I'm getting overwhelmed

[SeekingAfrica]

I have been on sort of a rollercoaster this year between submitting to problems and trying to improve things.
For about month and a half I have been trying and I think today I'm losing it a bit.

Or the last couple days.

I have been patient. I have set boundaries, even if they weren't always respected. I accepted being alone and lonely for few months. I have been trying to learn, to grow, to restart parts of my life, to reflect on things and to just do the work I have well while I'm trying to get more. I accepted not having most of what I needed, using beauty product I dislike, borrowing clothes, getting used to never having privacy, doing job that was just put on me, not replacing things I need because I was in a hole and had to accept that you don't just dig yourself out in a day.

I worked hard. I get a phone number finally. I got more kids to teach. I've had regular morning routine. I set a goal date for being independent again to motivate myself. I am learning to make DIY beauty products from some stuff at home. I started using a budgeting app and learning languages I will need again. Doing research on jobs I can start because what I did for a decade is becoming more obsolete. It's a hard time for many people, I have seen this around me, so I have tried to adapt. I am even thinking of how to increase my income to start having an emergency fund, because the last 2 years have shown me that without it, crisis times lead to even more debt I can't handle.

But there is something that is just off. Maybe it's having a cold and still having to be the same amoun. Maybe it's the change in weather, I'm not ready to budget for winter. I think this made me more anxious which is why I'm now sick of everything for the moment. I'm sick of eating 5 foods over and over because it's what I have ingredients for or I'm not too tired to make. I'm sick of delaying buying things I actually really need because I'm scared that my income is still not enough to allow them but then feeling not good enough for going to job interviews or when teaching because I'm literally out of things that should be basics. Also I'm sick and it's taking me a lot of patience to not use a little of the money on stupid junk food or one of the items I find comforting.

I'm still on a journey, I need to get used to all these things and take babysteps to solve them, I GET that.
I just...how do I make change without breaking my progress? I think I'm just plateauing a bit after some progress and I'm looking for a change. and since I'm not home I can't exactly reorder my furniture or redecorate and DIY things and stuff.

I know it's silly problem and I have bigger ones, but this week is driving me crazy.

I'm tired of just being used to things not being fine. I'm exhausted. Like, I need to be able to make SOME step forward without really breaking my budget, and I should be fine with planning to make a change after 2 weeks or 3 weeks or whatever it happens to be...
But I really need a sign that I'm doing something right, not just accepting things being bad for the sake of acceptance, but actually improving stuff. Like, things are improving but at such speed that I'm questioning myself. And up until few days ago I was not, I had just accepted everything feeling upside down for the time being, I was as humble as I could for a while and I was trying and now I'm so anxious and I need to DO something.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

OK, this is stupid, this is so stupid in perspective, I know...
I'm just so entirely sick of everything and all my patience is popping off. And because I'm anxious choosing one small thing to allow myself to do without breaking my effort is kind of testing me.

I'm just... I'm so anxious I can't concentrate on things, and I have to do something, if small, for my sanity, but I feel so boxed in it's driving me insane. It's a stupid problem but I'm like hyperventilating and I Don't know why, I have been accepting of many much harder things for weeks.

 

[arfie]

with my own recovery progress, it helps me to take a closer look at my measuring sticks. the healing mysteries don't seem to be great respecters of my business agendas and scientific measures. when i am busy agonizing over secular points, i rarely notice the less measurable progress.

I'm like hyperventilating and I Don't know why,

my guess is at least partly habit. good time practice breathing techniques. maybe some yoga in the park?

 

[Friday]

I have been on sort of a rollercoaster this year between submitting to problems and trying to improve things.

I tend to think of it as a dance. You’re one of the few people who would probably understand that. The good pain, vs bad; which is good to push through, and which is going to cost me for being stubborn about it. The choreographed married to instantly reacting to change happening in the moment (ideally) … (or the extra infuriating/embarassing f*ckups of not doing so). When to bend, when to brace. When to be fluid, when to be unyielding. It’s never perfect. Except? When it is. And then THAT is the new damn standard for “normal”.

The better I am both AT the dance, and AS a dancer? The better my life. But when I’m injured, distracted, unfamiliar? Things (me! my life!) suffer. BOTH? Require a helluva lotta practice and training. Even with that as a foundation? “Coming back” from injury/illness/etc. changes …all the things. Foh’geddabout when I’m in the middle of being sick/injured and having to fight… all the things times a zillion.

I'm just so entirely sick of everything and all my patience is popping off. And because I'm anxious choosing one small thing to allow myself to do without breaking my effort is kind of testing me.

That happens.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yup... this year has been ALL the things at once. All unfortunate life things in one (isn't that how it tends to go).
I sort of made my peace with some of it but I have lots m8re to learn.
There will be ups and downs.

I guess this week is at the downs where I feel like more is happening but I'm going backwards (fair in dance, nit so great in life). Like I know this will be long process and I'll get patient again... But for a moment, just for a moment I'm over it. I'm sick, the children I teach are canceling for being sick, the weather doesn't allow me to go outside much (no winter or fall shoes more than jogging style shoes). And I'm sick of no make up, no beauty products, no choice in food, not feeling like I'm presenting myself well in clothing and so on. I'm sick of clutter in the house but I'm not allowed to fix it because it's not my house. It's going to be so for a while, it has to, for me to get on my feet.

It just feels OK sometimes and exhaustingly much at others.
I have to make choices I'm not sure of because it's not much of situation where I can be sure but at least I should try to take care of myself on basic level. Sometimes.

This is a rant, I recognize that.

I'm rebuilding my life and it can't all come clean and perfect.
It could always be worse and I know that. I just need a moment to regroup and self care, I'm fuming.

It's a hard week. I just need to replenish my all my physical and mental batteries for a moment to be able to continue this journey.

 

[Friday]

I'm fuming.

It's a hard week. I just need to replenish my all my physical and mental batteries for a moment to be able to continue this journey.

That’s the good kind of anger/frustration. It’s annoying as f*ck in the moment, but? It means your knee-jerk is to keep fighting, keep working, for more, better, faster.

Rest/replenish & Ground/center= PERFECT