I think that it's timely for me to read over this thread right now. I guess it's one of many "phases" in this journey, but I am grappling and struggling hard with some very critical inner conflicts about my recovery right now - issues of dependence vs independence from my T, from this forum, and from various other support activities and behaviours that have become so ingrained into my life that it's hard to imagine survival without them. I am aware that I am close to needing to shift some chess pieces on this board - and perhaps this forum is one of them. Have been around for a couple of months and very much stuck in the "emersion" phase, spending ridiculous amounts of time here actually, which is almost amusingly ironic for someone who has traditionally been almost phobic of support groups and deeply cynical and mistrusting of the Internet.
This forum has brought me staggering degrees of comfort, validation and kinship. It's felt like a "safe place" - and there aren't many of those in my world.
Just as with my T, I am realising that my level of dependence may be requiring some painful readjustment, and i know that it's in my best interests to make that happen - probably much more so with my T than with this forum, but the concept is the same.
It's hard, yet somehow important, to confess this in writing, because somehow it's almost a contract when I commit to it outwardly.
But comfort zones aren't always as comfortable long term as they seem, and I do want to get better, as better as is possible, no matter the short term personal cost, and I believe and accept that there is a time to try standing firm on your own two feet.
I'm not ready to disappear yet, not for a while, but am going to endeavour to wean back a little.
God, this was somehow very vulnerable and awkward to write... but important nonetheless.
Maddog
