Unbecoming The Victim

[Philippa]

Maybe I have trouble viewing myself as a victim, because deep down, in some twisted way, I felt like I deserved it. Not at all logical, but there none the less.

Yeah, I think that's possible, and understandable. It's also something that our culture doesn't encourage. Even the word 'victim' is frowned upon, and judged harshly. I know I used to frown upon victims, and couldn't stand anyone who acted like one...but that is before I really took the time to understand and think about people having had terrible things done to them. Before, when I was younger, and more ignorant, I saw real people like that as merely statistics, but you have all had real bad things done to you...that really happened. Maybe not seeing yourself that way is a way for you to cope and feel strong?

I'm not judging you btw...I only recently started thinking this way myself. Before that I would call myself a survivor and think I was empowered by that term. I dont doubt that it isn't an empowering word to call oneself, I just question whether it might also be of some healing benefit to also admit to being a victim without any shame that the word brings with it?

I think it is recognized in most psychological circles that it is normal for any survivor to feel like they deserved the abuse...especially if it was imposed on them as a child. It IS logical from the childs point of view. "Why would my parents be doing this to me if I didn't deserve it?" It's hard to fathom there being any other reason for their behavior?

 

[Heather]

Getting out of my mother's house was one of the best things that ever happened to me and my daughter. I didn't realize when we were living there just how abusive she is.

I was so controlled by her. I had to do everything she said. I remember I wanted Nicole's hair to grow longer but my mother said, "her looks so stringy why don't you go and get her cut. It looks awful". A few days later I found myself at the hairdresser getting her hair cut.

I felt so beaten down by her. The constant criticism, being told I'd never be able to "make it on my own" etc. etc. After awhile I just gave up believing that I could do anything. When you're abused that badly by another person it's hard to have any dignity or self-esteem left.

Now, 3 years later and I'm out of that hell hole and away from all that "radiation":p:p:p:D. Nicole's hair is halfway down her back:D. I'm in my own place and I CALL THE SHOTS! I get to make the decisions. NOT HER! I'm finally learning that I DON'T have to listen to her. It's taken a long time but I am slowly standing on my own 2 feet. Making my own choices. Nicole and I are doing just fine WITHOUT my mother and that's a NICE place to be.

 

[Heather]

However, in every other aspect of my life victim behavior looms large:(.

 

[njray]

Working towards a goal of physical good health as for me that will also create a renewed possative mental health

 

[Xibalba]

A while ago I read a text about the pain-validation thing which said that we DON'T have to forgive them for all what they've done. There are things that just aren't to be forgiven, it just won't be right to do that. One can accept that they happened and understand why those persons did it, that they had personal problems, were ill or whatever.
But forgiveness is a different thing.

Not really. That *IS* forgiveness.

There is a difference between forgiveness and agreement. You forgive another by accepting what they did and releasing it, letting go. You needn't ever even TELL the other person. Forgiveness is done for yourself, not for them. And it does not require agreeing with or accepting what they did. It means saying, "this thing happened, this person did this. I acknowledge it, and I let it go." Letting go includes letting go of any lingering anger, resentment, vengeance, etc., too.

As such, everything can (and should) be forgiven.

As human beings living this life, however, forgiveness appears difficult.

 

[Cthulhu]

Of course CAN everything be forgiven but I doubt if it all SHOULD be. I talked about understanding, which is done by one's mind. Surely it CAN be one step towards forgiving, but it is not forgiveness itself. I think that has to be done by one's emotional core.

Maybe this differentiation just exists in me, because I am pretty split up into pieces on the inside.

For example- I forgave my parents some years ago as I understood they just weren't able to do any better- they did what they thought to be right- some of it definetely wasn't but well...

But other things which were done to me just for the fun of some sadistic persons... Well, I may understand why they were the way they were, what may have made them like that. But they did it intentionelly over a long period of time.
There are things for which forgiveness makes no sense and does no good for me, so I don't.

It does in no way affect my daily life because I have no contact to those people, so it's OK for me.

Eyerbody has their own way of dealing with it.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah... I can relate to repeating cycles. I can say I've got some demonstrated improvement. 50 percent better. At first all I wanted was to stop reliving the traumas. Then all I wanted was some peace and calm. But now I aspire to more... I want to recalibrate/reintegrate my feelings so that I can again experience real love, happiness and joy. I'm no longer content with "okay". I want to break the cycle and not only survive, but thrive.

