a new memory (maybe)

[sidptitala]

I'm thinking about writing letters to everyone again. Because i'm so desperate for things to change, and to be less alone.

What do I want from writing to my mom?

• To get a chance to express myself without interruption
• To provide the narrative myself and not just answer her questions
• To choose the time and place of the conversations myself, based on what´s good for me
• To tell her I want her to let me keep my distance from him and ask her to agree to it
• To outline consequences if she goes back on what she said
• To tell her it makes me feel worthless when she forgets what happened to me or acts like it doesn't matter

Boundaries with her:

• I won't talk about sexual abuse or other things that happened in childhood at all with her ? (Is this is a good idea?) Is it better to tell her someone abused me sexually but refuse to say who? That might make her more likely to be supportive. But I can't elaborate at all then, it only makes sense in the context of it being him & no one else had the opportunity
• If she makes it about her, I'll have to insist that it's about me

There are a lot of unknowns about this. She might confront him and then take his side when he denies it. I may need her to accidentally tell me things that give me context for what happened to me - and she's less likely to do this if she thinks it might strengthen my argument that something did.

I have to make a decision and I can't tell which one I will regret more.

 

[sidptitala]

I have to admit I'm thinking about all this to try and avoid the pain I'm feeling. Everything is unbearable.

 

[sidptitala]

I think these are the things I would want from telling other people:

Tell me I didn't deserve it, that it wasn't my fault
Tell me I matter and it matters what happened to me
Keep telling and showing me that, repeat it over time
Recognise I've been through a lot and have a sense of perspective with me when I'm annoying them
Respect I don't want to see or hear about him - facilitate this
Understand that what I went through has affected every part of my life and I have the right to have feelings about them and actively try to heal

These seem far too much to hope for maybe. But I do see myself drastically cutting contact if they can't do them.

It's getting so hard to hide all this, the mask is slipping. My sister contacted my girlfriend to ask her to tell me to reply to her. I'm ignoring everyone and struggling to do any household tasks or even eat or get out of bed.

I've read articles about telling people you were abused, and they say do it from a position of strength. I'm so tired of pretending to be strong. And I know those articles are right at the same time.

 

[sidptitala]

Is asking family members to allow me no contact with him going to be the end of having a family?

That's the question I'm struggling with.

 

[sidptitala]

I finally cleaned my bedroom (it feels so much better). I'm going to try hard to keep it from getting overwhelming again. I'm going to commit to never putting clothes on the floor because that has been the core of the problem.

And I went dancing with work friends. It was nice- and at the end there were so many men we didn't know trying to pick us up. That was really uncomfortable.

Someone told me I was flakey. Which is true and tbh if that's the only part of my struggles people can see at work then I think I am doing pretty well at hiding it.

Therapist last week we talked about the battle between two versions of myself- one that does everything and one that does nothing. I think she was saying that the part that does nothing is a younger version of me (which makes sense, as much as I hate it). Usually on the weekends that part of me takes over. Which is why I haven't cleaned my room in such a long time (because I can't move whenever I am not working).

This weekend so far I've managed to avoid it. I can feel it ready to take over and feel like I'm just trying to out run it. Like I will collapse unless I keep myself so, so busy.

On some level I do want to understand more about the abuse that happened to me. Placing it in context by having more details helps. On the other hand, the information is so overwhelming and destabilising and interferes so much with my life in the present day when it pops up.

 

[sidptitala]

Two things that feel important:

Figuring out the actual chain of events that led my previous homelessness (to see if I can lessen my fear about that in the present day)

Comparing my life now to my life when I lived with my girlfriend (before just saying yes to things because she wants them, in the near future). I need to remember who miserable I was.

Beyond that, I haven't though so deeply about therapy last week and I need to.
She said a big issue for me is that I never really feel safe. It'll be hard to make progress as long as that's true.
I said that I understood I had to look strong around men, authority figures or anyone in power - make it look like I'm tough. She asked why and I didn't really know- but then it dawned on me: because I have no one behind me. I have no one to go to for help. (I still think that's true).

