I internalized an identity as both a protector and a perpetrator simultaneously very early on. I coped by drawing upon myself as something of a beneficent monster. It's not a coincidence that I named that part James; James is a character in Silent Hill who develops an ego construct called Pyramid Head, the primary villain who is seen punishing other monsters such as Nurses when they get out of line.
For a majority of the series Pyramid Head is portrayed as the antagonist, where it is then revealed that Pyramid Head is actually you, and a representation of your guilt at euthanizing your terminally ill spouse. I was the monster that hunted the monsters. Someone who used their internal resilience and lack of emotionality to do the work that no one else could, very effectively.
Anyway, this is all very fantastical and not at all a representation of what my reality was like. I used maladaptive daydreaming and created characters split off into different facets in order to compose specific ways of being that allowed me to contend with my circumstances. In my mind, I was rigid and organized and in-control. I had agency, purpose, power. But in reality I was simply at the mercy of people more physically powerful than me.
I had no agency, no control, and no power. If I hadn't demonstrated callousness early on, I would have just been a sex slave. Unfortunately, I was too young to understand that I should have been masking those traits. Everything that I did, was with the intention of ensuring that we survived. If I had to rape, torture, beat, maim someone then I would do it without any regard for their psychological well-being. Endure, or die. Those were the only options.
And my existence was predicated on twisting it all around and around until it became something that I was able to maneuver in. But the reality is, I was always stuck in place. The place that they wanted me to be in. Even though my identity as a monster causes me significant distress in the form of remorse (and periodically guilt, though this is shakier) and various forms of OCD, it is still easier to deal with it being my responsibility than it is to admit that the universe is random and I had zero control.
