Gloria
Diamond Member
I never seriously attempted suicide before. I had had the flu for three weeks and my couldn't eat and that may have affected my brain. The trigger was that my ex had called the police on me three years ago when I went to his house to ask for the money he owed me. He told the police that I was crazy and that I had gun (that doesn't justify three police officers beating the crap out of me). So I was a mess after that. For the past 9 months, I had been trying to build trust and have forgiveness for my ex because I am going to court in a few months and if he was hostile that was just too much for me to bear.
It's taken me three years and the help of the forum to get my life back together and I was doing really great until I let my ex into my life again. I had been been sick with the flu for three weeks, lost ten pounds and I had been running a high temp and was very sick to my stomach. That alon made me not care if I lived or died. Well, then all of a sudden, my ex started to threaten suicide. I was too sick to do anything and it really stressed me out. I send him a poen that was uplifting and full of hope but I didn't get involved with getting him into the hospital. I just couldn't.. I was too weak. Long story short. My ex suddenlty decided that I was the reason for his 11 year deep depression (only knew him for 5 years). He used my poem to put an ad on a dating internet site using all the information that I gave him. I saw it and was very hurt. Not because he was looking for a woman and saying all these terrible things about me but because he had been asking me to help me with his depression and I felt he totally betrayed me. All my trust was gone. Then he started sending me links to sites about people with borderline personality and just hateful, hateful things. He called me weak. He said I was too chicken to kill myself.
I decided that I couldn't go through with the lawsuit. I could not take any more abuse. The police lost the surveillance tapes. The lawyers were verbally abusive calling my Jewish lawyer a kike and calling me f**king crazy bitch liar. My lawyer had never seen such terrible behavior in all his 35 years of practice and I just felt like I just couldn't do it. I wanted to take them to court. I wanted to make sure that they were punished and would never do the same thing to someone else. My sons had to put up with me sleeping for weeks, nightmares, not eating, not wanting to leave the house for three years. My lawyer had a file that was two boxes of all the documents. He had put so much work into the case. I felt that the only way to make it up to my sons was to kill myself so they would get the life insurance money. Then they wouldn't have to put up with this any more. I could not go to court. I thought about suicide or going to court and I chose suicide. Well, I never thought I would have the guts but I did. I drank a lot of alcohol and swallowed at least 30 pills - sleeping pills, whatever. I knew when I was doing it that it would be the last thing that I would remember and then I would be gone and I wasn't afraid. I wanted to die.
Bad news (or good news), is that I woke up the next morning. I couldn't move. My body was so drugged. I thought I really screwed up. Not only wasn't I dead but now I was going to a cripple and more of a burden to my family. I was so upset. But after sevral hours, I was able to move my arms and legs. Three days of drinking water and resting and I was able to walk.
I didn't tell anybody what I did. I wanted to but was afraid that I would be put in the hospital. So finally when I was walking pretty steady (because I really, really poisoned my body), I called my therapist. I told her what I did. She asked me if I try again. I told her no because obviously a screwed up suicide would be worse than a suicide. I was scared. I never thouight I would have the guts to do it. I never thought I could do it. Yet, the compultion to end took over.
Well, we had another session with my sons a few days later (and I have a no harm pact with my therapist and I don't fee depressed at all anymore.) My sons came in and told me that if I died, it was not going to solve the problems. I want my son to get married and be happy and my sons said that they didn't think that they would ever get over it and would probably never marry if I killed myself. The money doesn't mean a thing. They don't want money. They want me to get better.
I was doing so well this summer. I went to the health club every day, full of energy, very active with my friends. Then around the first of the year, there was an incident on the forum that upset and it triggered this depression. I was so verbally abused as a child that when someone tells me terrible things about myself, it triggers me. I get really suicidal. I know that is what triggered my youngest brother's suicide. Somebody just ripped him apart verbally and he just couldn't take it and shot himself in the head. Words have power. Words can kill. Words can permanentaly damage you.