One of my biggest fears about my girlfriend is that I'll find out some day she won't have my back about abuse. I worry that she doesn't think it's a big deal, that I should just get over it. That's my big fear with everyone.

Therapist said I must have had a desire for someone to rescue me from abuse. I didn't really think anyone would stand up for me, at any point. I'm only starting to want something like that now (wanting it feels pointless also, and kind of exposing).

I apologised to my mom for not apologising to my dad after he attacked me (and she accepted). I had zero expectation she would do anything to try to keep me safe and it had never occurred to me to expect that. It hasn't until a decade later. I was raised as prey. Escaping was a departure from what I was raised to accept- maybe that's why I was so harshly punished.

I'm finding it hard talking about the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child in a vacuum. I really feel like I'm being encouraged to contrast my adult and child selves as a form of healing - but major trauma happened to me as an adult too. A lot of my conditioning about speaking about abuse comes from trying to do that and trying to look for support in my early twenties and getting badly rejected. Sometimes that experience interferes with the neat straight line therapists want to draw between an abused child and an empowered adult.

I have to deal with the fact that:
Adulthood is not a protection
Being a woman is not safer than being a child
I can never declare myself safe because he's always willing to hurt me as long as he's alive (and so are other men too)
Speaking to others about being abused by him will not connect me with support, but rather estrange me from it
Speaking about being victimized can make me vulnerable and there are tons of men willing to take advantage or that and women unwilling to help me

These are all things I learned from fighting him off, running away and seeking help from the people around me (when I was 21). They are not the things that I learned from being sexually abused as a child but very much affect how I deal now with the fact that I was.

Thinking about telling people, I have to battle my baggage from both of these experiences. Ok, I think that's important: sexual abuse against me as a child has to be considered as part of a wider pattern of abuse and ownership that has never stopped.

(I'm crying so much now about how hard I've worked to be allowed back into my family. At the prospect all my hard work can be undone so easily and so soon, and I'll be as alone as I ever was).

What messages did I get from the sexual abuse itself, at the time?

That I'm safer in a crowd of other children or out on the street than at home (he was less likely to call me in, but if he wanted to he absolutely could). I remember desperately calling out of his bedroom window 'I'm up here, I'm up here' and hoping the children I was calling to were going to knock for me to come and play.

That school and my mom were safe, but that neither necessarily valued me
That there was something terribly wrong with me and it's why he hated me so much
That he was hurting me because he wanted to kill me
Both my parents hated me, and only wanted my sister now (i thought this because abuse intensified when she was born)
That my mom didn't love me any more
(ugh this one makes me cry)

 

[sidptitala]

I didn't talk about any of that. It turns out I have 4 weeks left (I was dreading this, and expecting it).

She said she didn't want to panic me by saying that, but that it was a reminder to think about what I would regret not speaking about before the end. We ended up talking about my girlfriend and how nervous I am about telling her (I think, because I was panicked).

It dawned on me that I don't have any form of support in my personal life. I mean, I knew that - but having a fragment of it has opened up this enormous craving for that to continue. I'm really scared of falling over a cliff without therapy like I did this time last year when it ended. I haven't really got further than this time last year in terms of healing from abuse (in terms of daily functioning I have - this time last year I was comatose and this year I'm working full time).

I'm really scared. Working is the only thing I have going for me. I'm scared I'm only just about managing because I'm seeing a therapist and when that stops I'll totally stop functioning. I need to be working so that I can avoid being homeless (I also can't afford to see a therapist while I'm looking for new housing).

One thing I haven't said is the details of the abuse itself. And those details really eat at me.
One thing I haven't done is make efforts to look for support or identifying what I actually want

I really will have to think about where am I going to get support from?

