Relationship What Is Too Much To Ask?

[Faith Hope and Joy]

I have been away from my home for a week and unable to get on the internet. Alot has happened in this week so here is the big story. When I chatted last everything was going well. He was acting like the husband he should be untill- wednesday night and through thursday morning. He had one of his epesodes of violence. All we were doing was having a theological discusion and he disagreed to my point of veiw. It went from him yelling about it clear to him jumping on me and strageling me. When he did it at first i was so shocked that I just sat there stuned that I could not breath and then I started fighting back. I kicked hit did anything I could to get him off. I finaly got away and could breath. I tried to take our baby and run to the bedroom but he intercepted me and started yanking my daughter out of my arms. I was afraid she would be injured in the tug of war so i let her go and ran to my room, locked my door, and started to dial 911. he got my door open and took my phone and threw it away from me. I would have to get past him to call the police. He kept yelling and screaming a bunch of nonsence and said if I called the police and I left him he would hunt me down and kill me. He then took a knife out of his pocket and oppened it. At first I thought he was going to kill himself but instead he turned on me. as he came at me with his knife he kept yelling that he was going to kill me. I squished myself into the tiney space between my daughter and my bed and curled into a ball. I kept waiting to feal the stab. it never came. evvery time I looked up he was still there right above me with the knife. After what seemed like an eternity he finaly just left the room and took my phone with him. I was left in the bedroom trembling and no way to get help. My baby was in his room with him and I did not want him to hurt her. I just sat there for most of the night completely unable to do anything. He eventualy came into my room and threw my phone back at me and then went back in the room with my daughted. Now i could call 911 but was to afraid to because of his threats to take as many out as he could before they would ever take him.

I had a phone but was to afraid to use it and i could not just leave because he had my daughter. I just sat there on my bed rembling all night long. when morning came I packed a few things and quietly went and took my daughter with me.

I call our bishop to help me get him out of the house. It worked and the bishop kept him out. But the bishop did not see everything. He did not see that my husband was constantly calling and texting me about wanting to get back into the house to retreive his belongings. I got some stuff for him and left it by th stree for him to come and pick up. It was not good enough. He said he had to get into his own stuff. I knew what he realy wanted. He wanted acces to his firearms. I told him he could not come in the house and if he did I would call the police immediately. He just kept pestering about it.
I went to the counselor asking her how I can keep him away from the firearms and she immediately said that we needed to call the police. So wee did. I had waited 5 days to call since he had strangled me. It did not make the officer happy but he put in the papers for my husband to be charged with fellony attempted strangulation and interfering with a 911 call. I went into the courts the first thing in the morning the next day and filed for a protection order. It was granted and he has to stay away from me, my daughter and our home for 6 months. He does not even get to visit the baby. I am a little sad because after 6 month my daughter will not even recognize him. I know the judge made the right decision. After all my husband is probably going to prison for a while.

So now i am home. Scared to death. I think what happened with me standing up to him is going to cause him to freak out to the full extent. He just lost everything in the world. His enire family is gone from him for at least 6 month most likely forever. I just hope he is the only one who ends up hurt. There are only so many blockades you can make with your doors and windows. I still don't feal safe.

I could use all the prayrs and advice anyone can give. thanks for all of your support.

Oh and yesterday I found out the baby i am pregnant with is a boy. I kind of feal numb.

 

[StandHopeful]

Oh honey. I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly don't like the idea of you staying at your home. A protection order will only keep him away if he doesn't want to get in trouble by the law. He knows where you are and if he wants to come back and hurt you he can and will. Have you visited your local Battered Woman Shelter? They can help you find someone to help YOU and give you good advice. You have to be strong for your daughter and son (congrats by the way! Even in this time, a baby is a blessing and it's okay to be excited and happy about him!) Being strong when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep is hard, but you CAN do it. God will give you the strength.

Do you have anywhere you can go besides your home? Or someone who can stay with you for awhile? If not, change the locks- get the best deadbolt and locks you can. Get motion lights on the outside of your home. I know you don't have alot of money for these things... ask your church for help. I know it is hard to ask... but that is the reason we tithe and give offerings... there should be money available in the church for emergencies of the members. This is one of them.

You have to protect you and your children. Expecting him to follow the law is not smart. I am praying for you and am proud of you for pressing charges and getting the order. You need to keep going. You need to get a job or begin filing for support from the state. You can't expect him to take care of you anymore in any capacity. Emotionally, financially, etc. He can't. He isn't capable and it is going to take a LONG time for him to earn that trust back if he ever can.

I am in a separation right now and I know how hard being away can be... and when they "do well" you want so badly to think they have changed. But unless he can show those changes for many months first (away from you NOT in the home) you cannot allow him back into home or into your heart.

