Relationship I'm Hurting So Much..... And I Don't Know What To Do!! So Confused :(

["Semper Fi" to her]

So to be honest I am hesitant to post on here.. for many reasons, one of them being that I am a lesbian and i don't know how welcome i will be in this forum. I have been dating a Marine for 3 months now that is dealing with Combat PTSD symptoms (she hasn't been officially diagnosed but she fits the symptoms). She did get diagnosed with TBI (traumatic brain injury) while deployed due to having been blown up. I don't even know where to start ..... I love her so much....and she is pushing me away, to the point that she has out of the blue broken up with me and says she needs to fix her right now that she can't be in a relationship, she wants to do it alone without seeking professional help, because she is afraid she might loose her job....(the marines are her life..is who she is). I want to be here for her...but she won't return, texts, emails or calls. This came out of the blue (the break up), one day she's telling me she loves me the next she texts "we need to figure out a way to give you your stuff back"...just like that. I KNOW IM RAMBLING right now, but this is how my mind is right now, i have so many questions. The one thing i am a 150% sure of is that i love her, that i want to be here for her, that her PTSD doesnt scare me, that i will never look at it as a reason to leave her and give up on us.

When we started talking and getting to know each other she was deployed, so i knew from the beginning that she would come back with some form of PTSD, they all do. So I knew what i was signing up for when i agreed to be her girlfriend and she put her dog tags around my neck. She is one of the most amazing people i have ever met in my life and it kills me that she is going thru this ..but its killing me even more that she is pushing me away. The first 2 weeks after she got back she exhibited minor symptoms, and she would even tell me "look i think i have PTSD" and i told her that it was ok, that i was here for her, thru the good and bad. She's not much of a talker, so the topic was rarely brought up. After going on here and several other forums I've learned a lot about PTSD...but what I've mostly learned is all of the things that i have done wrong.....trying to push her to communicate, taking her silence as a bad thing, it's just been a mess, don't get me wrong I've been a great girlfriend and so has she.....and i feel so alone because my family and best friend don't understand it or me...no one does unless you are in it...or have been present through our relationship every step of the way or unless you have been in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer . They tell me ohh forget her she doesnt want to be with you just move on....but its easier said than done. And ive been trying to give her space, because im my mind we are not broken up.​

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I look at this as she is off to war yet again...she is at war with herself..her thoughts, i'm trying to tell myself that i should deal with the distance and silence the same way i would have if she was deployed again and i wouldn't be able to see her for months or talk to her for weeks a at time. And i also have to tell myself that she might or might not come back to me. I might not make any sense with this but for now this is how i am rationalizing this.....OR I might just be in complete denial. I've refrain from calling or emailing or texting her...but i have the need to send her one last email, basically explaining this to her that im here that im not going anywhere than in her mind she migh think we are broken up and she might think that this is what she needs being alone to fix herself and that doing it alone migh be the best thing but its not, that ill wait for her, that if she needs me she can call or text, that i don't want her to be afraid to, because she thinks she might have done too much damage....i want to say this and so much more but i don't know how tooo do it without making her feel like maybe im pushing or im crazy...i don't know guys ...clearly you can see that this is driving me insane because i can barely write this in a way that makes sence.....THOUGHTS PLEASE....AND IF THERE ARE ANY of you out there that have or have had Combat PTSD please help me understand why she broke up with me out of the blue?​

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Sorry for the rambling and probably making no sence at all :"(​

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey Semper Fi to her,

PTSD doesn't discriminate. So why should we here at the forum?

I don't have much advice for you, apart from saying that I have been there, feeling that terrible anguish at believing that I am losing the woman I love. The most difficult thing I could do was back off, but it was the best thing that I ever did. She moves closer to me again, as and when she feels safe and able.

Read through the literature available here, its really good stuff. Real stuff. Try to get a good understanding of what your loved one is going through, and then you will see what the best things are for you to do to REALLY support her.

And you will also find a phenominal amount of compassion, support, love and real understanding from the members here.

SeekingSerenity

 

[Anna1954]

Semper Fi I will not discriminate when I was in the Army the lesbians were some of my best friends.

