Suicidal Thoughts, Don't Know What To Do.

[Bimble]

Hi

Pretty much a year on from my accident at work, I spiralled down into a terrible state, with flashbacks, huge emotional swings, anxiety...saw my Doctor who signed me off work for 3 weeks, plus increased medication dosage.

By end of 3 weeks I felt my flashbacks were easing slightly, enough to be able to use my coping mechanisms. Still pretty bad, but I felt a bit more human so decided I wanted to head back to work. I was seeing my Consultant at the end of the week too, with a view to trying new things to help.

Went back to work, felt OK - still bad flashbacks during night and day, but within my 'coping zone' just about. Saw my Consultant on the Friday of this week who is going to try EMDR as he thinks it's got a good chance of helping me. Actually felt really positive after this appointment, like progress could be made once I cracked on with this EMDR stuff as it sounded good.

Just before I saw my consultant on the Thursday, I had a half day annual leave to sort some things out in the afternoon.

I was just about to pack up for the day on the Friday, when my Manager asked if he could have a word with me about things. He basically told me he had heard I had only done three and a half hours work and not four hours on my half day annual leave. I argued that I had worked more than my contracted hours for the week anyway - he told me people in the office had said something about it and, 'whilst he could take things further, he wanted to draw a line under it', and with that said goodbye and went home.

I was really upset as he didn't give me a chance to defend myself and ask him why, if he was happy to 'draw a line under it' he couldn't wait until Monday. This was my first week back and I could feel my emotions starting to rise and go haywire, I was experiencing flashbacks and all sorts of anxiety attacks whilst he was saying this to me - he was quite threatening and kept saying he could take things a lot further but wouldn't etc.

When he went out the door, I felt like total shit. TOTAL shit. I felt crap, worthless, worried sick about my job, worried people are talking about me - my head was spinning with negative thoughts.

The nights and days are bad for me at the best of times, but Friday night I had no sleep at all - had my head on the pillow just thinking about his words, feeling sick, seeing him talking, thinking about how I would provide for my kids if I lost my job, feeling angry (SO angry), I started crying - you name it, I was feeling it. After no sleep, I spent the rest of the next day, Saturday, in a total trance, experiencing terrible flashbacks, head spinning with negative thoughts - never felt so low as I did on Saturday. Had to be so strong for my kids so I didn't show I was upset all day. Cuddled them so hard that day - all I could see was me destroying their life, losing my job, not being able to provide for them...

Saturday night I felt helpless. My heart was pounding, couldn't sleep at all. Felt sick - same thoughts and feelings as night before. These nights have been by far the worst in my life since having PTSD. I cannot explain how deeply low I felt.

Come Sunday morning, early hours, I was drinking (I NEVER drink), I thought about how I could escape this nightmare, how I would feel if things were ended - the feeling (I guess) of just PURE release from this prison I am in in my head. I had to fight these feelings so hard - so hard. I had to write a kind of list stating reasons why I shouldn't kill myself and what would happen if I did. I wrote about how I had to live for my kids, to be with them, to love them, to be loved by them, to see them grow up, find love of their own. I had to find strength to write how I can achieve things in life, beyond my job. It was so hard, but it was harder to realise I had actually contemplated ending my life to the point I had to physically write down reasons why I shouldn't.

I have to keep looking at it. I have it next to me now. I am not sleeping, my life went from feeling 'OK' and manageable last week, to total darkness and all because of a power crazed man who decided to wreck my life and mess totally with my head on a Friday night, just before leaving to head home for the weekend, for no good reason. If it was not enough to take it further and he was happy enough to draw a line under it, why tell me anyway, especially just before the weekend so I could think about what was said, worry about it for a good two days and three nights before I had a chance to speak to him.

In 5 minutes - that's all it took. I have never felt so low since my accident at work. I don't know what to do, how to cope. My life seems pointless - except for my kids and I have to keep reading my reason to live list to keep telling me this - f*cked up or what???

 

[milbert]

Your manager sounds like a jerk, and it seems he chose a terrible time to annoy you about a half hour of work.

I had to write a kind of list stating reasons why I shouldn't kill myself and what would happen if I did. I wrote about how I had to live for my kids, to be with them, to love them, to be loved by them, to see them grow up, find love of their own. I had to find strength to write how I can achieve things in life, beyond my job.

