I think Im gonna kill myself. I know exactly how to do it

[Friday]

All of them. Children because I'm worried about messing them up with my sickness and women and men both.

Who would you help without second thought?

Someone screaming?
Someone bleeding?
Someone crying?
Someone trapped in a car accident?
A child?
A naked person in public?
An elderly person incapable of getting up?
A person banging on a car window?
Holding the hand of someone dying, who is reaching for you?
A kid with Down’s syndrome, with fairy wings, twirling?
A pregnant woman in labor, struggling to get to a taxi, calling for help?
Someone with an injured puppy? (Child, adult, elderly, male, female, healthy, hurt, etc.).
Someone screaming to call 911? (Child, adult, elderly, male, female, healthy, hurt, etc.).



Look for the exceptions to the rule. There’s always at least one, and more often, many many many.

 

[JudeWest]

Who would you help without second thought?

Someone screaming?
Someone bleeding?
Someone crying?
Someone trapped in a car accident?
A child?
A naked person in public?
An elderly person incapable of getting up?
A person banging on a car window?
Holding the hand of someone dying, who is reaching for you?
A kid with Down’s syndrome, with fairy wings, twirling?
A pregnant woman in labor, struggling to get to a taxi, calling for help?
Someone with an injured puppy? (Child, adult, elderly, male, female, healthy, hurt, etc.).
Someone screaming to call 911? (Child, adult, elderly, male, female, healthy, hurt, etc.).



Look for the exceptions to the rule. There’s always at least one, and more often, many many many.

Honestly I don't get this I just feel like you're mocking my fear

 

[Movingforward10]

Honestly I don't get this I just feel like you're mocking my fear

I don't read it like that.
I read it that Friday is trying to break it down a bit. When we are triggered and distressed we get into black/white, binary, absolute thinking. But that isn't the case when we look at the situation without loading the past onto it. Breaking it down. Giving cognitive distortions alternatives. Changing the narrative you give yourself. All those things help with healing.

 

[anthony]

All of them. Children because I'm worried about messing them up with my sickness

Ok, please explain? How will you mess a child up with your sickness?

 

[Friday]

Honestly I don't get this I just feel like you're mocking my fear

Not at all, the opposite.

I get being afraid of everyone.
I get hating everyone.
I get mistrusting everyone.
I get mistrusting myself.
I get caring so deeply for everyone, or for specific people or groups, that I would go to the ends of the earth to avoid …f*cking them up, contaminating them, hurting them… by staying as far the f*ck away as possible.

Because I’ve lived it.
And known so many others living it.

Every time those full sail realities have been a part of my life, or someone I know/love, and… cracked? Not shattered, just a pinpoint of light in the dark… there’s been an exception. That I’ve experienced, or witnessed, or waited for, or looked for.

 

[JudeWest]

Ok, please explain? How will you mess a child up with your sickness?

I don't want them to see me sick. I know a person with PTSD untreated can really mess a kid up especially when they're in an episode.

Ok, please explain? How will you mess a child up with your sickness?

PTSD can be like a virus. You can pass it on from generation to generation. That's what happened to me and I've seen it happen to my friends. I don't want to hurt anybody with my panics especially children. Traumatized people can hurt people and often do and that's just the ugly truth. Every one of my abusers suffered with trauma and passed it on to me. We're not inherently dangerous, but hurt people do hurt people. And I don't want to be a part of that cycle

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds like you're finding lots of ways to justify your thoughts.
Can you find ways to shift them slightly?

If someone said to you what you say, how would you respond?

 

[Midnightmoon]

PTSD can be like a virus. You can pass it on from generation to generation. That's what happened to me and I've seen it happen to my friends. I don't want to hurt anybody with my panics especially children. Traumatized people can hurt people and often do and that's just the ugly truth. Every one of my abusers suffered with trauma and passed it on to me. We're not inherently dangerous, but hurt people do hurt people. And I don't want to be a part of that cycle

Just going to jump in here because I could have typed every one of those words, I get it, so many of us will, generational trauma is part of so many peoples stories. TBH it would be weird if it wasn't really. Like, if we're being raised by parents who had their own crap they hadn't dealt with, whose parents also had crap they hadn't dealt with, erm, it's almost inevitable that the crap is then 'ours' too. That's without any direct trauma to us ourselves...

