Dissociation, What Are Examples?

[arcc14]

Have either of you talked to your dr/therapist about your internal conversations? I'm a little afraid to mention it. I'm fairly new to treatment/therapy so I don't know what kind of things can get me labeled as completely nutty.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Arcc----no I have not. I am also afraid that they may get some weird dx when they these were NOT THERE before my PTSD. If she is sharp she will understand and get it right.

 

[Philippa]

I am a bit confused by dissociation, too. I am not sure if I have it. I have been told I do, but I don't have a clear idea of what it is. I know there are times when I am very stressed that I just shut down. I can't concentrate, I don't want to talk, I can't answer people's questions.

I get this, not wanting to talk

As a child I spent hours and hours in fantasy land. I had a made-up friend named "Joe" who I think was supposed to be my dad (who I wanted to protect me from my mother but he didn't). I used to pretend I was a horse, too. Was I just a kid with a very active imagination, or was this a form of dissociation or checking out from reality.

Some kids naturally have a very active imagination, so it is hard to tell. I think we all liked to pretend we were something other than what we were. Most kids do that, though I don't think it has to do with dissociation? Maybe though?

I used to pretend a lot of things and I was never physically or sexually abused as a child.

I still sometime pretend to be things I'm not...like a queen:D, and once I used to think I was a real faery, but now I'm not sure if I was dissociating, as I had been through some traumatic stuff. It's possible?

Even as an adult, I often have a whole other conversation going on in my head when I am listening to someone else. I hear them, can respond to them, but I am not totally there. Again, is that normal?

Not sure?

On a slightly different topic, I also get "triggered" by people I consider bullies. I fantasize about beating them up. I obsess about it for days. I have never hurt anyone, but there are times that I wonder if some day I will snap.

This is interesting to me. My brother, who is quite sensitive and has studied a martial art for over ten years now, says that whenever I am around him he gets this strong feeling that I am gonna attack him. He has even asked me to punch him on a train one day...which I found very weird. I have no awareness that I feel this way towards him and am not sure if he is just paranoid (as he smokes waaaaay too much weed) or whether he is actually picking up on something going on in me that I am dissociated from?

I do have fantasies at times of beating people up, and worry that I may snap one day too.

 

[Spero3]

Philipa,

Thanks for your response. Maybe the level and extent of fantasizing is the difference between normal play and dissociation. Maybe there is a line on which one side it's normal and the other side it's not. Food for thought. I know that I used to get so into playing "horsey" that it totally embarrassed my sisters as I didn't care who was around, I did it until I was at least 11, and one day I got so frustrated by a piece of hair in my face that I ripped the whole chunk right out of my head and kept right on running around on all fours. But, maybe I did just have a really active imagination.

Very interesting about your brother. I think people often pick up on stuff and maybe he is feeling something from you. Do you feel tense or angry alot?

Spero

 

[Spero3]

Have either of you talked to your dr/therapist about your internal conversations? I'm a little afraid to mention it. I'm fairly new to treatment/therapy so I don't know what kind of things can get me labeled as completely nutty.

No, I haven't yet. I'm afraid the men in white coats will show up. But, I will be brave and do it at my next appointment (which will be next week) and will get back to you. It's probably about time I did ask. If you don't see me post after next Wednesday, you will know they carted me off. ;)

Spero

 

[SimplyComplex]

Early on I told my T I talk to myself in my head alot...and then talked about conversations I had with myself. She said they were totally normal and has reassured me a couple times. My husband said it wasn't normal, but T says it is. So I say take the leap and bring it up.

Oddly today my T said "its surprising you suffered such severe abuse and don't have more dissociation" and then asked me several questions about dissociation. Do I lose time? (Dude, who doesn't?) She asked me about "spacing out" and what I am thinking about. And even asked me if sometimes I am better at things then others. Oh, and if I ever feel like i am outside my body (I have memories that are outside my body but I never feel like it in the present). I felt kind of icky about the conversation and just answered "I don't know the answer to that question" which is my code for "I can't talk about this right now". Which freaks me out because there are times that I really can not talk about something because all of a sudden, I cant access the info they are asking for. Is that normal???

She said as we peel back more not to be surprised if more comes out. Thing is, I read people talking about dissociation as distressing. The only times it has been distressing is when I have nearly crashed a couple times and that was under severe stress. If time flies by, as long as I don't forget to pick up the kids, well I am fine with that. So what if I can't remember what conversation I just had? Anyways, I guess I am figuring either I don't really do it that much overall, somewhat in normal range or it is so normal to me that I am doing it a ton. I don't know though.

