Fear Of Being Punished- Need Advice

[angel2write]

I've gotten stuck on something & could use some advice/experience with this issue.

I am trying to do a lot of new things right now. Pushing boundaries in almost every area.

I keep challenging myself to do things and succeeding. (mostly) I am working on self-praise and positive self-talk. But I am still pulverized by this fear that I'm going to be punished for doing this stuff. And I'm not having any luck getting a grip on it.

An example: Three months ago I took on a Sunday School class again in my church. I create a lesson plan (from scratch) and a craft idea (also from scratch) every week. I go in and teach. The kids like the class. The parents are happy. The church leaders are happy. I even enjoy the little classes. I can look at what I did and say to myself "I am doing a good job."

But I STILL feel, every single week, like someone is going to stop me in the hall and scream at me. I still feel like I'm going to be punished. I keep talking to myself and saying, "Look- everybody is happy with you! No one is going to punish you!" But my brain doesn't seem to be listening.

And it's like this in almost EVERY AREA. I am making progress, improving, meeting requirements, succeeding... and I'm still wincing and cringing all the freaking time because no matter how good I do, I still think someone is going to come up and hit me or something. Actually, the better I do at something, the bigger the fear that I'm going to be punished for doing it.

What's up with that?

 

[angel2write]

I am sitting here almost crying right this second because I'm afraid someone is going to come along and punish me or yell at me for writing this!!! This is insane. I hate it. Really HATE it. :notworthy:

 

[Sterre]

I know the feeling Angel2write ! I dont have the answer or solution to handle that mechanism.

When I rationalize it, I think the expectation of getting punished or expecting to fail at something good or succesfull, can only be beaten by proving it wrong on a rational level. It's hard and sad to expect some kind of punishment when you succeed or feel happy about something.

This is no longer the past Angel2write, where you where punished for being independent and succesfull or happy with yourself. This is the present, where you are the captain of your own ship!

((((big big hug))))

 

[angel2write]

Honestly, Sterre, I think this is where most of the self-mutilation stuff I deal with comes from. It's like, if doing something GOOD or doing something WELL makes me feel this bad... what's the point? Why even try to get better when actively trying to get better makes me feel worse?

So I hurt myself instead. Mrph. :unsure:

(Not today, though. Hanging on.)

I'm beginning to think maybe this isn't something I'm going to be able to deal with rationally. Maybe it isn't a thinking kind of thing. Can succeeding at something or completing a task actually be a trigger?

 

[angel2write]

If completing a task could be a trigger... it might explain a lot.

With it being the holiday season, I've had a lot of stuff to tick off on my to-do list. And with everything I complete, my anxiety level keeps climbing and climbing until I feel like screaming and clawing at myself. This would make more sense if somehow feeling successful or finishing something was triggering memories of... what? Memories of being punished or beaten for.. I don't know... actually finishing a task on the list?

My brain is blurring... it is REALLY hard to even try to think about this.

 

[Muzikluvr]

A trigger will only fade if you expose yourself to it. If it is a trigger, than this is one trigger I hope you keep exposing until it stops hurting so much.

I think validating that you have the right to succeed and you have the right to mess up and not be abused for it. So, it's okay to put yourself out there.

Then, constant, patient kindness toward yourself while you're feeling all that justifiable, yet outdated fear. Just keep pointing out the difference between your place in the abuse cycle... vs your place in your chosen social circles. See the differences. Notice the patterns.

Whatever happens, it is not the same as it was when you were being abused. It's different. Not so arbitrary. Not so unpredictable. And, you have a lot of personal power as an adult that you didn't have as a child.

 

[Sterre]

For myself I use to think that succeding or accomplishing things, also triggers feelings that go along with being an independent person. With every succes or accomplishment, I become more and more an individual person that is building an independent life, away from my youth.

On an abstract level it means that I am letting go of my past, that I am outliving my past. That can make me feel very guilty, and thus I expect failure or punishment.
If I do something I like or am good at it goes against everything I was teached about myself and the role in life I should play, that can make me anxious and nervous.

I dont know if any of this is helpfull for you Angel2write, so sorry for ramblin on.

I hope you can find something about this that will ease your mind.

 

[LittleBear]

Angel2write,

I've had that exact same fear all my life. It has destroyed much of my life. I've seen this same reaction/response in myself to both praise and criticism. My best wasn't good enough and I believed everyone loathed me with the result of doing self-destructive lifestyles. I even believed and still do in many ways that God hates me. You must be a very intelligent and talented person. It seems many of the World's greatest contributors thought they were failures. (A form of self-punishment). It sounds like you are anything but a failure but actually very appreciated.

I wish you calming resolution with your struggle and one day you will feel the warmth of appreciation from both yourself and others.

Caring...

LBear

 

[angel2write]

Thanks, LittleBear, Sterre, Muzik...

 

[soulofLC]

I have learned a great deal from you Angel. Reading your diary as you wrote, and then reading this thread. I see myself in your struggles. I also have been afraid of success, but was not sure what it was about.

I was also punished for being successful, but in a different and more subtle way. I think I have an inkling of what it is about now. Thank you for struggling. As hard as it was for you, and I know it is and will be, it has been very instructive to me. Now I just have to muster as much strength as you did to face it head on.

 

[LittleBear]

I am in such a state of terror right now I think I am going to start crying and becoming inconsolable. The meds are no longer helping even though the doctor approved a dosage increase today. I am so scared...so terribly...horribly scared.

Angel2write: Thank-you for starting this thread. It helps. Peace be with you.

LBear

 

[Eleanor]

If completing a task could be a trigger... it might explain a lot.

And with everything I complete, my anxiety level keeps climbing and climbing until I feel like screaming and clawing at myself. This would make more sense if somehow feeling successful or finishing something was triggering memories of... what? Memories of being punished or beaten for.. I don't know... actually finishing a task on the list?

My brain is blurring... it is REALLY hard to even try to think about this.

I am so grateful for this thread!

I am not the one with PTSD but this is REALLY interesting. I am TERRIBLE at finishing things, as is my husband. Our house is, from one point of view, a really really big collection of unfinished projects. I get anxiety when I get close to the end of a task (even stuff like washing dishes aargh.) I have to talk myself through it. I know Just What You Mean about it being hard to even try to think about it, my brain just shears off.... It is very very strange. And it is totally non-rational. In fact, my brain will take almost any excuse, no matter how trivial to keep me from finishing things. I am slightly infamous in my profession for not finishing things. (My dissertation advisor said, as a summary comment, about my dissertation "it has a certain "unfinished" quality to it." So I am not imagining this. Editors despair of me. My dean once told me never to try to write anything by myself ever again. I am NOT making this up.) And then when I do, unless I try really really hard - I get almost no sense of satisfaction from it. Yuck Yuck Yuck. I haven't asked my H about it, but I will in light of this post. Most revealing. I definitely think it could be a trigger.

I don't know what the antidote is. Desensitization? Confrontation? Counter-script? I know I sometimes just repeat to myself "nothing bad will happen if I finish this." And sometimes that gets me through it (or at least distracts me long enough to finish!:confused: There has to be a way around/through this... I am also very hard on myself for NOT doing things, so it is kind of a lose-lose all the way around. If I finish, at least I feel nothing BAD.

What if we just let the nay-sayers have their say? What might we discover? I don't think you should listen to them without support angel2write. I might try it on my own.... keep me posted.. I think you are on to something....