Your live list has so many good reasons why deserve to get the help you need at this time. Stay strong for yourself, for your kids, and for your future life with them. Have you talked to your doctor or therapist about the feelings and suicidal thoughts you're having?

 

[Bimble]

Thanks for replying and sharing your views and advise milbert. I am due to see my Doctor this week, have just seen my Occupational Therapist who wants me to stay away from work for a few weeks, in order to get my head straight and allow my therapist and the EMDR to work effectively without work getting in the way.

I can't tell you how just low I felt driving home on Friday. My kids give me so much strength but at times I look a them and it makes me so upset that I am like this - they need their real dad back, not this empty shell of a guy who used to be sparky, fun loving and energetic.

I have to keep going for them - I have to, that's what I keep saying and writing down all the time. It's so tough.

Thanks so much for your post, it really helps that there are people out there who understand what it's like.

 

[Tessa]

I am struggling with work not understanding the PTSD from a work related incident also. Our emotions are much stronger with PTSD and our stess cup is already nearly full. It is easy to tip over and think the worst. Unfortunately there are managers who are on a power trip and have no idea how much we suffer.
Please stay with us. We are all here with you on the forum struggling with our issues and supporting each other in the dark times and we do care.

 

[Bimble]

Thanks Tessa. Sometimes it gets really lonely and I hit absolute rock bottom, like over the weekend. My Manager's comments were the final straw for me, he went home happy and probably had a great weekend! I went home, had no sleep the entire weekend, was a complete wreck and feel terrible today. My head was simply spinning with thoughts and negative emotions, from anger to upset - no degrees of, just one extreme emotion or another.

It's fair to say no one fully understands what PTSD does to someone, in terms of what goes on in their heads but only through discussion can it be moderately comprehended by non sufferers. It really is just awful - at least if I'd broken my leg at work, people can see my legs in plaster, I walk with a stick and it's visual. With this, I look the same, even smile some days, so what the hell can be wrong with him!!!

It really is tough and it's even tougher when you have a few good, positive days, followed by a sudden drop in mood and then BAM back to square one again. It's hell, it really is!

I think more needs to be done to educate people in work about some of these issues, I really do, otherwise it just adds to the pressure felt all round when it comes to a head like it has for me.

My kids are my life. My reason to live list is really useful for me, but it has stunned me that I have even had to write it to make me realise these things!

 

[milbert]

I'm glad to hear that you're working hard at recovering from PTSD and that you have specialists who are taking your concerns seriously and are ready to help you. It's terrible that you have to go through this, but it's good that you have helpful people on your side.

It's inspiring to me that you care so much about your kids and that you want to get back to being fun loving and energetic for them.

I can't tell you how just low I felt driving home on Friday. My kids give me so much strength but at times I look a them and it makes me so upset that I am like this - they need their real dad back, not this empty shell of a guy who used to be sparky, fun loving and energetic.

You are their one and only Real Dad. You are irreplaceable to them, and are trying your best to overcome PTSD. I understand that your kids probably want you to be back to normal right away, but they can probably understand that you love them as much as you ever have but that you are healing from your accident. I don't know what ages they are or how you've described it to them, but kids are very resilient when they know that they are loved by a parent, and that a parent is trying their absolute best to care for them and heal from an accident. There is nothing shameful about needing to recover from PTSD, and nothing shameful about not being able to pretend to be normal while you're recovering. The feeling of being normal will come back in time.

 

[Bimble]

Thanks so much milbert.

Is it normal to feel paranoid that people at work are talking about you, or even treating you differently? I work in the NHS (in the UK) and feel so paranoid that people are talking about me, or that they have even looked me up on the healthcare records system here to see what's happening with me! Bonkers I know, but I was in a meeting a few months back where another manager of mine was presenting something and there was my name! Up on the large projector screen in front of managers and clinicians. It wasn't the only name up there, other patient names were there. This freaked me out, as (for me) my name stood out like a sore thumb. Of course, it could have been someone else with the same name, but some of these people know my problems so could have put 2 and 2 together.