You need to start envisioning your life without him, whether he goes to prison or not. He CAN'T be allowed back into your home or heart. You need to build a wall around your heart. He tried to KILL YOU! You can't forget that in times of loneliness or difficulty. Which is why you need to speak to someone at the Battered Womans Shelter who can help you.

I am praying for you. I can only imagine how alone and confused, hurt and angry you are feeling. You need to talk to someone. I pray God gives you that someone and gives you peace. You did the right thing and you are doing the right thing. Keep it up!

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Faith, Hope, & Joy))))))

PLEASE Call your local women's crisis line. TODAY.

PLEASE SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THAT OF YOUR CHILDREN.

Do NOT let this man shame you into silence or isolation. Do NOT comply with ANY of his wishes. Do NOT allow him access to your mind, your body, your property, or your life.

YOU are the innocent (you, your children.)

Please do not die in a futile attempt to redeem the lost.

...and he IS lost.

He was NEVER whole, and you can do NOTHING to give him what God has chosen not to.

NONE of this is your fault. HIS BEHAVIOR IS INEXCUSABLE. There is NO justification for EVER touching you in any manner that is not gentle, kind, or helpful.

Isn't it possible that you do not have a marriage to save, if it is with someone who would try to MURDER you?

Isn't it possible God has brought this forum into your life to save you?

Please do not continue telling yourself that this man has any healthy, loving, caring feelings for you or your children.

You MUST only act on his behavior, NOT what you 'tell' yourself in your head is his 'intent...' because when the behavior is so different from what we believe is 'the intent'....we MUST act on the behavior.

A human who has the capacity to strangle a pregnant woman is NOT normal, healthy, or 'just' in need of the 'right' intervention to give him the morals he was never born with.

He only has one plan for you, and that is your destruction. In this, HE IS WINNING. ...and your church is helping him by not telling you to get far away.

Your desire to 'see the good in him' is helping him destroy you AND your children. Even if he does not kill you, you and your children will never have a loving, caring, healthy family life as long - as long as he is a part of it.

You do not have time to grieve losing the fantasy that he will magically 'wake up' and be your prince. You must protect yourself from the monster who wants to destroy you.

You are not alone. You must seek all aid and tell everything to the women's shelter.

You may not live to see your beautiful baby born if you do not.

What you have is NOT a 'marriage' in any sense that a loving God would desire. Do NOT accept that you are obligated to this abuser in ANY way. You owe him NOTHING.

Please, do NOT allow this abuser to succeed in MURDERING YOU.

You deserve comfort, compassion, support, validation. You deserve respect and safety.

Reach out to the women's shelter and begin getting it. PLEASE.

 

[Faith Hope and Joy]

I keep thinking that the process of the law is going to take effect and they will arrest him. The courts have everything they need to prosecute him. He adddmitted to it all in court when I was getting the protection order. First he denied it all but the judge just asked him the same questions in a different way and he was to confused to lie. He has admitted to both the attempted strangulation and the inturuption of 911 call in court- in my mind he should have been arrested that night.

I am doing my best to make my home as safe as I can. I have motion detectors on the lights on the side of the house and am leaving the front and back porch lights on. I put internal locks on all the doors and put sticks in all the windows so he would have to break something to get in- at least i would hear him coming. I have a phone with me at all times and one hidden in the bedroom and have put locks on the bedroom door. I have been talking to the police and the court victim people. I am losing patience with the prosecutor in not having the charges pushed through and having him arrested already. The process can be very frustrating. It took me a long time to get up the guts to go to the police in the first place and it feals like they let me down.

I hear you BloomIn Winter. I am not looking for any form of change in him and know from the past that he is not capable of it. I cannot even imagine fealing safe around him. The judge asked if I would want to have court supervised counseling with him, I told the judge there is no point in my mind. I want to run as far away from him as I can. I would pick up and leave to the other side of the state if I could but I have other kids who stay with their dad most of the time. Right now I am happy that they are not here. But it is still an opption to leave and head to the other side of the state for a while. As long as I stay within the state I am safe from any charges being pressed against me. I think that I will call again tomorow and see how the charges are progressing. If they are still at a stand still then I will have to leave my home again. I do not like being here alone- no matter how many baracades I have. It is time to leave again.

 

[g6khk0]

BloomInWinter is absolutlely right. A narcicistic sociopath has no conscience and was born that way and there is no changing them. They are like a chameleon and temporarily change and adapt to get whatever it is there sick little minds want to get. They will lie, cheat, steal, abuse in any way shape or form that they can.

They do all of this after they have sucked you into their lives. They have a way of making you think they are this good person when they are not and never can be. Rest assured that under it all they are and always will be about themselves, there is not a good fiber in their body. He fits the desciption exactly. Sociopaths are for whatever reason predominantly males though some can be females.

Run, run as fast as you can and protect you and your family before he destroys everything.

