Unbecoming The Victim

[The Albatross]

I find it easier to forgive those who hurt me than those who hurt those I love.

Been there done that... It gave me a false sense of empowerment and vented my anger for a time... to think I was protecting from harm the people I love or cared about. But there came a time when I was called to account, and I found that what I was really doing was stunting the personal growth of others, and on introspection, I had no boundaries. I had to learn where I stopped and others began. Boundary setting has helped me some... correct use of anger more. And love them I do, I am far less inclined to get caught up in others growth and development, and more inclined to do the self care necessary for change and provide a truly empathic (sp?) ear.

Both our mothers were enabled (I call it "staying small" or childlike)... it is not serving either of them well and they are learning things painfully now, in their senior years, that would have been more beneficial as adults.

I expect that this same notion applies to me too. I'd rather learn it now, than be stuck small.

(hard to explain but basically I chose to pull back and allow others to deal with and figure out their own stuff... just like I'm trying to do with mine).

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope I too allow others to live their own life, but childlike I seem in some ways to be, so perhaps that's just me. :confused: (?)To be honest, I figure no one needs to know, and it's a welcome relief from ptsd or anything negative, I have no real explanation.

 

[The Albatross]

None necessary... I just know that I "used" it to power out my insecurities, thinking I was "helping" others. It was where I was at for a time, but it no longer serves. My family or myself. No worries Junebug... it's just part of my story, and I shared it because it hurt me in the long run.

 

[Philippa]

I appreciate your self-honesty Albatross. It's refreshing to interact with someone who has the guts to look at their own motivations for helping. I wish more people would do this, since sometimes their "helping" has the exact opposite affect and can even make things worse for the person in need.

It takes a lot of strength to be able to admit to that.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. Will it be uncomfortable? Will it trigger thoughts and feelings? You bet! It will take a lot of self awareness (mindfullness) and self talk. Will it be worth it? You bet!! I will be participating appropriately in a core relationship, a number of secondary relationships, and an appropriate activity. As time goes on I will come to know I can do what I need to do to succeed in appropriate activities and relationships in my current situation!!!

Start now, the time will never feel right. But start very small, tiny step by tiny step

Dear Ted, I should have said Thank You- you are right; actually I can enjoy (any) time I am distracted from the ptsd symptoms, and actually even have 'during them' (with them present as well), frequently. Staying present in the moment helps.
I think the anticipated fear can be greater than the reality, sometimes. At least for me. It is only looking back in frustration of no 'cure', that I feel (more) disheartened.

Dear Albatross, thank you too I think I understand. I just meant it hurts my heart more when people I love are hurting than were it myself.

 

[Sasha]

It's a form of self-respect to not forgive someone I think, but ultimately it's better for your own health that you do come to eventually, in your own time.

You don't have to forgive their actions, but forgiving the person for being human (unless they did something so inhuman that is?) is important so that YOU aren't filled with all that anger, which only hurts YOU more.

Excellent point Philippa. Not long ago I had a conversation with a friend who said told her daughter that in time she would be able to forgive her abuser. As a survivor, I advised her that wasn't the best thing to say because that puts emotional responsibility on her daughter. She needs to heal and take care of herself. By asking her or expecting her to forgive, it puts someone in a position of being 'a bad person' if they don't respond appropriately (as in extending forgiveness). I don't think someone who has been traumatized need to feel they owe their abuser anything. I think it's important not put anymore pressure on ourselves and guilt ourselves because society thinks we need to forgive. Perhaps it is better for us emotionally and/or spiritually to do so, I don't know. As the anger and pain resolves, we can go from there. But, while in the midse of pain, I don't think we need to put anymore pressure on ourselves. We've been through enough as it is.

 

[Philippa]

I agree. I have had the same thing said to me, and it does leave that sense of being bad if we don't forgive. Others like to minimize the effects of abuse...especially if it is parental abuse...since we all have heard the thing about "respecting your parents", as though we must forgive them for anything just because they raised us and gave us life. It is a pressure, and it doesn't help the person who is already going through so much.

I've been treated so shabbily by so many people who have told me this sort of thing and then gone on to tell me I have nothing to grieve about, with a look of disgust on their faces...as though they know what I went through, and it's nothing compared to someone elses pain. It only caused me more damage, and they had no idea they were even doing it!

People just don't think about these things enough.

 

[anthony]

No amount of religious belief is going to change your victim thinking cycle, because that type of belief, whilst valid, is not applicable to changing negative thinking patterns and thoughts. You must change them, thought by thought, one at a time. Its a progression of work, not a change from victim to survivor. I wouldn't even use victim to survivor, but more aptly, traumatized to assertive.