I've begrudgingly concluded we have a choice. Either, do as you say and complete isolate, this is currently what I'm doing... It's a terrible plan, honestly, it makes symptoms 200 times worse, the self loathing, the suicidal ideation, the hopelessness. All of it worse. Or, we try to heal. We try to stop the cycle of trauma between generations and get help to not be stuck in that dynamic anymore. Help might need to shift a bit for you, maybe Ts approach needs a re look, maybe you need to add more tools to your arsenal, maybe meds need looking at. Heck maybe all of it needs a complete throw in the air. Healing is hard hard work, but I'm convinced it has to be worth it otherwise those that are through the other side wouldn't keep harping on about it. Wishing you well

 

[abovedown]

I don't want them to see me sick. I know a person with PTSD untreated can really mess a kid up especially when they're in an episode.


PTSD can be like a virus. You can pass it on from generation to generation. That's what happened to me and I've seen it happen to my friends. I don't want to hurt anybody with my panics especially children. Traumatized people can hurt people and often do and that's just the ugly truth. Every one of my abusers suffered with trauma and passed it on to me. We're not inherently dangerous, but hurt people do hurt people. And I don't want to be a part of that cycle

I think untreated pstd might potentially lead your kids getting traumatized but to me it seems you are doing your best to get help and get better. And I think kids can handle knowing that their parent has a difficult time a) if they have been explained in age appropriate way that mom/dad is going through with a difficult time b) they are not made to feel they have caused their parent illness c) parent actively seeks help and does what is possible right now take care of themselves

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @JudeWest . I get where you are coming from and consider(ed) myself a 'dumb bomb' in anyone's life around me for a long time, but I have to agree with what the others have mentioned. Ultimately how you define yourself is what your life will contain, and feeling suicidal doesn't indicate this is working. I agree with @Friday . I have always said of myself I manage better thinking of someone else and forgetting about myself; that is their need being greater than my fear. Perhaps because of such a stilted view of myself, which unfortunately will affect all relationships if you let it and your life itself. Mindset can control lots of thoughts and choices if we let it, such as when you were overcome with the thoughts suicide was the only and best choice. I've found it feels like a Giant Black Spot which focuses on some things at the exclusion of others, for me anyway.

Perhaps one question is rather how to reduce the fear? Think of it this way, somehow your husband slipped through the cracks and got close to you and he is both human and a man. (And tbh perhaps one of your strengths is sharing with him because I'd never be able to 'teach' someone how to coregulate me- that would be far to intrusive on them in my mind.) And oddly enough, I've read studies where one of the most impactful illnesses of a parent on a child is actually depression, specifically the withdrawl and lack of interaction or attention from the parent. And if everyone avoided humans because they had a defect or illness or issue, well I think there would be no one left helping anyone. If anything people are more likely to take your avoidance as a personal avoidance or rejection of them. And I am sure they are missing out on many of your wonderful qualities and self.

I've known a few people with ptsd irl and I am thankful they chose to risk forging ahead. My dad was likely one of them.

Best wishes on your journey and welcome to you.

 

[anthony]

I don't want them to see me sick.

Ok, but remember where you started with this? Fear! So this isn't fear of children, but maybe, your own fear of how a child will perceive you because you have been affected as a child?

PTSD can be like a virus. You can pass it on from generation to generation.

Yes and no. PTSD is just a label someone devised to slap on a bunch of symptoms that have an effect on the person. Trauma, that is the cause, not PTSD. Trauma can be passed by experience.

So being around a child is not going to negatively affect them, but, if you're abusive around the child, then sure, that may have a negative effect on them. What if you positively affect a child because you know how not to be because of your own childhood experience?

Like I said earlier, fear is about rational and irrational. Not everything is one or the other, but a combination depending on circumstance. Look at the entire circumstance, not just part of it that justifies the answer to yourself.

 

[Givrali]

I'm not planning being a mother a day. But I love being around others and I'm very afraid my problems might affect them badly. What I do for be able to feel safe being around people (their "safety") is to prevent I can get depressed at times because my illness, I may sound insensitive and very blunt with my words because autism, I easily got stressed and rapidly have bad anxiety. So people know it's just me not them doing something wrong. Also I sometimes ask if I didn't say something that uspet them if I got anxious I may did it. If I think someone left my friendship because I was too much to handle to them I ask and just let them go saying they're right take care of themself and I understand and won't be trashed talk them about this because I understand the need and that seems healthy to me. I had a friend who couldn't cope with my phone calls anymore so I just accept that it was the best for her to leave because I personally know how terrible is to be forced to be with someone you're too worried about.

This far some people left and I let them. Some just understand I'm sick and getting over anxious, trash talk myself and asking them why they still want to be with me and they know I'm in good hands and will reach for help if it goes too far. They enjoy being my friends even thought I still can't understand why they actually do and I trust them to not being with me if they need "a rest from me"