What sucks most is that I have no idea what is normal and what isn't.

 

[arcc14]

I decided to start sitting down at the computer and typing out some of my more interesting internal conversations. I hate it when they get stuck on repeat. I'm going to mention it to my therapist in a couple of weeks too because I really want to know how to stop the eternal replay that happens sometimes. So much of my time and energy is wasted in internal debate. I'm cool with the amusing commentary which plays all the rest of the time though.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Complex-

Not knowing what normal is anymore.........THAT sums up a lot!!

 

[Spero3]

Early on I told my T I talk to myself in my head alot...and then talked about conversations I had with myself. She said they were totally normal and has reassured me a couple times. My husband said it wasn't normal, but T says it is. So I say take the leap and bring it up.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I will ask her! Wish me luck.

Spero

 

[Spero3]

I decided to start sitting down at the computer and typing out some of my more interesting internal conversations. I hate it when they get stuck on repeat. I'm going to mention it to my therapist in a couple of weeks too because I really want to know how to stop the eternal replay that happens sometimes. So much of my time and energy is wasted in internal debate. I'm cool with the amusing commentary which plays all the rest of the time though.

Ugh! I hate when I get stuck on repeat, too! Great idea to write the conversations out.

Spero

 

[Girl like a cloud]

I know exactly what you mean when you say you float over big empty places, lots, fields etc with no one in them. roads with no one on them. Its a video almost, the wind blows and grass moves but no one is there. Dissociation? I've done this my whole life, it's like a screensaver in my head that clicks on maybe 100 times a day. It used to be almost constant, so that while I was with people in a restaurant say, talking, in my mind I could see myself floating over my friend's wind swept back yard (which was a field) or floating over the hillside behind my jr. High (beside the parking lot). They are always pleasant places, always a sunny day and I don't see or feel my body, it's more like a remote viewing consciousness, but the feeling is peaceful.

My consciousness can roam, but it tends to stay in approximately the same area and it "bobs" like a balloon filled with helium. I don't feel lonely, and it doesn't feel strange that there are no animals or birds or people in these "scenes". I'm always between 6 and 12 feet in the air. I have literally dozens of places I visit, but about 10 my consciousness seems to favor. I never have to travel there, I'm just there and they are not related to any event, except that the places are associated with happy times with childhood friends. It feels so awesome to be able to write this because I've only met a few people who have ever experienced anything like this.

One is my dad. Both he and I were, of course victims of childhood abuse and sexual abuse, and so was the one other person I knew who had these experiences. I'm definitely disassociative, have bee diagnosed with D.I.D., which I have really worked though, except when I'm under a lot of stress I tend to splinter again but at least I know what's happening. Simply complex, your coping method sounds a lot like mine, even the description of fading out in church. When I'm bored (or I think it's when I'm bored) I drift out of conversations and have no idea what has been said while I was somewhere else. I have some friends who I can't seem to listen to at length and so after years of knowing them, I still barely know anything about what's going on in their lives. I feel like they MUST experiencing me staring off into space but they never say anything. Anyway, that has improved about 1000 percent since I really started working on it. Has anyone had the experience of being really funny, and then as you got more integrated or less disassociated, your sense of humor dried up? That's happened to me and it's a total bummer.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Thanks cloud for sharing. I am starting to think I am having alot more dissociation then I admitted. It seems so normal. I know my husband is huge on dissociation when stressed (when ever we go visit his family, it is like traveling with a zombie) and my stepson dissociates quite a bit (he shows alot of signs of PTSD, his mom is very abusive). So it is like...oh that is all? Very much our normal.

I have found a bit of a pattern that I wonder if anyone can relate to. I seem to dissociate then then when I come back, I have a set of strong memories (flashback) with strong emotions. Often a panic attack, but sometimes not. It happened in church yesterday (there is no where like church and the shower that can cause so many darn attacks). I dissociate, then I come to with access to a whole set of strong memories from church when I was 7. Now today, I can remember remembering them but I cant actually access the original memory. Anyone else?

I am going to therapy today and I might even bring up dissociation. I sent T a paragraph that talked about some of it and touched on some lack of integration of myself with my younger self (at the time being sexually abused)