But anyway, I am so much closer to my sons now. I stopped going to the gym because it cost too much money for gas. I worry about money so I stay home and save money. Well, I promised my sons I would go to the gym every other day. The dopamine or endorphins I get from working out really get rid of my depression. Even if I have to sell prized possessions in order to have gas money, I have to go to the gym. I am also going to the therapist twice a week and she's not charging me. I am going to court. My sons, my therapist, my friends all promised to come with me. No matter how they cut me down. I can't just walk away and let the SOB's get away with beating me up for no reason. They are going try to portray me as a mentally ill person imagining things. But I have the pictures from the ER and they show the huge bruises. I was never in a lawsuit and especially nothing like this. I have to admit Chicago is known for corrupt police. So many people warn that the police will kill me if I don't back down. I am not afraid of them killing me. I am afraid of what my ex will do in court. He's the psycho.
I just wanted to share this. I never thought I would try to commit suicide. I never did. My brother and sister both committed suicide and I knew how it devastated me. I thought I would never do it. But because of my stress level, I did. My doctor told me that my white blood cell count was 25,000 which is really, really high. She said my temperature and the infection in my brochial tubes wasn't that bad. She told me that stress can elevate white blood cell counts. I was stressed the max. I was not thinking right.
Today, I went to the gym, went to Farm and Fleet and got chicken feed. I am cooking. I am worming my horses. I am doing my son's taxes. I am just fine. I feel like my whole life has changed. I feel like a different person. I suddenly realized that life isn't a game. Life isn't fun. Life isn't fair. There are very seriouisly cruel and sick people out there and if I let them get to me, I will die. I am kind of angry that mean people don't die. But it doesn't work like that.
All I know is that my body doesn't even look the same. I am so thin so this my chance to get into really good shape. I love to work out. I feel so grateful that I am alive and that I do mean a lot to my sons and that I am not a burden.
I know I must not be the only one with C-PTSD that feel like I am such a burden to the people around me. I am also going to my doctor and upon the recommendation of my psychologist, I am going to look into a sleep study. When I tried to commit suicide, I was half asleep and according to my sons I sleep walk. I know I do. I went out to the barn in July in the middle of the night. I don't think I was awak and fell down and broke my back. My sons say they see me get up in the middle of the night all the time to eat and I eat things I don't like. I think I will try putting an alarm on my bedroom door so if I sleep walk, it will wake me up. I was so sick that I don't remember if I was awake or not.
What an experience but it has changed me.
It's taken me three years and the help of the forum to get my life back together and I was doing really great until I let my ex into my life again. I had been been sick with the flu for three weeks, lost ten pounds and I had been running a high temp and was very sick to my stomach. That alon made me not care if I lived or died. Well, then all of a sudden, my ex started to threaten suicide. I was too sick to do anything and it really stressed me out. I send him a poen that was uplifting and full of hope but I didn't get involved with getting him into the hospital. I just couldn't.. I was too weak. Long story short. My ex suddenlty decided that I was the reason for his 11 year deep depression (only knew him for 5 years). He used my poem to put an ad on a dating internet site using all the information that I gave him. I saw it and was very hurt. Not because he was looking for a woman and saying all these terrible things about me but because he had been asking me to help me with his depression and I felt he totally betrayed me. All my trust was gone. Then he started sending me links to sites about people with borderline personality and just hateful, hateful things. He called me weak. He said I was too chicken to kill myself.
I decided that I couldn't go through with the lawsuit. I could not take any more abuse. The police lost the surveillance tapes. The lawyers were verbally abusive calling my Jewish lawyer a kike and calling me f**king crazy bitch liar. My lawyer had never seen such terrible behavior in all his 35 years of practice and I just felt like I just couldn't do it. I wanted to take them to court. I wanted to make sure that they were punished and would never do the same thing to someone else. My sons had to put up with me sleeping for weeks, nightmares, not eating, not wanting to leave the house for three years. My lawyer had a file that was two boxes of all the documents. He had put so much work into the case. I felt that the only way to make it up to my sons was to kill myself so they would get the life insurance money. Then they wouldn't have to put up with this any more. I could not go to court. I thought about suicide or going to court and I chose suicide. Well, I never thought I would have the guts but I did. I drank a lot of alcohol and swallowed at least 30 pills - sleeping pills, whatever. I knew when I was doing it that it would be the last thing that I would remember and then I would be gone and I wasn't afraid. I wanted to die.
