Caring About People And At The Same Time Not Caring?

[Chincho]

This is my first thread and I don't know if this is the right place for it. Also, please be patient with me as English is not my mother language...

Has it ever happened to you that you behaved so terribly with someone that you lose a friend?

And when/if that happens does it ever happen that you alternate between feeling guilty and missing that person terribly, and not really caring and feeling that you're better off with nobody caring about you?

 

[Lionheart]

Intellectually I used to believe that I didn't care about others, but my heart did and so I have had to change my mind.

However, it depends on the people involved and the situation. It is hard to lose a friend, but if they are gone, were they really a friend in the first place?

Did you do something that you regret to your friend and therefore need to make amends? ...or did the friend somehow let you down? I am not sure of your situation but I think it is pretty common to feel ambivalent from time to time.

 

[Srain]

I think that Lionheart asks some important questions. I often have to go through a series of questions to myself now in order to understand just what it is I'm going through so as to not just simply toss people out as go along because I'm emotionally unavailable or dissociating. Many things come to play while going through recovery and/or ptsd symptoms hits. It's knowing what I'm experiencing in order to make informed decisions about the people I choose to have around me.

This is a good thread and important. Welcome to the forum.
Peace,
Rain

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Hi Chincho,

For along time I would test people after a while of friendship, to see if they were "true" friends. Never in my opinion were they true friends. I got rid of everybody in my life. Yes some I miss, and I wonder if they miss me too. But I didn't want anybody in my life that didn't pass the test as a "real" friend. The background to that behavior I guess stemmed from abandonment at a young age, raised my self, seen a lot of lowlife street living, was burned many times, stole from, lied to you name it. Anyway, I didn't want to invest my time in people who weren't in it for real friendship, because I was. If someone proves their loyalty to me they will get a TRUE friend for life. I think a lot of people blur the lines of friendship and acquaintances. I don't think it's that important to most people because they already have their family, close family friends and the like, I guess outside friendship is just not seen as so important to many people.

Now I don't really care anymore. People are people. From my years of experimenting to find a "real" friend, I come to realize it probably doesn't exist. I see most people as just phonies. People play the stupidest games and use other people for the dumbest reasons. I really lost my faith in people period. If I was willing to be phony and play the stupid games that people play I could have flocks of friends. And I know how to play those games very well if I wanted. I just can't live that shallow type existence. I'd rather be real to myself and have no friends. I'm accustomed to being my own best friend. However, I guess I failed at that too.

To answer your questions, yes I've behaved badly and lost friends, maybe the true ones that I didn't get around to testing. And yes, I've alternated between caring for the loss of that friendship, and the thought that I was better off without them.

I'm trying to get back to a place where I'm capable of meeting and making friends again. I'm not there yet. But when I do get better enough to start interacting with people again. I will have few to zero expectations of anybody. I will just take the casual acquaintances as they come, and try to enjoy the company of others. Being in isolation, having nobody, as I have come to find out, is no fun at all!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi-

This is a good topic. I picked alot of toxic people who did'nt know boundries. Having good boundries make friendships last.
the last friend I had left me alone for a year after her husband left her to have an affair. I talked to her about that. I asked to write her a note. She wrote one back to me. It was toxic so I ignored it. i never heard from her again.

I only have 2 friends but it is mostly phone calls that we stay in touch. I attribute our being friends to having good boundries. We ask and respect the personhood of the other. I picked alot of toxic people before, I did'nt know how to take good care of myself with people before. I figured I outgrew them.

I am really picky about who my friends are now. Thanks for bringing this topic up.

 

[AngelaMarie]

The people that are out of my life I don't miss. If there were 100 people in a room I would be able to pick out the most toxic person to have a relationship with. I got involved with my family over and over. Like Flying Solo I was abandoned at a young age and really didn't recover. The worst part of the situation is that these parents that abandoned me would show up when they felt like it and confuse me.

I have a problem with people in my past (probably always will) and it takes me a very long time to trust, but I do know there are good people out there. The forum is proof of that.

I really have to think more about this question.

Your english was great by the way. I don't know what your first language is but you did VERY well.:)

I hope this post made sense!:confused:

 

[TeddySue]

I am really picky about who my friends are now.

I feel better when I don't have to deal with friendships. If a "friend" gets too close I back up and run the other way.

I do admit that it hurts seeing the others in such close friendships, knowing I could never do it. I bounce between, NO ONE cares, and GET AWAY from me because I am suffocating.