 

[BigBear]

BloomInWinter is absolutlely right. A narcicistic sociopath has no conscience and was born that way and there is no changing them.

g6khk0,

Could I make a slight amendment to your statement. How about trusting instead of believing? Maybe I'm just wired wrong, but I believe that everyone can change. The problem is that there is no way to tell if they are faking.

They will play you for what seems like forever in order to get the ultimate savaging of you! When they die, if they've never done anything nasty again, you've got a 50/50 chance that they've changed...

Bear

 

[g6khk0]

Bear,

I am the first to always trust and believe in everyone until given reason not too.

Mt GF? is a sufferer of PTSD and she has been isolating from me all this week because things were "moving too fast" for her between us. I know, it's a common theme with PTSD and new relationships and is a big part of her cup so it's making her cup run over. I found out through a common friend that even though she can't/won't have contact with me right now that she did go out with friends last night to a club to listen to a band and socialize. She would lead me to believe that she's staying home "getting control back from her frightened self". This does not make her a sociopath but is her way of getting control back.

I have only come into contact once in my life with what I believe to be a sociopath. This woman practically destroyed everything that was near and dear to me before I finally woke up and discovered all the lies and deceit. I trusted and believed too much.

When bad things keep repeating themselves with the same person it is time to move on, regardless of the other person's mental condition or capacity. A sociopath remains a sociopath, if they have you under their spell for a lifetime then it's because they was so good at their sociopath games and was able to manipulate the same person forever.

I read the same link that BloominWinter has on this thread months ago and in it I think it does state that a sociopath can't change as it's in their makeup to always be one. They do things intentionally and with knowledge that it's wrong to get what they want, always. Completely different from other illnesses of the mind.

With all of that, I still hope that we all can change for the better and still do give everyone the benefit of the doubt as we are all human and make mistakes. I hope that I am given the benefit of the doubt as I make my many mistakes at life.

 

[Barberian]

When I read the start of this thread I was going to write a post in support of the husband. I am a vet who suffers from severe PTSD. The symptoms of emotional isolation, "forgetfulness" real or just an excuse because the task was at the time overwhelming, irrational violent outbursts (for me it's against stuff around me, not people. I have been with my wife for 22 years and have never struck her once in anger).

As this thread progressed, my opinion of the situation changed. I am unable to completely read the thread as my anxiety is very bad today. I read most of the thread, but had to skim some of it as my ability to focus is poor at the moment. You MUST protect yourself and your child. Saving yourself and your child is the only option, saving your relationship is not a priority. If you are unable to live somewhere else where he can't find you, which is probably not an option, as he can wait at a place he knows you will visit, then follow you to where you are staying, please have someone stay with you. If he knows you are alone you are in more danger. If you have someone else at the house he is more likely to leave you alone. I suggest another woman, as he will probably see another man as a direct threat to the relationship and will could drive him to drastic measures of violence "If I can't have her, no one will".

He is from the sound of it in "survival mode", a primitive base emotional state of severe mental imbalance. He does sound from the posts to care about you, and the child, but is unable to rationalize his thoughts. I write this because I have at times been close to what you describe here. I have totally "lost it" many times, but once again, I have not hurt others physicaly. I have been able to warn my wife to stay away from me so she doesn't get hurt as I rampage (adult child not at my home).

My suggestion is to pray for guidance from our heavenly father. Seek guidance from the Bishop and .... I can't remember her title at the moment.. the lead female in the church (I haven't been able to attend church in several years). Maintain seperation for at least 6 months. Then only if the situation has stablized, you are interested in continueing the relationship, and he has been in therapy with medication if it has been prescribed, start to re-establish the relationship. I suggest to start the relationship by only seeing him during mutual mental health councleing sessions, for several weeks or months, then let the relationship lead where it may. Make it clear to him under no uncertain terms that ANY act of violence against you or your child will be unacceptable and will terminate the relationship. Make it clear that if he wants to re-establish the relationship that he must work at it too. He must take his medication(s) if prescribed. He must attend counceling if ordered or the councelor believes he should attend. He must be kind and loving to you and your child. You are a human being and should be treated as such. You are his equal, and not to be abused, mistreated or neglected. Firearms will not be allowed in the home or acccesible to him. The same goes for any type of weapon. Keep written records that are not stored at your residence of EVERYTHING you can in regards to the relationship (restraining orders, police reports, custody orders, mental health records, any related expence(s)). Letting him know there is a possiblility the relationship can be salvaged (if it can be) will give him hope and help keep him out of the mindset of "If I can't have her, no one will".

Your safety and that of your child is the most important factor in all of this. Accept that the relationship may be over. You are a saint for putting up with what you have for as long as you have and you are NOT a failure. Sometimes mental health does ruin a perfectly good person.

 

[BloomInWinter]

PLEASE tell the police, your church, and the advocate about the knife. Surely they should elevate the charges.

