Embarrassing Chronic Suicidalness

[ms spock]

Ms Spock- I'm not feeling like a social creature right now. I haven't for quite some time. Anytime I've ever tried to be social as a kid it's always ended in ridicule or exile.

It is so hard scaldedsheep. I had great troubles as a young person as well. I was so traumatised. I didn't fit in.

I really feel for you. I really do.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

As I got older and after sadism I became incredibly violent and bitingly cynical. Only then was I accepted by what you would consider the "wrong crowd" runaways, affiliated peoples, other people in my sort of situation etc, I was never loved but I was feared. So I was accepted for all the wrong reasons but I also knew that these people weren't really my friends. I didn't care. I still don't. I don't hang around anyone anymore for fear of doing a stint in the pen and also because I moved out of state. My brother and I are the only people in my family who haven't been to prison yet. I would like to keep it that way.

So you have made some good choices for your self, which is probably important for you to acknowledge at this time. You stopped hanging out with people who weren't good for you. You also moved interstate to get away from them. I think that is some good decision making going on there.

Not going to jail, when the rest of your family has been to jail is another good choice.

I was just a pathetic people pleaser and a doormat to everyone and also would carry everyone else's problems. I don't think either of our ways of dealing with that stuff is helpful. But it is what it is.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Plus, I just get bored with people. I guess that sounds bad. I get bored because I know I mean nothing to them and they mean nothing to me so what good is that? People...wow what a subject how can I even begin to explain and who really cares?

OH GOSH scaldedsheep - there are just so many stupid, boring people out there. I mean seriously I don't know what we are going to do with them all. I saw a friend today who complained about them at length and I could only agree.

It is hard the attachment stuff and I believe that that is different from being bored with people. I fill like I have no friends and I don't really matter to any one. You know in my family that was entirely true. Until I sit with that and accept it I keep living out the cycle of my family dynamics over and over again. So feeling you don't matter and they don't matter is more about attachment issues than boredom if you get my drift.

Oh you can begin to explain and I really care. There are just some people you have to avoid or they will suck the life force out of you or use you or be a real pain. Developing social skills to adroitly avoid these and manage these people is important in my eyes. Easier typed than done.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Relationships really mean nothing to me as my love for a very seldom few never really mattered.

I struggle with this. That my love didn't matter and they didn't want me or care.

I am still a social creature though which is suprising given the circumstances. You articulate you thoughts and feelings very well.

I go the opposite way relationships mean everything to me because I so desparately want to matter. I really want to matter, but of course no one can meet those unmet needs in my child self.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I don't really believe in the whole safe place thing because there's really no safe place even inside myself.

This is something I don't know how to deal with as well.

 

[ms spock]

When I think of finally being able to die...that's when I feel most relaxed.

I find the idea of dying comforting as well because it means the end of the suffering, loss, disassociation, depersonalisation, derealisation, the loss, the pain of not belonging and the having of no place and space that is safe.
I see my suicidal ideation like a safety valve. It helps me let off steam rather than imploding in on myself.

 

[ms spock]

Why is it that admitting to something so wonderful, ie, the fact that I have, for the first time in my life, found that safe place in the relationship we have established, fills me with such horrific terror and a desperate need to reject and flee, matched only by a frantic need to cling and hold on...

How do you hold that paradox in your head? I don't know. You are brave to give it a go.

 

[freakofnurture]

I just get bored with people. I guess that sounds bad. I get bored because I know I mean nothing to them and they mean nothing to me so what good is that?

You never meet anybody who has some entertainment value or is able to give you useful information? I'm not sure if I can believe that.

There's people like this?

I know three and I'm married to one of them :)

Of course all relationships are based on an exchange of goods, be they material or emotional. And without you being able to give something (and be it by listening to all their shit) no one would be interested in having any form of relationship with you.

But think of it as a form of nourishment: I know that my husband, in love as he might be now, would leave sooner or later if I'd stop to feed him the loving attention that he needs. He'd be sad because he likes my particular flavour, the scent of my ingredients. I'm his favourite food in the world, I give him strength and confidence, and it's fun to eat me (gutter mind, tststs). And because he really wants more of me, and wants to keep me, he feeds me back with his loving attention, making an effort to taste good and to give back something of equal value to what I gave him.

If there's a good fit of what you need and have to give with that which the other needs and has to give, this isn't leachy at all. It's not a vampiric style of feeding off the other's energy, it's a consensual exchange with mutual benefit, and the process is emotionally fulfilling.

You really need to find someone special for this, and believe me, before I found him I'd never thought I'd ever even want to be part of some flowery two-person pot luck bullshit with bunnies and butterflies. But no matter how hard we hate on that needy part of ourselves, no matter how much we want to stomp it out and bury it and piss on its grave as a revenge for all the pain it has caused, its utter uselessness, its childishness, its ugliness... It will still be there. Broken, but existent.

When I think of finally being able to die...that's when I feel most relaxed.

There's nothing wrong with that. I used to enjoy these thoughts, too, for quite some time, and I still do. They give me confidence, relief, calmness. It's not forever, it will stop, no matter how I screw up, death will still be there, waiting for me, and I will just let go.

As long as it remains 'just' a safe place and not a plan being put into action. Why not? It's a place where you feel comfortable, that's all that counts.

How do you hold that paradox in your head? I don't know. You are brave to give it a go.

I don't think it's a paradox. Closeness and openness make you vulnerable. Needing someone makes you vulnerable. If you feel helpless to begin with, this is scary as sh*t.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((scaledsheep)))))

I stand alone amogst my generation in my family....most have killed themselves, or are in prison, or are using...or so mentally unstable, they are unsafe for me to be around.

I found my first safe people at ACA and other 12 step meetings. Lots of sick people there, too...but going, listening, finding people whose lives reflected good recovery led me to a better, safer life.

There are decent, safe, healthier people out there. I just didn't see them for a long time...too busy watching out for the abusers.

Hang in there...

 

[scaldedsheep]

freakofnature- I've met people who've had entertainment value and useful information but that's different then having a relationship with actual meaning.
MsSpock- I guess the whole thought of dying as a way not to implode is a good way to describe it.

 

[freakofnurture]

but that's different then having a relationship with actual meaning.

Which features would make a relationship meaningful in your eyes?

 

[scaldedsheep]

one that doesn't have alterior motives