like “the thing you use to make teeth clean” instead of “toothbrush” for ex). this is when i’m having the kind of dissociation where you feel kind of drugged out or hypnotized. i have access to language but it’s like when the computer freezes up when too many processes are running and the cursor is spinning.

i have also just had straight freeze deer in headlights kind of thing where i can’t move at all but high panic.

to help with the third i use tactile stimulation. for the fourth it kind of depends how bad it is but sometimes my therapist “ordering” me to pick up my coffee or something helps. for the second i just stop trying to say it. for the first i do not know, i was so disoriented and i think i really wasn’t in a state of mind to make a decision on what to do. so i’m not sure. but you had the good idea to name colors, it was just too big of an event maybe for that intervention (which hasn’t usually been helpful for me, why i use tactile stuff and sometimes hot sauce or very sour candy). maybe naming colors is for your levels 1-2 dissociation and you and your therapist can think of something more effective for the next level?

Hmm interesting! It's true, colors may need to be for lower level. I've heard sour candy is helpful for disassociatian or if you are in a functional freeze state so I'll have to try that one! The loss of speech for such an extended period was weird, next time it won't be as scary I don't think. I've heard sometimes singing can help as it uses different parts of your brain.

 

[Sideways]

I've heard sour candy is helpful for disassociatian or if you are in a functional freeze state so I'll have to try that one!

Quick, powerful ways to hit reset on dissociation can be jumping under a cold shower (clothes n all if necessary), or keeping a couple of frozen oranges in the freezer so you can hold them in both hands.

Short of that level of intervention (which can be a little bit too much!), you can have some fun creating a Grounding Kit. I have a strong preference for strong mints over the sour lollies. I also keep a fidget spinner, stress ball, origami paper, and lavender oil.