This disregard for patient confidentiality by displaying patient names in front of managers, makes me feel very uncomfortable and has added fuel to the fires of paranoia that people are reading up on my mental health notes through their access. Am I totally losing it??

 

[Srain]

Hey Bimble,

I think there is some validity to the paranoia/panic connection to PTSD symptoms, I tend to be a walking example of when stressed or triggered I become obsessed with scenarios and kicked-in thoughts of how better off my loved ones would be without me.

That being said, the problem comes (in my opinion only, I am not a professional) when symptom meets symptom, i.e. hypervigilance plus paranoia. I see it as a HUGE breach of confidentiality to be viewing employees health records with managers openly like that. I see the potential for all kinds of problems and issues so I would be extremely upset about that myself and concerned legitimately so! Now whether this has anything to do with what happened to you on Friday is uncertain but what is certain is that you reacted to the point where you were entertaining thoughts that were extremely harmful and disrupted your sleep and those fed on themselves, I get that. This is where writing things out can be helpful and getting feedback.

I think you are very right to be concerned about that practice of viewing employee health records. That's one issue and should be addressed but maybe not at this time. I would address whether there really is an issue from Friday and how best to resolve that as a separate issue. Slow things down a bit. Try to get some rest, eat properly, remember you are REacting first and are sensitive. Not that you don't have a point, you do, but you in order to be heard you have to take good care of yourself first. Just a suggestion, but as suggestions go this has been given to me and when I take it I find it usually works best.

(I am actually writing this for myself since I am an A-1 over-reactor-sensitive-in-your-face kinda gal ;) so please forgive me.)

Keep posting.
Peace,
Rain

 

[Bimble]

Hi Rain - thanks for your comments. I definately need to stop, calm down and try and take a step back from it all. It's just all filling my head with these thoughts and it's so hard to maintain a healthy work, life and play balance.

When I get back to thinking calmly I will definately raise the patient confidentiality issue cos I feel it's awful, I just don't have the mental capacity or energy to deal with it at the moment.

 

[Srain]

I think you have everything it takes to do what you need to, you just hit a snag. Some rest and distance can make all the difference.

Take good care,
Rain

 

[intothelight]

In 5 minutes - that's all it took. I have never felt so low since my accident at work. I don't know what to do, how to cope. My life seems pointless - except for my kids and I have to keep reading my reason to live list to keep telling me this - f*cked up or what???

Hi Bimble,

I think as you make your way around the forum you will find the majority of the members have experienced thinking about suicide. But I just wanted to say, the list you made was an excellent idea. Please keep adding to that list and keep it with you. When you start to feel down, pull it out and look at all of the reasons that you have to live for and all of the things that are good in your life.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[Bimble]

Thank you so much for all your comments, it makes me feel 'normal' (in the contaxt of PTSD!). I am really starting to think work has it in for me at the moment though, what with the issue last week, which prompted the huge spiral down in mood for me, but now today I am presented with another stair case directly opposite my office door being cordoned off and worked on! Flashbacks gone through the roof at the moment and my level of anxiety is at a level I've not had for a long time. I've dealt with the stair case issue so far, I've HAD TO, because I work on the first floor. My therapist has hammered it into me to make sure I don't create avoidance issues so I ensure I confront my fear (indeed I HAVE TO) every day I am at work.

This kid of thing brings it all back to me though and I feel sick to the core, my heart is pounding, I've just had enough of this place! Back in November of this year, the same staircase lighting failed and I was the only one in the office left and had to make my way down these stairs without lights at all. I had to check with my colleague the next day I wasn't going mad and she indeed confirmed there were no working lights at all in the stairwell.

My head says I need to get to get out of this environment, but my therapist says it's healthy and productive in terms of recovery and progress to confront these fears head on - trouble is, I am constantly being bombarded by these fear events all the time here. It's really making me ill, I just can't deal with it.

Feel like I'm going mad, plus with mood so low, I just can't cope.

I had to go for a run this morning at 5.30am as I was up from 3am anyway due to no sleep from flashbacks all night. I was in 9am for a meeting and I had to use the high I got from my run and strong coffee just to get through the meeting - my life's a mess, it really is. Sorry to harp on like this, but I feel things are coming, if not come to, a head for me in my life.