I too am suffering with what you are going through. Mine is a retired Marine with 32 yrs of service and multiple deployments.

I realize you try to get her to talk but sometimes its better to maybe ask a question with out making her feel she has to get on the defensive. A question can be like "I feel that maybe something might be bothering you, would you like to talk about it? Hopefully she will open up.

This guy I am talking about has pushed away too. I am just giving him the time to regroup and hopefully I will hear from him again. So just give her the respect of giving her space, but also let her know you will be there for her if she needs you. Good luck

 

[Pale Warrior]

((((((HUGS)))))

 

[JohnJohn]

Semper Fi,

We all deserve to live, love and be free of pain. Your path in life treads on no one else's rights, so welcome.

First of all take care of yourself as best you can. I got empowered through understanding my wife's trauma. I can't fix it, but I began to recognize and understand the issues. Combat ptsd has generated numerous vetrans affairs support groups. Now, they or your loved one (if she is not out) may get a little friction unfortunately. So tread lightly. You don't want to add stress (in my opinion) to your loved one. But ptsd support groups of any kind may be a good start, online or otherwise.

Your on the right track, so keep digging and find the answers you need to empower yourself.

Take care and Semper Fi

 

[reallydown]

Welcome to the forum. As a sufferer, one thing that comes to mind in terms of why she may be pushing you away is just feeling that it's not fair to you to have to put up with her ptsd...It may or may not be that but it's one possibility that comes to mind. Good luck.

 

[Philippa]

Welcome to the forum. As a sufferer, one thing that comes to mind in terms of why she may be pushing you away is just feeling that it's not fair to you to have to put up with her ptsd...It may or may not be that but it's one possibility that comes to mind. Good luck.

This is what I was thinking too.

I felt this way with depression and ptsd and pushed family and friends away as well as lovers...so, it's quite possible she loves you so much too and doesn't want you to have to be dragged through the ringer with it. It might also be a pride thing...not wanting you to see her at her worst, and wanting you to preserve the memories of her before she was like this. Ptsd can change a persons personality, and it's not always pleasant for the loved ones.

 

[ProudWife99]

AND IF THERE ARE ANY of you out there that have or have had Combat PTSD please help me understand why she broke up with me out of the blue?​

My husband has CPTSD and if I were being perfectly honest (which I'm really working on being!) there are days I wonder how different my life would have been had he just broke up with me "out of the blue" as you say. Not to say your relationship is not deserving of saving or working through, but sometimes when I read things like this I am triggered to wonder if knowing what I know now would have changed anything. I'm still not sure it would have, but I do think about it.

Mine did ask for a divorce a number of times. Sometimes I begged him not to go and he would finally act convinced to stick around. Now, I don't think he was ever going to leave, but after every time I "convinced" him to stay I thought less and less of myself to the point I ran out of reasons to convince him. The last time (6 months ago) he threatened to leave I told him to just go right ahead and do it and maybe I'd finally get some peace and quiet! (Okay, so it wasn't nearly as brave or strong sounding, but I did not beg!) and wouldn't you know it...he stuck around.

I guess what I'm saying is that if they're going to leave...well..they're going to leave. We can't make someone want to work through something no matter how bad we may think they need/want to. We can't force someone to do something they're not ready or not capable of doing. If he was ever going to leave, my begging wouldn't have stopped him. It surely wouldn't make me feel any better and quite honestly, I don't want to beg to be loved.

I guess it's about understanding those boundaries and knowing we, no matter how much we love them, deserve love too. I hope for comfort and healing for you both, but until she is ready to get the help it sounds like she needs, there is little you can do to help her. Like I said, sometimes we can't save them even if we know they deserve to be saved. They have to save themselves.

 

[Pale Warrior]

she loves you so much too and doesn't want you to have to be dragged through the ringer with it. It might also be a pride thing...not wanting you to see her at her worst, and wanting you to preserve the memories of her before she was like this.

I have heard this from my husband. He has also offerd to "set me free" to find another man, feeling he was holding me back and hurting me. Like I was gonna walk out after 7 years of marriage?