I have not been able to self reliance or independence my way out of this. And I have really, really, tried

 

[Midnightmoon]

have not been able to self reliance or independence my way out of this. And I have really, really, tried

I don't think anyone could, it's a very heavy load and you've not got the luxury of support of family and friends like some people have. You are fighting against the tide

Does this current therapist have any suggestions in terms of any local low cost/ funded options, if anything like that exists there even if you need a referral? Here it does exist but I know that isn't the same everywhere, and if definitely takes a lot of jumping through hoops to get into said services.

 

[sidptitala]

I think maybe I'm gearing up to telling my girlfriend. Or at least recognising that I really need to. Understanding that I may lose her. But that managing interacting with her and hiding all of this is taking energy that I really need to survive.

But I'm conflicted about what to say. I need to speak about my life more - have places to do that. I really crave permission to tell the truth about my life. I realised a while ago that no one is going to give me permission to talk about my life. At some point I have to get so frustrated that I just claim it.

One issue that really complicates this is I stopped doing anything but working - so the avenues for talking have shrunk. Feel like maybe that is a sort of self sabotage but it's also me just avoiding all those terrible feelings I know are there the second I stop.

I don't want to lose the part of myself that is able to get up and go to work. Yesterday I had a conversation with my housemates about my work and they were saying it was concerning that we didn't have any form of supervision or peer support. That we don't have a culture where we say 'that client affected me' (we really don't). But I think for me it would be a double edged sword. I would really have to work hard to obscure how extreme my feelings are and I'm pretty grateful that I don't have to do that, because I'm not expected to share them. At least there is no one checking whether I'm fit for work because I would probably not pass that test.

Right now it's enough that I'm getting paid a living wage to do what I would have done anyway
It's enough that I'm slowly learning not to expect that when someone is in a terrible situation an army will massacre them

It would make sense to write a letter to my girlfriend but all the things I have to say exhaust me. She has been deeply scarred by life too. Right now she is lovely and she is gentle. I don't know if she has the capacity to support healing in me when she is not doing that.

Ok, so I need to tell her. Should I tell my housemate that I'm going to tell my girflriend? I told my housemate once, this time last year (over text). I haven't said anything to her about it since last summer (when I felt like what I was saying was simply too much for her).

 

[sidptitala]

You are fighting against the tide

Thank you so much for seeing this. It does feel like that.

Does this current therapist have any suggestions in terms of any local low cost/ funded options,

I should maybe ask her.

She told me it was possible to apply for an extension of about 6 weeks. It would have to be for a reason that makes sense- like 'she's going to say x and y so will need more time.' etc

I have to decide what's most important to say I suppose. Which is hard tp ick because my life is a flaming hot mess in every area.

There is so much about the abuse itself that confuses me still. There are events that happened when I was older that just seem really bizarre. One thing is probably to say more of what he actually did. Have another input into why he did that or what happened.

Another is to look for support- ask her help figuring that out. Other organisations, a support group, something like that.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

there is a lot of difficult stuf you are thinking about

If we have to categorise people then he's in both categories I suppose.

I think this is most often the case.

There is so much about the abuse itself that confuses me still. There are events that happened when I was older that just seem really bizarre. One thing is probably to say more of what he actually did. Have another input into why he did that or what happened.

it’s awful having to figure out whys, we don’t have to but it feels important especially when it’s so painful and personal. I think it’s a good idea to share the load a bit, get some perspectives. Just nice to be seen even if just in how strange it is. Try not to hinge too much on working out the motives of it all because it can be a trap forever but not just keeping it in your own head is good.

this is excruciatingly difficult stuff

 

[sidptitala]

Thanks @Dark.Green.Feathers your post has helped me think a lot.

not just keeping it in your own head is good.

I can see this - being allowed to say what happened, to someone - I think that's what feels the most important.

this is excruciatingly difficult stuff

ugh thank you for recognising this. It does feel really really hard.