Sexual Assault Inappropriate Behavior: Teen and Older Man Online Interaction

[Lola234]

Hi, I want to know your opinion on this. It's related to someone I know and I want to help them.
One person I know (I won't say their true name for their privacy), let's call her Mary, met a 60-years old man on internet, in support group, when she was only 15. He offered her support and comfort while promising he would never do anything sexual to her.
However, in time, he started to have sexually explicit conversations with Mary. He told her how he's attracted to her, how he loves her more than anything, asked her questions about masturbation and said other stuff. I think this is really disgusting, he was an old man and Mary was just a teenager.
He was very kind to her and helped her a lot with her problems, but he also had sexually explicit conversations. Mary was convinced he loves her so she didn't do anything against it.
But that man was from country where the age of consent is 16. He knew it very well. According to law in his country, he was sexually abusing her the whole time. However, Mary was from another country where the age of consent is 15, so in her country, it wouldn't be a crime.
Mary is no longer in contact with this person and she's safe now, just for information.
I want to know your opinions on this. I myself think that regardless of specific laws, it was highly unhealthy and inappropriate relationship...

 

[Charbella]

I wonder what you hope to get out of being right? I mean is your friend experiencing some sort of problem and you think the two things are related? Do you hope to convince her she was abused?

Honestly if this person is no longer 15/16 then I’d butt out. If she’s convinced it’s not a problem the only thing you gain is pushing her to face trauma and even a therapist won’t do that and they’re trained. Given the pain I feel from my trauma I’d hate to be responsible for forcing someone to face theirs.

 

[Lola234]

I wonder what you hope to get out of being right? I mean is your friend experiencing some sort of problem and you think the two things are related? Do you hope to convince her she was abused?

Honestly if this person is no longer 15/16 then I’d butt out. If she’s convinced it’s not a problem the only thing you gain is pushing her to face trauma and even a therapist won’t do that and they’re trained. Given the pain I feel from my trauma I’d hate to be responsible for forcing someone to face theirs.

She feels really bad about this and she feels used and manipulated, but she says that it was her fault. I don't force her to face anything.

 

[Charbella]

Sounds like you should help her see that most victims of sexual abuse blame themselves.

 

[Lola234]

Sounds like you should help her see that most victims of sexual abuse blame themselves.

Yeah I told her it's not her fault but she still blames herself :( she can't believe it was sexual abuse cuz he was very kind to her so she rather thinks about it like, it was inappropriate, but she consented so it was her fault and she only regrets it now. Idk if I'm explaining it well, I hope you understand.

 

[Weemie]

He was very kind to her

He was manipulative to her. There's a difference. He leveraged emotional support in order to guilt her into providing material for his sexual fantasies. That isn't kindness, it's manipulation.

 

[Movingforward10]

She feels really bad about this and she feels used and manipulated, but she says that it was her fault. I don't force her to face anything.

She was being groomed online. All these mixed feelings come out of grooming, which is essentially manipulation of a situation.

 

[OM_™]

It's grooming, don't be fooled by kindness. Some abusers use violence, others use kindness — kindness is a tool.

My abuser used kindness and it confused the f*ck out of me for years. I blamed myself then shamed myself for the next 50 years.

Age of consent in this case is irrelevant. In my mind her youth and his seniority makes it potentially abusive. I'm not talking legality here. This is someone who is emotionally immature being exploited by a senior citizen. She has done nothing wrong. He Has!

 

[Lola234]

It's grooming, don't be fooled by kindness. Some abusers use violence, others use kindness — kindness is a tool.

My abuser used kindness and it confused the f*ck out of me for years. I blamed myself then shamed myself for the next 50 years.

Age of consent in this case is irrelevant. In my mind her youth and his seniority makes it potentially abusive. I'm not talking legality here. This is someone who is emotionally immature being exploited by a senior citizen. She has done nothing wrong. He Has!

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I agree with you, but idk how to convince her it wasn't her fault :(

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I agree with you, but idk how to convince her it wasn't her fault :(

You can't convince her. But you can open the dialogue about it.
It's very hard to shift the self blame and confusion. If it *feels* your fault, someone telling you it isn't is just words that have no felt sense. In fact, the words are opposite to the felt sense.
All you can do is be there for her.

She might want some resources, if she's ready and interested, to help her understand how grooming works and the impact of it.

 

[OM_™]

I myself think that regardless of specific laws, it was highly unhealthy and inappropriate relationship...

Try not to keep telling her that it was ‘highly unhealthy’ as this may come across as being judgemental.

All you can do is be there for her.

She might want some resources, if she's ready and interested, to help her understand how grooming works and the impact of it.

100% agree with what Movingforward10 says.

 

[Lola234]

Yeah... thank you all for your responses