Relationship "The other person" in a CPTSD relationship

[Anon1]

Hey @Anon1

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In reading through your posts/threads to get a better understanding I kinda really feel bad for you.

It sounds like you two were only together like 6 or 7 months? Yet you're having such a hard time letting go and moving on from her. And that you're not over her.

It also sounds like you're having a hard time accepting that it ended, why it ended and how it ended and are trying so hard to understand. Like maybe you're hoping if you can understand things might be able to work out eventually?

IDK, but I read this on FB "imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of focusing on healing from the poison you chase the sanke to understand why it bit you and to prove you didn't deserve it". Maybe it;s time to focus on healing rather than trying to understand why things went the way they did?

Hey Jade,

thanks for your message!

Yeah - we first connected a couple of years ago, then lost contact. We were messaging for about six months, properly together for about six months, then dancing around each other post-breakup for about six months.

But the main bulk of actually 'being together' was six months.

You're right as well - I was having a super hard time completely letting it go.

Probably for a few reasons - being in her city in a different state felt like a total adventure, the acceleration of physical intimacy and a ton of... I don't know... emotional entanglement I guess(?)... confusing behaviours that I just couldn't understand... a big trauma story in her past which seemed like it legitimised her behaviour (I now understand that it didn't)... and then just being dropped... and having the sense of:

"What the hell happened, and how was someone who seemed so nice (regular church goer, in a caring profession etc) also capable of behaving so... strangely, and badly...?"

Hearing about her CSA was brutal too... she described very graphic things that I didn't even know people did to each other... and for a few months after, I felt that stuff under my skin... like I couldn't wash it out of me, or something.

(I guess I wasn't prepared for what she'd share, so it was kind of like a gut punch, or something.)

Then I had to fly over to her city once a month for two years for a course... and every time I was there, I felt like I barely knew anyone, so I was alone; everyone had her accent and shared cultural habits, I was staying like... fifteen minutes from her house (the city isn't big)... and I'd go out, explore the city, and try to immerse myself in the place, but reminders were everywhere and I didn't really have anyone close to hang out with.

It was a very, very lonely time - and I sort of wish I hadn't met her, because I probably would've enjoyed the course way more (or else I wish my boundaries had been strong and high enough that I would've treated myself better - rather than getting super involved with someone who I sort of knew was probably very troubled).

I beat myself up a lot at the time - I felt like I'd let everyone down (her, her family, me, God, my family... etc) - because here was this troubled person who'd been through a ton, and I'd just like... gone and kissed her [in truth, she instigated all of that], stirred things up, and not managed to be what she needed (I don't see it that way anymore - it's just how I felt at the time).

I thought: "Her family must've tried to support her for years... and they must think I'm this scoundrel guy who's had his fun and then left"

I wasn't in a very 'solid' stable, settled place in life either - which didn't help.

And then to try to be 'just friends' after - and to end up being on the receiving end of a random threatening call... it was a bit head spinning!

There are two sides to every story of course, but I'm not leaving any big information out of this - or leaving out some terrible/weird/creepy behaviour on my part... I was just... very confused and hurt by the whole thing...

Anyway!

The latest (see my last post on another thread) - is that I've now truly clicked that I'm in no way responsible for her, I don't owe her anything, she can heal, she's not this 'lost child' that I have to pity and take care of...

And I see the whole situation VERY differently now.

I'm not moping about it any more, I'm getting my ass back to work, I'm looking square at the future, and I'm really excited for what life will bring.

And I'm REALLY glad that I won't marry her/become her punching bag/have to carry the weight of navigating her heavy, heavy personal demons...

It feels fresh, and good! :)

(Ps - none of this is meant to throw shade on CPTSD sufferers in general - I've heard enough about CPTSD now to understand that... her stuff was... y'know... not necessarily applicable to lots of CPTSD situations)

 

[Anon1]

Just writing this as a general reply to others also -

Thank you for your thoughts! :)

Yeah... I have no idea if she's a narcissist or a BPD sufferer or a CPTSD-only sufferer or any number of any other things.

It has been helpful to read posts from CPTSD sufferers who've said:

"Erm... no - that's not CPTSD."

It gives me more of a frame of reference.

I guess when I see posts here in reply to my own posts, I'll be back to reply to them - and I am interested in what happened, because it was so painful... debriefing on it still feels... at least interesting in some way.

But I have turned a MASSIVE corner now; I see the areas that I need to work on in myself, and I've been doing that work, and I'm in a way - WAY - better place now.

She's in my past. Good luck to her. I hope life goes well for her (sincerely), but I'm back on my own path now, and that feels great :)

Thanks everyone!

 

[Friday]

I have turned a MASSIVE corner now; I see the areas that I need to work on in myself, and I've been doing that work, and I'm in a way - WAY - better place now.

Good on.

 

[Anon1]

Good on.

I appreciate it :)

It was a big horrible learning curve, but it taught me a lot - and I probably *had* to learn some of that stuff, in the end. (Even if I wouldn't have volunteered for it!)