freakofnurture
Platinum Member
The long version:
I've started to see this self help group (for 'regular' depression and anxiety) which meets once a week for two hours close to where I live. The people there are surprisingly kind and thoughtful in the way they approach others, and they have been 99.9% accepting of me. Also, I am in no way forced to go there ever again if I don't want to. Since I fear people, who I can't avoid, hating me, one would think that I'd feel more and more at ease in this group situation. The opposite is true.
During every session I used a number of strategies to try and calm me down, but none of them had more than a momentary effect. Here's how it went:
First session - I was surprised how relaxed I was; tapping my foot, but no anxiety symptoms aside from that. Could I be on the way to getting over my fear? How great would that be!
Second session - I was a bit less relaxed but talked about a chronic conflict I had with my husband. I received a lot of good feedback and made sure to compliment people on that before explaining that I was already employing this or that strategy, or had moved beyond that problematic aspect etc. So I could see the competency of the group and also tried to make myself appear open and pleasant. After the session I felt vulnerable and like crap all around.
Third session - My anxiety was around 60 right from the beginning, and hearing all them stories for the third time annoyed and bored me so badly that I started a discussion about alternative 'medicine' in order to keep myself entertained; it improved my mood but did nothing for the anxiety. On the way home I thought that, if I ever had to sit through another two hours with those repetitive people, I'd go postal. I talked to my husband about it, which was quite helpful. He suggested I think of the people in the group as malfunctioning robots who are caught in a loop. That idea calmed me down and helped me to feel a bit more compassionate.
Fourth session - I felt a bit spiteful on the way there; my mind was playing a tune of "They think I'm ashamed for the argumentative tangent I dragged them down, but I don't give a sh*t." They didn't give a sh*t about that tangent, either, although the guy who last week complained about me using the foreign word 'pre-clinical study' made a remark about it. Session got going, I got bored and even boreder, got a stomach ache, got stomach pain, had my stomach feel like raw flesh being bathed in acid, and all that while I felt a panic attack sneaking up on me. The thought of leaving early calmed me down a bit and I left an hour early.
I will go to the fifth session next week, but I have no idea if I'll make it past the 1/2h mark.
The short version:
I try to practice standing people, but the more contact I have, the more bored, aggressive and anxious I get. Why? Why do I react like that? Why don't I get better with practice? It's so frustrating!
The four thoughts I want to bounce off of you:
1. I have this hypothesis that the increased anxiety is due to my expectation of everything breaking down. The more contact I have, the more likely it gets that I will commit the one careless or innocent f*ckup that will cause the group situation to become conflicted, ugly and dangerous (in a PTSD symptom kind of way) for me.
2. I am an arrogant, heartless b*tch who can't even manage to listen to people who don't meet her arbitrary standards of what is an interesting story in a setting that is designed to give room to exactly those stories. I have to effing get a grip on myself.
3. Those two problems synergise to put an increasingly high level of adrenalin in my system, activating all kinds of defensive urges.
4. Do I have to just try more CBT techniques? Do I need meds to teach my system to not freak out in these situations? If meds, which ones? I tried Ativan twice, but it only made me too tired and stoned to act on my still severe anxiety.
I've started to see this self help group (for 'regular' depression and anxiety) which meets once a week for two hours close to where I live. The people there are surprisingly kind and thoughtful in the way they approach others, and they have been 99.9% accepting of me. Also, I am in no way forced to go there ever again if I don't want to. Since I fear people, who I can't avoid, hating me, one would think that I'd feel more and more at ease in this group situation. The opposite is true.
During every session I used a number of strategies to try and calm me down, but none of them had more than a momentary effect. Here's how it went:
First session - I was surprised how relaxed I was; tapping my foot, but no anxiety symptoms aside from that. Could I be on the way to getting over my fear? How great would that be!
Second session - I was a bit less relaxed but talked about a chronic conflict I had with my husband. I received a lot of good feedback and made sure to compliment people on that before explaining that I was already employing this or that strategy, or had moved beyond that problematic aspect etc. So I could see the competency of the group and also tried to make myself appear open and pleasant. After the session I felt vulnerable and like crap all around.
Third session - My anxiety was around 60 right from the beginning, and hearing all them stories for the third time annoyed and bored me so badly that I started a discussion about alternative 'medicine' in order to keep myself entertained; it improved my mood but did nothing for the anxiety. On the way home I thought that, if I ever had to sit through another two hours with those repetitive people, I'd go postal. I talked to my husband about it, which was quite helpful. He suggested I think of the people in the group as malfunctioning robots who are caught in a loop. That idea calmed me down and helped me to feel a bit more compassionate.
Fourth session - I felt a bit spiteful on the way there; my mind was playing a tune of "They think I'm ashamed for the argumentative tangent I dragged them down, but I don't give a sh*t." They didn't give a sh*t about that tangent, either, although the guy who last week complained about me using the foreign word 'pre-clinical study' made a remark about it. Session got going, I got bored and even boreder, got a stomach ache, got stomach pain, had my stomach feel like raw flesh being bathed in acid, and all that while I felt a panic attack sneaking up on me. The thought of leaving early calmed me down a bit and I left an hour early.
I will go to the fifth session next week, but I have no idea if I'll make it past the 1/2h mark.
The short version:
I try to practice standing people, but the more contact I have, the more bored, aggressive and anxious I get. Why? Why do I react like that? Why don't I get better with practice? It's so frustrating!
The four thoughts I want to bounce off of you:
1. I have this hypothesis that the increased anxiety is due to my expectation of everything breaking down. The more contact I have, the more likely it gets that I will commit the one careless or innocent f*ckup that will cause the group situation to become conflicted, ugly and dangerous (in a PTSD symptom kind of way) for me.
2. I am an arrogant, heartless b*tch who can't even manage to listen to people who don't meet her arbitrary standards of what is an interesting story in a setting that is designed to give room to exactly those stories. I have to effing get a grip on myself.
3. Those two problems synergise to put an increasingly high level of adrenalin in my system, activating all kinds of defensive urges.
4. Do I have to just try more CBT techniques? Do I need meds to teach my system to not freak out in these situations? If meds, which ones? I tried Ativan twice, but it only made me too tired and stoned to act on my still severe anxiety.
