Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: The Choice To Remain Ill Or Not?

[mamachick]

My therapist asks what the payoff is for not getting better? She asks me to name any benefits. We had a discussion about victimization and I once worked with victims and perpetrators. I told her that i some ways I preferred working with perps. I have no statistics to quote so I wont but it seems that in working with domestic violence, abusers make changes more readily than victims. Why, they have more to benefit by making the change. Its hard for people in general to react negatively toward a victim, but easy to criticize the abuser.

I do not want to believe that I am doing this to myself and I could be all well if I wanted to, but I am going to list any possible payoffs similiar to those listed above. Could it be that Im testing someones love for me? Does it bring me attention? I am not suggesting these things for anyone else and Im not saying they exist in me. I am only saying that it is at least worth exploring.

I actually hope I discover some reason and I am keeping myself this way. If that is the case then I will discover how much power and control I have that I didnt know. Then I will be able to regain it easier than if I am just "stuck".
I am a firm believer that our world is limited to our beliefs. If I believe it is my choice I can change it-as in the serenity prayer.

I do think its fine if anyone on this site is still here 10 years from now or just observing. Maintainance is part of change. We will always have been diagnosed with ptsd and can never change our past no matter how well we get. Some of us with multiple traumas feel responsible for the later. My own experience has bee that when I have been to secure in my well being, I have brought about negative. Sometimes hearing other people (new in recovery) helps remind us of where we have been and if we are really well, this will not drag us down.

 

[becvan]

What a fun merry go round! Enough with the excuses. Really now. We all have a choice. The choice is: I can do whatever it takes to get better, or not. Choose. Each person is responsible for making that choice and for making excuses.

No where in this conversation have I read that trauma can only be healed by x,y,z. What I have read is that you can choose to give it one hunderd percent or not. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT TO GRASP?

I don't give a rats ass what trauma/s it is or how many you have or how long you have endured it for. You are either going to work your butt of to get better or you are not. I tried a private therapist, then this forum (which I'm still at,) books, meditation techniques, emergency rooms, medications, doctors, I moved to another area, psychatrists, trauma therapists etc... That is only a few of things I have tried. Each thing I tried 100%. It took me years and I still work hard at it but I'm greatly improved. I am not cured but I am better. You know why? Because I choose to give it 100% and stopped making excuses for not doing so.

If you don't try each thing 100% how can you say it doesn't work?

bec

 

[anthony]

Nice post Brat... nice post Bec... no doubt you two posted at near the same time. :whistling:

 

[becvan]

LOL looks like it. :)

 

[Iam]

My therapist asks what the payoff is for not getting better? She asks me to name any benefits.

This is a good question. It is better to focus on the positives and not the negatives.

My T just gave me homework which includes what are my values, what do I want more of, how would my life be different if I had more of "it". She also wants me to imagine a triggering situation and write down how I will handle it. Instead of resisting (e.g saying "I will not get angry") instead substitute with a positive (e.g. "I will remain calm").

I had just finished reading that when we make "resisting statements" to ourselves that it can actually cement that negative reaction.

I am a firm believer that our world is limited to our beliefs. If I believe it is my choice I can change it-as in the serenity prayer.

Our belief system is crucial to getting better. PTSD causes us to have dysfunctional belief systems and those must be changed if we are to get well or at least better able to manage our symptoms. This is especially hard to do with complex long duration trauma as those belief systems have been ingrained in many of us from a very early age. Changing those beliefs requires going back into the traumas to identify the dysfunctional beliefs we have about ourselves, others and the world as a whole.

For myself, I have found this to be very painful and extremely hard to do. It is taking far longer than either of my therapists or I expected. Is it because of choice that it is taking longer? I can't really say, I really don't know. I have chosen to do the hard work and am willing to go thru the pain of reprocessing the traumas. Intellectually I fully understand and agree, my core self has a harder time letting go of the old defenses.

I have learned and am implementing coping skills which include examining what caused the feelings and sorting out fact from fiction. I am able to do this much faster now when triggered, but it still does not come naturally. It takes a lot of work, thought and effort. It can be exhausting, but I am finding that I bounce back much quicker now.

So yes I have chosen, that doesn't change that it is a process. Each of us will move thru that process at our own rate because of severity and number of traumas as well as personality factors. Some will never have the courage or see the benefit of choosing the harder road of recovery. Maybe they just aren't strong enough or are too damaged to make the choice. I don't know. Whatever the reason, if they don't make the choice, they will remain stuck. It's sad, but true.

