a new memory (maybe)

[sidptitala]

I got in trouble in work yesterday for often being late.

Then a client was very angry with me for things that are not even remotely my fault.

I slept all day today because I didn't sleep last night. (I do feel better for having slept, though)

Life is so so so so hard these days. I can't really believe I'm working. And I'm really worried about my ability to keep doing that. I understand why therapists I've had have been so unsure whether that's a good idea.

The sooner I get new housing I can consider if I can afford to see a therapist for the medium/long term. That's kind of been the consensus about what I need from shorter term ones I've seen- I just haven't been able to afford it.

 

[sidptitala]

Been trying to avoid thinking about my dad so much.

And what he wants from me. Which is the unconditional love a little boy might want from his parents.

I read something on here about other abusive fathers being enchanted by the infant version of their children. I get that from him so much.

What he wants from me now is hugs and kisses, indulgences and special attention.

 

[sidptitala]

Therapist today. I'm freaking out a bit because the reporting issue came up again. I said I'd managed to not say who he is to me, and she hesitated and said, hmm... So I asked her had I not managed to obscure that, and she said not really :( :(

It's really hard because she inherited notes from the man I was afraid of and for a few weeks with her I had no idea that I couldn't mention who he was to me. So I said all kinds of things about how being around him triggers me, how my family want me to interact with him etc.

And I guess I've said the same things about how 'someone' is the same as that. I have not directly said that he sexually abused me (I don't think). So at least there is that. The option is still open to me that I could flat out deny that I meant he sexually abused me, I suppose. Say all I meant was physical violence (which is not reportable as a crime). I'm not sure if I've already said too much. I genuinely don't think that I've said 'my dad sexually abused me'. But I have given her grounds to suspect that possibly, so it rests on how she interprets 'reasonable suspicion'.

Or how much she cares about my safety and welfare, frankly. I narrowly managed not to drown myself, because my dad happened to not be there when the police questioned me. And because I couldn't get out of bed for like 2 months. This time, I will have to go to work and can't avoid as much the fact that all this is happening. It will be much harder not to drown myself, also because I know what will happen. That I will not be contacted and respected, like I genuinely thought would happen.

Anything I can do to convince her not to report her suspicions I will have to do. Because I don't want to die. I want to survive. But I will not let him kill me - over my dead body will he get the satisfaction of killing me. I will kill myself rather than wait for him to kill me.

I just really don't want to have to do that.

I'm desperate to become worthy of protection, at last. At long last. I have lived the long years from 3 to 33 without any form of that, and I've hungered for it every single day. It's not in reach. It never will be.

I've been in this counselling service almost a year. We haven't got close to talking about what happened to me and how it affected me. We're still talking, all the time, about those imaginary children who don't exist, that it's somehow my responsibility to prevent from being abused. Children that don't exist matter so much more than I ever could. What if it's someone of value next time? What if it's not just you?

Why can't anyone keep my secrets? Why am I not allowed say I was abused? Am I worth so much less than those children who don't exist? If everyone thinks I am not worth anything, how the hell can I ever feel like I am?

 

[sidptitala]

Trying to think through some potential options. Can I say it's a stepfather and give a fake name? Can I say I was confused and nothing sexual happened to me?

Am I just hurting myself to keep going there? What hurts me most is I can almost taste how much I would be helped if only I was allowed speak. I thought I could speak the way I have and it would protect me but it hasn't.

I remember when she and I thought I was free to say it was my dad. I said I was avoiding him because he reminded me of what I see in flashbacks and she said I no longer would once we had worked through that and talked about it. That really seemed possible to both of us back then. i felt so much hope that I could be helped. That I could tell her and telling would help and not hurt me. I could almost taste that safety and freedom. That's why it hurts so much now. I got a taste of what it would be like to be someone more safe and more free. Like borrowing someone else's life and sense of hope for a day.

My dad raped me my dad raped me my dad raped me my dad raped me my dad raped me my dad raped me. these forbidden words that will quicken my grave keeping them in my throat. my dad raped my dad raped me my dad raped and he will do it again if i don't end myself first.

These are such dangerous words. i keep typing then erasing, typing then erasing.

 

[sidptitala]

I'm not sure if I picked something up wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into her hesitation when I said I had obscured who he is. She probably has reasonable suspicion of who, and some people would find that concerning enough to report the suspected person even if I haven't directly said who.

The problem is that protecting my confidentiality is not even a consideration for the child protection agency. And why would it be- I am not a child.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I wish I had something better or at least helpful to say but I'm just overwhelmed by what you face in order to just access basic help in the first place. The odds seem stacked against you, its such an unfair system

She probably has reasonable suspicion of who, and some people would find that concerning enough to report the suspected person even if I haven't directly said who.

Do you know how direct you'd have to be for her to be able to then report, as in is it a convo you've had? It feels like you don't know her edges and that's making it even harder to work out what you can say and what you cant

 

[sidptitala]

Exhausted exhausted exhausted. I'm worried about myself.

Looking for help everywhere I can. Including in work. I'm cracking under the weight of unsupported supporting. I gave feedback at work that all our guidance relates to numbers and admin - but most of our work is talking to people in serious crisis. My boss said but there is no way I can evaluate all of you and know who is best about things which are not numbers. He asked me had I trained as a life coach or a counsellor. I realised he has no idea how heavy our job is and how few resources or tools we have to do it.

I told him I was exhausted. He said in previous years they had tried to organise training and supervision for people doing my job. But no one wanted it. I was very enthusiastic about the prospect of it. He also wanted me to change the culture of our workplace myself if I wanted it to change. As the only woman and one of the only 2 people under 50, I'm reluctant to fly the flag for that. Because I'm deeply invested in being seen as competent.