People just have no idea how to handle me. My only "friends" are long-distance and we email and talk on the phone once in awhile. That's as close as I want to get. My children are different; they are a part of me and I need them in my life.

 

[maddog]

I do very much relate to what the OP said. In my case, the conflicted feelings of relief and loss when the person is not with me (it needn't actually be the result of the friendship having ended, but may simply be any period of apartness) pretty much mirror my endless go away/come here conflict that I experience in relation to engaging with people in the first place.

It's not rocket science to understand that greatly disrupted childhood attachments, almost nonexistent modelling of safe interpersonal relationships and a whole range of other crazy variables are at the heart of my dilemma, but resolving it, understanding it fully or experiencing any degree of peace about what, if anything, I actually want from people in my life, feel a long way away from me right now.

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

I relate a lot to flying solo's journey with no friends.

I came to the conclusion that it is no fun to have no friends. It was fine for a while, and self-isolating can feel like the best and only option at certain points, however, having been there and done that, as much as I find people phony and distasteful much of the time, I also do need them, and I also believe that what I see in others is a reflection of me.

What that means is that I am also phony in some ways, and all the things I see in them that I don't like!

I work with my own shadow, and want to learn to accept and integrate all parts of my, both 'good' and 'bad' and everything in between. I have started to let more people be friends, but I am still supremely choosy about it...which I think is a good thing.

I don't play the games they play though, and friends of mine who try to know that I won't play along. There is one woman I have been this close to pressing the button to make the floor fall out from under her and she disappears, for a while now, as she plays these ridiculous games that females like to play where I'm supposed to read her mind and just tell her what she wants to hear despite it being a total lie.

I don't play along with that and she ends up putting some guilt thing on me for "upsetting' her, and in this way I am not like other women, whilst being one.

I still like to keep friendships to a minimum though. I'm not looking for loads of friendships, though I could have them if I really wanted more. Right now I focus more on quality as opposed to quantity. That's what is important to me...having friends who are good for me to be around and don't f*ck up too much or impose their crap on me.

With any friendship it's important to work out at regular intervals whether the friendship is serving you in some way, and if not...then let it go. I don't believe in hanging on to people just because you've known each other for ages...but then again, it isn't easy to let them go if you have known them for ages, as emotionally we tend to get attached to people as humans.

I think it's also good to realize that although you open yourself to being hurt, everyone does hurt others at some point, including yourself, so it's just a part of life. Depending on how hurt you have been in early life though, I can see how that is much harder to reconcile with the dynamics of push/pull, and not so easily overcome.

 

[Anna]

Yes. I am paranoid and quite often push people away without realising it. My distrust of other people doesn't help. Worst is my high standards, most people cannot live up to them. I find it hard with people as most seem to be very egocentric, shallow and rude.

I choose my friends very wisely now. I wish I had done in the past.

 

[TeddySue]

The people I have known "for ages," I come to find out they were not friend material after all. I find that through the time of knowing them I had become a sounding board for them with me receiving nothing from the "friendship." And when they find out what type of person I really am, they are confused. I don't allow people to really know me. I can be a friend, but it's all phony and eventually I get tired of these one-sided attempts at being a friend and just walk away.

 

[Bubba]

I do admit that it hurts seeing the others in such close friendships, knowing I could never do it. I bounce between, NO ONE cares, and GET AWAY from me because I am suffocating.

Yes - it's that infinite struggle between wishing people would notice and talk to me and being deathly afraid if they try. I don't have any true close friends. I have a couple that I talk to maybe 2 times a year. My books, my tv, my children and my puppies are my best friends. And I think they are enough for now.

I am 42 and there is so much that I want to accomplish. I had my children very young (at age 20 & 22) - so now they are growing up and I have the time to do what I really want to do. I have dreams of writing a book or two (actually have 4 different ones already in my head). I LOVE my job - I have the best boss ever and I am a part of something that I believe in. In fact the company is partnering with the Lone Survivor Foundation - a foundation that supports our soldiers and families and PTSD - so something that I can truly relate to and want to support (BTW - my boss does NOT now that I have PTSD).

With just both of those things, I don't think I really have room for close friendships or relationships. I think I will be much happier just being alone - at least for right now.

Reading everyone's posts - it seems that relationships are truly the hardest part of this disorder - and rightly so as they can cause so much stress thru miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Great subject to ponder! Thanks for posting this!