Religious Anxiety

[captain jigglypuff]

I’ve had bad luck when it comes to religion itself. Every time I attend a church for weekly services, something traumatic or unpleasant and uncomfortable happens to me. The first church was a Lutheran one and a group of boys kept bullying and tormenting me every week in Sunday school. It got to the point I was terrified of Sundays and every Sunday morning, I would literally get on my knees begging God to not punish me for being good by sending me to church.

Then as a teenager, I went to this fundamentalist non-denomination church that told me that being gay was wrong and I now realize that they were using covert conversion therapy on me that obviously wasn’t going to work by disguising it as therapy sessions for my mental health and having all the kids surrounding me and “praying” for my soul or something like that. The youth pastor acted like he could tell who was gay and who wasn’t and kept insisting the friend that I would occasionally bring with me that he was also gay. He wasn’t and he’s now married and has a daughter. There was also the incident where I was clearly falsely accused of stealing from these three boys and the youth pastor believed them and when I proved that I did nothing wrong, they weren’t forced to apologize to me or even punished. I quit going to that church after that incident.

The final time I tried to open myself to religion was when I met my former best friend and when he broke his promise to me, I just gave up on religion. I have trauma revolving around the idea of religion itself. I want to believe in God but I can’t because I don’t understand what kind of all knowing and all loving God would allow me to suffer constantly while the people that hurt me for years go unpunished. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

 

[Lightness]

I’ve had bad luck when it comes to religion itself. Every time I attend a church for weekly services, something traumatic or unpleasant and uncomfortable happens to me. The first church was a Lutheran one and a group of boys kept bullying and tormenting me every week in Sunday school. It got to the point I was terrified of Sundays and every Sunday morning, I would literally get on my knees begging God to not punish me for being good by sending me to church.

Then as a teenager, I went to this fundamentalist non-denomination church that told me that being gay was wrong and I now realize that they were using covert conversion therapy on me that obviously wasn’t going to work by disguising it as therapy sessions for my mental health and having all the kids surrounding me and “praying” for my soul or something like that. The youth pastor acted like he could tell who was gay and who wasn’t and kept insisting the friend that I would occasionally bring with me that he was also gay. He wasn’t and he’s now married and has a daughter. There was also the incident where I was clearly falsely accused of stealing from these three boys and the youth pastor believed them and when I proved that I did nothing wrong, they weren’t forced to apologize to me or even punished. I quit going to that church after that incident.

The final time I tried to open myself to religion was when I met my former best friend and when he broke his promise to me, I just gave up on religion. I have trauma revolving around the idea of religion itself. I want to believe in God but I can’t because I don’t understand what kind of all knowing and all loving God would allow me to suffer constantly while the people that hurt me for years go unpunished. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Am so sorry you had to go throught that, you are heard and seen. I've had simailr situation with religion but on different matters and I still to this day not sure if I am subscribing to it or not but you don't have to force yourself to be religious or go to places that trigger you please value your inner peace

 

[Survivor3]

@captain jigglypuff, have you ever studied any Buddhism? The meditation/ teaching is really beneficial, and you get to meet and befriend good people.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

@captain jigglypuff, have you ever studied any Buddhism? The meditation/ teaching is really beneficial, and you get to meet and befriend good people.

My parents and grandparents are Buddhists. I know some of the teachings but don’t really follow them. My dad has always been open minded when it comes to religion and let my sister and me explore different options on our own terms without telling us we had to believe in whatever he believed in. I have no problems with the idea of Christianity itself but rather how it can be presented to me and even trying to force me to change just because I don’t fit their standards or who they say I should be.

 

[arfie]

i was raised in what i call, "the schism of the isms." the cliffs surrounding my proverbial schism are comprised of everything from paganism to atheism to christianism to whateverism. during my childhood at the bottom of that schism, the rock showers falling from those towering monoliths often felt like pure chaos as the warring isms at the top threw stones at one another.

i learned faith and trust from the more neutral sources of psychotherapy. healing cannot happen without faith and trust.

 

[VioletButterfly]

For me, as a Christian, I had to learn for myself that there is a difference between religion/church and my faith. My faith is the relationship I have with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. If I want to practice my faith or be in communion with a church family, then I can go looking for a church "again." I understand that religion and churches are man-made and man-directed. This means that I will come into contact with a variety of people and personalities - some awesomely inspiring and helpful, kind, etc...; some, however, might be/operate on the other end of that spectrum. Life can be risky, so there's a cost/benefit that needs to be considered along with my objectives in taking an action such as this.

If your concern in deepening your understanding and relationship with the Lord, then you can start simply by praying about what is on your heart, reading/listening to a devotional each day, or reading/listening to the Word, or by watching/listening to programming to see if any of the messages resonate with you. It's a journey with many paths of discovery and love beyond all understanding.

If your desire is to be in communion with others, then maybe do some research on different churches and visit them to see if their "vibe" resonates with you. Just be mindful that you are dealing with human beings and set your expectations accordingly. Be mindful, but not afraid. You are a child of God. Trust your instincts and remember "whose" you are when interacting with others and let that knowledge direct you.

I hope you find what you are looking for. Peace be with you and blessings upon you. VB

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I once commented on a Facebook page for mental health and trauma’s question if religious trauma should be allowed and I said that I thought it was necessary because it’s something I rarely talk about to anyone this type of trauma since it didn’t involve sexual abuse or the Catholic Church and this one lady got really nasty towards me and accused me of lying and said that I should join a Christian forum to deal with it and I told her politely how uncomfortable I felt with it as I don’t know if anyone on that type of forum would become homophobic towards me and harass me which is a very valid concern and this is where she went berserk on me and said that I was “using the f-ing gay card as an excuse for not wanting to be Christian “ and that no kids would ever do what they did to me in Sunday school. After that, I didn’t talk about my religious trauma to anyone for another four years. My trauma is very real and just because I wasn’t sexually assaulted by a priest or other religious leader or figure does not mean it didn’t happen or isn’t real. I had sharp pencils aimed directly at my head and thrown at me and I had to duck underneath the table or desk just to protect myself from serious harm. People don’t realize how terrifying that is to have that happen to you every week as a kid inside a church.

The conversion therapy disguised as being just people praying for me was even worse because I was constantly to,d that “the devil has a hold on you and making you think that you are gay.” I let them pray for my soul to be set free but never felt a change and nothing changed within me and this made my abuser very angry because I wasn’t changing like she was told would happen. Only years later did I discover that this was definitely conversion therapy only without the sending me away to a program where I was forced to stay until I became “better.” It was so awkward having a group of 30 kids surrounding me and holding their hands out trying to pray for me to become a “good kid” or something like that. The youth pastor never told them what exactly they were actually trying to pray out of me and during the youth services, he’d do this to me and tell everyone to surround me and pray for me. This guy was extremely homophobic but he didn’t use the hateful words that you’d think someone like that would use but rather expressed it in a way that sounded like it was religious and morally right. He even made me feel like my grandma who was Buddhist and a very sweet lady that literally everyone loved and never hurt anyone was bad just because she wasn’t a Christian. That messed me up for several years because one thing she liked me doing with her is bowing and showing respect to her Buddha statue when she prayed because it brought her comfort knowing that I was okay and would be and never about trying to convert me to the “dark side.” All she was trying to do is have me do something meaningful to her and giving her a peace of mind that I would be safe.