He asked for feedback from us in a meeting that was all about numbers. He was incredulous we didn't know the targets of everyone at all times. I came into it straight from a meeting with a client in my mind where he was telling me about getting shot as a child. In the absence of training and supervision I have nothing to draw on to inform my conversation with him other than my own experience seeing children get shot, and of being abused. Obviously I can't say that- but it is so much and so heavy. This is why I desperately feel the need for training and supervision - to be able to talk to someone else about these conversations. To have some or any guidance about it.

I also realised like a ton of bricks that people in other roles don't see how hard it is. They really do experience my clients as numbers - as bodies on seats or numbers in a spreadsheet.

I've talked to 2 out of the 5 of us that do my specific job about how overwhelming it is. My boss doesn't believe that it's not only me that feels that way. His expectations for us are too high and are not realistic. He's expecting us to work as life coaches but we are not life coaches. He asked me what model or mentorship or goal setting I was using and I said none because I don't know anything about that. I said I am relying on google for every single client.

Do I need to stop doing almost anything that isn't admin? It's only admin that is ever noticed. Refuse to work as a mentor or life coach when I don't have the training to be one.

 

[sidptitala]

So, that's work ...

Life is so heavy too. I spoke about the actual abuse that happened at therapy this week. For the first time with her. She said I was far too young to be able to articulate what happened at the time. The look on my creepy colleagues face when he realised he had me trapped and scared - is the same look on my dad's face when he saw me become terrified in the changing room. Is that why it triggered me so much when my colleague looked at me that way? Is that why I specifically remembered that event and not others?

Other memories that colleague triggered were trying to run from my dad because the bedroom door was closed. And when he came in while I was in the shower to brush my hair, and I was frozen still.

I think that's all? No - actually. Waiting for the others to come back, and longing for that, made me feel like I was waiting for my mom to come home from hospital when my sister was being born.

At these times I was:
4- the waiting on my mom and changing room
6? - the running out of the room
9 or 10- brushing my hair in the shower

 

[sidptitala]

I wish I had something better or at least helpful to say but I'm just overwhelmed by what you face in order to just access basic help in the first place. The odds seem stacked against you, its such an unfair system

Do you know how direct you'd have to be for her to be able to then report, as in is it a convo you've had? It feels like you don't know her edges and that's making it even harder to work out what you can say and what you cant

Thank you for this message! I asked her about it last week. I was shaking so so much.

She said I was not the only one who was so adversely affected by this, or who it was causing so much distress to. And that she was going to take it up with managers because it purely exists as a box ticking exercise - but is causing serious consequences for clients.

I really think I will once my time is up - try to participate in any effort to change that policy.

 

[sidptitala]

I had a conversation with my mom that was major. I feel kind of numb about it, and kind of angry and hopeless.

She tried to convince me to go on a trip with my dad. And she tried to give me money from him as well. I said no and I didn't accept the money. But rather than feel ashamed and guilty about saying no and being silent (like all the times before) I said she knew I didn't like being put in this position. I can't actually remember clearly how we got into it but I told her she could learn to be supportive but that she has not been.

She doesn't remember that we had this conversation this time last year. She didn't remember agreeing that she would stop pushing contact on me.

I asked her why she didn't protect me. And she protested forcefully that she did (but she didn't. if she did we would not be having this conversation a decade later).

I asked her had he ever hit her. And I knew from her reaction. She hesitated for a long, long time. Before saying yes. Swearing it was only once. That they didn't talk for a year afterwards. She wondered if I remembered that and that's why I was scared of him. I asked if I was there. She said she didn't know where I was. I said I didn't remember that but I remembered her hiding in the closet (when I went to the neighbours for help) and she swore blind nothing like that had happened, that she never hid from him. The time she says he hit her in the face was a few months after this because when she hid she was very pregnant, and he hit her when my sister was very small.

She said they didn't talk for a year after this. That she thought about leaving him. And told him she might. I asked if he apologised. She said yes (I wonder if that's true).

From this I learned - they were not on speaking terms when he began abusing me. They were obviously not having sex and he didn't have power over her the way he wanted to and wished he did. Was I a form of compensation- as has always been my instinct since when I was older he talked so much about my husband and called me by her name as he hit me? For him I was compensation. He found a way to make himself the king he wanted to be.

For her was I a sacrifice? If it was me, it didn't have to be her.

She asked me why I asked her. And I said I wanted to know if she had accepted things on my behalf that she would never have accepted for herself.

 

[sidptitala]

I lost my paper diary from before January- where I was very candid about flashbacks and doubts and worries and the people in my life. I can't remember when the last time I saw it was, but not recently at all. I haven't looked at it in a long time but I wanted to- and now I've searched everywhere but it's not here.

I'm scared someone has it. That I left it somewhere (why would I bring an old diary anywhere?). Scared I left it in my parents, girlfriend's or at work, or that I left it out and my housemates have read it.

It contains and awful lot of detail I really want to read back on. And tons that I am so so so so scared at the prospect of anyone reading.

I'm still turning my room apart in the hope it will turn up here, somewhere. But I do think I have looked everywhere.

 

[sidptitala]

I'm so conflicted and have a lot of strong feelings about my mom. An incredible depth of anger.

Trying to avoid thinking about my lost diary and just focus on getting it back, even if that means facing someone having read it. The fact that I haven't been doing much these past few months could be really helpful. There might be a lost and found for public transport. It doesn't have any monetary value so the chance it has been handed in if found is probably higher. I'm still holding out hope it will turn up somewhere.

If someone has read it- I mean, it's a testament to a time of great suffering. I have to look at it that way.