 

[anthony]

I had just finished reading that when we make "resisting statements" to ourselves that it can actually cement that negative reaction.

Exactly.... :tup: a behaviour that can be changed with repetition, by anyone.

 

[zeldazonk]

No where in this conversation have I read that trauma can only be healed by x,y,z. What I have read is that you can choose to give it one hunderd percent or not. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT TO GRASP?
bec

Oh boy do I know how you feel:)
I think I agree with you - you're not drawing a line in the sand and saying everyone has to live up to this mark - you're saying that we can give it 100% - our own 100% - all we can give at any given time.??
The whole choice theme is only a side street of this conversation as I'm sure you're aware if you've read the whole thing.
Best, Zel.

 

[zeldazonk]

This is a good question. It is better to focus on the positives and not the negatives.

Thanks for this post Iam.
I know you don't necessarily agree with me, but I just want to say your post is insightful, and inclusive.
Something I know for sure - and there ain't many - is that nothing in this life is black and white even though sometimes I wish it were.
Namaste, Zel.

 

[Nicolette]

While I acknowledge the choice to heal as being fundamental, I wonder if those who struggle more do so because their choice may have other repercussions which they may not want to choose, eg like the acknowledgment of what really happened which may result in the ending of a relationship etc. Or it could be fear, as in you want to heal and not suffer but you are scared what you might realize you have blocked out and don't know if you have the strength to face the unknown.

It's actually quite complex and can have varying repercussions to people. Some people (like my sister), don't like being alone so, based on what I know, I think she hasn't progressed as while she wants to heal to stop suffering she cannot imagine being without the support of family (some of whom are her abusers). It is that struggle that I see holding her back... the choice to not be alone over-rides the choice to heal for her.

 

[Brontie]

zeldazonk,

I can see where you are coming from. Sometimes it's not always a conscious choice, and when someone tries to point out to them what it looks like from where they are standing the other person takes offence. It's like, how can you know me better than I know myself. But we hide so much from ourselves - uncomfortable stuff.

And sometimes it takes someone else to point things out to us. I guess it is a bit of a judgement call but not necessarily judgmental. The reality of it all is that some of us are further along than others, and can sometimes recognise in others where we once were and so we try to help them out with some information. But if they are not ready to listen then we have to wait until they are.

I agree that other people can point out all sorts to us but if we don't see it ourselves then we are apt to not pay much attention. Then further along the road it comes up again and we realise that that person was right. Don't take offence but I like to remind others of this - The fool listens to no one, the wise man listens to everyone even the fool because we never know what we might learn or how useful it might be further along the road.

You're doing fine. You were uncomfortable with what was being said and you expressed your thoughts and feelings, nothing wrong with that. But if what was said held nothing for you, it wouldn't have caught your attention like it did. You have to ask yourself why it made you feel the way it did. Could there have been some truth in it?

Very best wishes for a speedy recovery.

 

[Brontie]

cactus_jack,

I haven’t read any of your other posts yet so I hope I’m not making things worse for you with this post.

I could say that everything in your life is your choice. Your whole life is based on your thoughts, words and actions. Life happens to us. How it effects us is our choice. I'm not saying it's easy but we can choose to put up with it or we can choose to work to relieve our suffering.

It wasn't your choice what happened to you - that was someone else's choice. But it is your choice how it effects your life. You may feel like you have lost control but you have simply, temporally, given over control to the one who made the choice to hurt you. Taking care of yourself and working to get your life back means taking back that control. And that is your choice.

Be safe be strong.

 

[Brontie]

brat17,

It's not so much a choice to shake it all off and simply be well. It's more about the choice to want to be well. Trauma is much like grief, we don't want to be sad all the time but there is a process to go through. And the choice is ours to go through the process or stay where we are. Even if we choose not to choose it's still a choice.

The idea of the 'pay-offs' is to discover why you stay where you are or not. If an alcoholic, not giving up drink, the pay-off could be that you keep the friends you drink with. The pay-off for getting well might be that you get your family back. Whatever way you cut it it is a tough choice but a choice nevertheless.

And I'm with you in that I believe we create our own reality from our thoughts, words and actions. Thought, whether positive or negative, is creative. The more positive we are the more positive our world view will be. But we are not born like that, we have to work at it.