That he is able to pick and choose where and when to display his rage makes him MUCH more dangerous to you.

If you cannot go to a shelter, please, tell ALL of your neighbors, now. You need their eyes, ears, and support.

Ask your church to start really helping you. The barricading of yourself in your home is a place I have been before. Isolating, terrifying, and leads to worse mental illness. Resist allowing him to cut you off from social contacts.

Is there a church member willing to let you stay with them at night for a few days? Or lend you a good barking dog?

You can also ask the police for regular 'well-being checks' to show increase police presence.

If all else fails, you can go to the local ER and tell them you wish to be seen for 'mental health issues' and then, tell the intake counselor EVERYTHING. Your privacy will be protected, but they are obligated to report and the police will be obligated to act.

I am very frightened for you. Be safe - don't worry about 'being nice' while seeking safety. Be demanding, forceful, whatever it takes. Keep telling everyone you know until the shame breaks loose and you find a person willing to help you escape.

Tell the police about him grabbing your child. He should be charged with child abuse, too...and a case worker should have been assigned to your traumatized child.

Hang in there. (((((FHJ)))))

 

[SydneyH]

Faith Hope Joy, I am praying for you.

 

[Eleanor]

FHJ, Bloom is exactly right. She knows the system. Take her advice and make it work for you.

It is hard for people who are not violent to "believe" in it, even when they experience it or are under threat. This puts them at a disadvantage in protecting themselves. Bloom believes in it. I believe in it - shoot, most of the folks on this site believe in it - it is one of the ways in which we are "different" from "normal" people. You have to look at things differently. And it is a different view. In one way things get very simple. It is all about physical safety. There are people who will fight for you, and those who won't. Stick with the ones you can picture standing between you and your husband at his worst.

Here is my take on your situation (assuming you are still in your house.) From a tactical standpoint you need not be under siege - the church should be able to put you with a family previously unknown to both of you. (My preference would be for a couple who had both been marines - apologies to members of other services.) Give the guns to the police. Press charges about the knife if you have not already done so. And about taking the baby. She was being held hostage, no mistake about that. In the meantime, tell every single one of your neighbors. This is no time to worry about other people's feelings or opinions. If they get scared, that's good. He is dangerous, and a healthy amount of fear will keep you all safe. It is a bad thing to be where the bad guy can find you. It is bad to be alone. Both of these things are in your control.

If you don't know how to handle a gun - now would be a good time to learn. Even if you are not keeping one, knowing what to do with one, and being able to handle one, having some confidence will help you in a tight situation.

I'm scared witless just reading your account. There is no dealing with him. You are pregnant and cannot be in a situation that is this unstable. Please please please : Get the hell out of dodge.

((((((FHJ)))))) Praying you and your children safe....

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi FHJ,

I apologize because I was not able to read everyone's posts, but I read a few of yours and some responders', and my response is simply that no matter how many factors there are (his kids, other stressors), it sounds like he's disengaged with himself, his needs, and his treatment/progress/healing whathaveyou.

My fiancé confronted me a long, long time ago by saying, You went to the store and forgot to get me a Snickers bar? I was floored. He was mad because I didn't pick up the candy that he didn't ask for when I went to get groceries? But he went on to illustrate that he always remembers to get my favorite candy every time he goes out, even though I never ask him to, so would it be so hard to return the favor?

But it got bigger from there, because he explained that (although I try to always be on my verbal please and thank you game), he was providing me with non-verbal thanks--just grateful was for me in general--by getting me my favorite candy as well as through other things, like making sure the coffee is brewed right before I wake up. These things, he emphasized, were simply positive little things he could do to make my life easier, because he loves me. So now, I neigh forget his candy, and when I think of something he does for me and I want to just say thank you, instead of simply saying it, I think about what I can do that will say thank you in itself, even if that thing is just beating him to doing me a favor, like setting up the coffee before we go to sleep so he just has to hit the switch in the morning.

I wanted to outline ALL of this so could highlight the steps I identify as important.

-I was given one tiny example of something I could do to make a huge difference for him, and the meaning was EASY to see, because I know that I really appreciate when he comes home with candy for me!
-I was shown the bigger picture, the bigger meaning: actions > words
-It was easy to make buying candy a habit, and the result made it very memorable, because now I feel sad when I can't make him light up with the simple joy of candy if I forget, thus recognizing a circular positivity that we were intentionally bringing into our relationship!

It sounds like your hubby is having trouble with the verbal aspect of thanks, but it really, for me, has a much less powerful effect than action anyway. Maybe you could just identify one tiny, minute thing (close the shower curtain after showering, set out a glass of water for my nightstand before bed, come say goodbye to my face before leaving the house) that YOU already do for him, you too could help him inject positivity into the relationship for the both of you?

Good luck! (((FHJ)))