 

[Xibalba]

Of course CAN everything be forgiven but I doubt if it all SHOULD be. I talked about understanding, which is done by one's mind. Surely it CAN be one step towards forgiving, but it is not forgiveness itself. I think that has to be done by one's emotional core....[snip]....Maybe this differentiation just exists in me, because I am pretty split up into pieces on the inside.

Then if you DON'T forgive, you are just leaving something festering in, as you say, your "emotional core". You remain "pretty split up into piece on the inside." Is that something you want? What is to be gained by holding onto that negativity?

So surely you have to understand how forgiveness is (as I said) for YOU, not for the other person. It's to heal those pieces, not justify or condone the other person's actions.

Again, don't confuse forgiveness with condoning. You can forgive without condoning.

Holding around vengeance or anger is not healthy for anyone, most especially one's self.

 

[Ted Moen]

The process of forgiveness involves a shift of focus, as does the process of not thinking of yourself as a victum. The shift is learning to view things in terms of your current needs, as opposed to the emotional needs driven by the intense feelings of being unfairly traumatized. In the process of learning to forgive you learn to forgive the person, but that forgiving the person does not mean condoning the behavior, or suggest the appropriate/legal consequences of the behavior should be voided. In the process of learning self forgiveness you learn to forgive the person who did what they did to survive the hostile situation along with the things they did living out their ptsd symptoms, but that does not mean condoning the behavior in their current, non-hostile situation, and it does not mean that the behavior should not have appropriate consequences. Rather it means learning to understand your specific ptsd symptoms in order to be able to tell the difference between acting out your symptoms and acting on your current needs. Victums act out their symptoms. Non-victums act out the behavior that is appropriate in the context of getting their current needs met in their current, non-hostile situation.

One thing that helped me begin to shift my focus was learning to challenge myself every time I said "I can't do that." I would ask myself what I mean by I can't do that. Did I mean I physically can not go to a party with my wife and chat with people and go home? No, of course I can do that physically. Did I mean I don't want to listen to a bunch of stuff that is going to trigger intense feelings? So what is appropriate in my current situation. What would a non-traumatized person do. Go to the party with their spouse and act appropriately because that is the behavior that will get current needs met in the current situation. Will it be uncomfortable? Will it trigger thoughts and feelings? You bet! It will take a lot of self awareness (mindfullness) and self talk. Will it be worth it? You bet!! I will be participating appropriately in a core relationship, a number of secondary relationships, and an appropriate activity. As time goes on I will come to know I can do what I need to do to succeed in appropriate activities and relationships in my current situation!!!

Start now, the time will never feel right. But start very small, tiny step by tiny step.

Ted

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure why, but forgiveness by-and-large hasn't been my biggest stumbling block, though I think the reasons for giving it vary with the person and situation and are specific to each (not that I don't recall situations that were more difficult). And no one should feel badly if they can't; you will if and when you are ready, since it has to be genuine, anyway.
I guess I'm just thankful when everything with ptsd seems difficult that something (forgiveness, per se) - (or anything)- is usually easier, for me, being that most things feel more difficult. I guess, too, I figure the past is gone, no matter what repurcussions I live with.

I agree with Ted above, as for primary and secondary relationships. However, when it comes to what affects solely myself, I think my " 'can'ts" mean I can't increase my pain, willingly, any more. I've been able to 'have' as it were, or do, the relationships and activities (and then some) others have expected or have told me in the past they have envied; unfortunately however I don't think it altered much of what I felt inside, even at the time: how I felt (inside) was always with me no matter how or what appeared otherwise. Sometimes, with 'hope' I felt differently, but in the end I'm not sure if anything changed. Maybe in my behaviour towards others but not how I feel (internally).

 

[Heather]

. And it does not require agreeing with or accepting what they did. It means saying, "this thing happened, this person did this. I acknowledge it, and I let it go." Letting go includes letting go of any lingering anger, resentment, vengeance, etc., too.

As human beings living this life, however, forgiveness appears difficult.

I really, really, really like this. I just had a conversation with my therapist today about how angry I feel towards the people that have hurt me. They have suffered no consequences for their actions. We talked about what holding on to this anger means. What benefit does it serve me? None that I could come up with. Learning to let it go would take work but the other option is to suffer. We both agreed that I've suffered enough. He's seen me suffer tremendously over the last two years.....he's said it's time to change that.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find it easier to forgive those who hurt me than those who hurt those I love.