Worried About New View Of Dissociation.

[Helliepig]

I think part of my problem with accepting my dissociation is that I don't feel I have childhood trauma. So I just feel stupid and like I've failed to learn adult responses.

I think I need to discuss my childhood with someone, to make sense of it.

I thought the same for a long time. Then I learnt differently. Sometimes dissociation is so strong you have no idea of what actually caused it, either it's too tucked away or happens too young. There will be a cause somewhere. You don't just develp defenses like this for the fun of it.

 

[ericaboo]

Until that is clear though, you are, to start with, relativelydefenceless because dissociation stops you assessing the risk, feeling anything..

I dissociate when my boss shows the slightest irritation during a conversation, even when it's nothing I did wrong, or perhaps I'm even imagining his irritation at times! Then I suddenly become useless. My cognitive abilities drop, my focus is gone, sometimes I can't even remember what we were talking about... Sometimes I'll just start nervously rattling on about something totally trivial that is a total waste of his valuable time.

I think this is becoming a pet peeve for him, so it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. My paranoia of irritating someone in authority causes me to behave in a maladaptive way, then causing an actual issue with that person.

I'm fortunate to be in a process of healing, and to have a fairly patient boss, but this is a serious problem to contend with... I could possibly lose my job - so yes - there's a vulnerability there.

STRATEGY: Right now, I bring notes of everything we may need to talk about in short bullet points, and sometimes I will write down everything we talk about - just to help me stay present. This often works, but if I start to dissociate, my writing skills become so "drunken" I am unable to continue on with it. I wonder if this kind of strategy could help during therapy sessions - I'm going to have to try it.

STRATEGY: Take 5 minutes before the meeting to pep talk myself and remember that the worst thing that can happen is not that bad, and concentrate on the goals and reasons why we are meeting and the importance of being controlled and focused on getting the goals accomplished, and getting on to the rest of my day. Be over prepared for the meeting, but also prepared to just discuss what is important to him.

STRATEGY: Realize that it's OK for him to get irritated, he can own that, I can ignore unless he specifically requests I do something differently.

Absolutely, it's about the little kid in me, terrified. Which things way back when made me feel so helpless? How do I tell myself that it's OK now, and I'm grown up and I can walk away from any truly unsafe or inappropriate situation if I choose.

I don't have to disappear into nowhere land... but I still do. I guess I have to learn how to make a conscious choice and have the skills to stay present but right now it doesn't seem to be very much in my control. Progress is painfully slow.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I thought the same for a long time. Then I learnt differently. Sometimes dissociation is so strong you have no idea of what actually caused it, either it's too tucked away or happens too young. There will be a cause somewhere. You don't just develp defenses like this for the fun of it.

I don't feel any emotional bond to my mother, so I was always independent and kept myself to myself. My father put a lot of pressure on us to be what he wanted (though I don't know what that is). But he has a thing about facing fears, he says there's only something to fear if you panic and he used to push us to climb cliffs, walk through fields of cows, or once he held me down and got the dog to jump over my face after her toy (because I was afraid of dogs). But that wasn't him being abusive, I think he genuinely believed it would toughen us up. He was a policeman, and I guess he saw the bad stuff in the world.

But I think I am a bit of a wimp, I don't like heights, thrill rides, planes etc (the list is very long). So maybe I just learned to dissociate because it was how I was taught to face fears. But maybe a little bit because my mother is very uncomfortable with emotions. But maybe nothing big.

 

[maddog]

Erica, I really, really "liked" your post, it resonated deeply with me. I have a boss who is very significant to me for a whole range of reasons, and whose approval I very desperately, very childishly yearn for all of the time. It's embarrassing, very confronting, but it's real. Unfortunately, as with all of the significant relationships in my life, they are prone to make me very dissociative very quickly, which is something I am only recently coming to terms with, and when this happens I tend to behave exactly as you describe.

Your strategies are similar to those I am trying to employ, and they are hard work, sometimes more successful than others. Trying to just accept that I'm ok as who I am, and doing the best I can, and secure enough in the relationships around me, is a huge, ever confronting challenge right now, but one I am having to work hard to address.

Maddog

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm afraid I'm not that far advanced in acceptance, let alone management techniques. So well done both of you.

 

[ericaboo]

Unfortunately, as with all of the significant relationships in my life, they are prone to make me very dissociative very quickly, which is something I am only recently coming to terms with, and when this happens I tend to behave exactly as you describe

I'm glad you found some commonality there, it's a lonely path... When I was younger my strategy was to just decide to dislike everyone enough so they couldn't get past my wall. That wasn't very successful, in fact I was pretty combative and dealt with a lot of consequences of that.

Now, as an older, humbler Erica, I actually treasure the people who I believe can provide opportunity and mentoring, but that makes me needy and vulnerable around them. I brings me right back into the child/parent scenario which is a very unhealthy world for me.

I actually have several people at work who become that way around me which provides one heck of a mirror - I'm in awe and thankful for that perspective, but can't fix their situation - I get a little irritated myself haha, but I definitely "get it."

I'm trying very hard to learn to deal with the wise and important people in order to get in life what I've missed for all these years. I have to be "there" during those precious moments I have to spend with the important people in my life.

I knew about this problem before I knew about PTSD or dissociation - now I just have new names, and hopefully some new, more effective strategies.

Best,

Erica

 

[Meadowsweet]

I actually treasure the people who I believe can provide opportunity and mentoring, but that makes me needy and vulnerable around them.

Erica, until I got away from the last lot of abuse (not that long ago) I looked up to people and wanted to learn everything they knew. To do that, I would unconciously act more stupid, ditzy or childlike.

I think it is a mixture of genuine neediness of the child inside, and the fear and manipulation of the abused person. I use the word manipulative in the kindest way - it's just that when a controller sees someone stupid they are more comfortable and just use cruel words, but if a controller sees someone intelligent, they feel threatened and get angry.

But by acting like that, I believe I attracted people who saw a potential victim and I let them too close. It cost me more abuse and put my life and the well being of my children at risk.

Now I fear showing vulnerability at all, so have gone the opposite way - I put immense pressure on myself to act intelligent, independent and like I have everything under control.

But what is behind the intelligent, independent persona is the same fears and issues as were behind the childlike, needy persona.

Everybody has the potential for wisdom and mistakes in them. I've come to the conclusion that it is worth listening to everybody equally and then accepting the words as useful or not useful on a day by day basis. This protects me from being taken in by people, but it also opens my ears to people who say things without ever thinking about themselves (or acting) wise.

I'm not entirely sure if any of this is related to dissociation, is it? Maybe this is something that I'm missing.

The nature of dissociation that scares me most is the type that takes away my ability to think or feel emotion. My mind goes blank and I really don't understand what is happening to me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

It is food for thought. Maybe the acting daft in front of authority is the same kind of dissociation as the complete blank of thought and emotion, but on a sliding scale.

If it is, it could be an early warning sign for me.