Bad news (or good news), is that I woke up the next morning. I couldn't move. My body was so drugged. I thought I really screwed up. Not only wasn't I dead but now I was going to a cripple and more of a burden to my family. I was so upset. But after sevral hours, I was able to move my arms and legs. Three days of drinking water and resting and I was able to walk.
I didn't tell anybody what I did. I wanted to but was afraid that I would be put in the hospital. So finally when I was walking pretty steady (because I really, really poisoned my body), I called my therapist. I told her what I did. She asked me if I try again. I told her no because obviously a screwed up suicide would be worse than a suicide. I was scared. I never thouight I would have the guts to do it. I never thought I could do it. Yet, the compultion to end took over.
Well, we had another session with my sons a few days later (and I have a no harm pact with my therapist and I don't fee depressed at all anymore.) My sons came in and told me that if I died, it was not going to solve the problems. I want my son to get married and be happy and my sons said that they didn't think that they would ever get over it and would probably never marry if I killed myself. The money doesn't mean a thing. They don't want money. They want me to get better.
I was doing so well this summer. I went to the health club every day, full of energy, very active with my friends. Then around the first of the year, there was an incident on the forum that upset and it triggered this depression. I was so verbally abused as a child that when someone tells me terrible things about myself, it triggers me. I get really suicidal. I know that is what triggered my youngest brother's suicide. Somebody just ripped him apart verbally and he just couldn't take it and shot himself in the head. Words have power. Words can kill. Words can permanentaly damage you.
But anyway, I am so much closer to my sons now. I stopped going to the gym because it cost too much money for gas. I worry about money so I stay home and save money. Well, I promised my sons I would go to the gym every other day. The dopamine or endorphins I get from working out really get rid of my depression. Even if I have to sell prized possessions in order to have gas money, I have to go to the gym. I am also going to the therapist twice a week and she's not charging me. I am going to court. My sons, my therapist, my friends all promised to come with me. No matter how they cut me down. I can't just walk away and let the SOB's get away with beating me up for no reason. They are going try to portray me as a mentally ill person imagining things. But I have the pictures from the ER and they show the huge bruises. I was never in a lawsuit and especially nothing like this. I have to admit Chicago is known for corrupt police. So many people warn that the police will kill me if I don't back down. I am not afraid of them killing me. I am afraid of what my ex will do in court. He's the psycho.
I just wanted to share this. I never thought I would try to commit suicide. I never did. My brother and sister both committed suicide and I knew how it devastated me. I thought I would never do it. But because of my stress level, I did. My doctor told me that my white blood cell count was 25,000 which is really, really high. She said my temperature and the infection in my brochial tubes wasn't that bad. She told me that stress can elevate white blood cell counts. I was stressed the max. I was not thinking right.
Today, I went to the gym, went to Farm and Fleet and got chicken feed. I am cooking. I am worming my horses. I am doing my son's taxes. I am just fine. I feel like my whole life has changed. I feel like a different person. I suddenly realized that life isn't a game. Life isn't fun. Life isn't fair. There are very seriouisly cruel and sick people out there and if I let them get to me, I will die. I am kind of angry that mean people don't die. But it doesn't work like that.
All I know is that my body doesn't even look the same. I am so thin so this my chance to get into really good shape. I love to work out. I feel so grateful that I am alive and that I do mean a lot to my sons and that I am not a burden.
I know I must not be the only one with C-PTSD that feel like I am such a burden to the people around me. I am also going to my doctor and upon the recommendation of my psychologist, I am going to look into a sleep study. When I tried to commit suicide, I was half asleep and according to my sons I sleep walk. I know I do. I went out to the barn in July in the middle of the night. I don't think I was awak and fell down and broke my back. My sons say they see me get up in the middle of the night all the time to eat and I eat things I don't like. I think I will try putting an alarm on my bedroom door so if I sleep walk, it will wake me up. I was so sick that I don't remember if I was awake or not.
What an experience but it has changed me.
