Being Totally Honest

[piratelady]

I think I have seen a few threads about this on the forum. I started seeing my new therapist a few weeks ago. In my first appointment, I lied to him. I told him that the abuse I endured was only emotional. When he asked if it was physical, I said no. On the following appointment, I told him the truth.

I have not mentioned to him that am a cutter. I had not cut since mid-June. My rational was that since I had not cut since then, if I was able to stop cutting I figured it was not necessary to mention it. Well, I fell off the wagon today.

I emailed my therapist and he was able to get me in tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to admit to being a cutter. I can barely utter those words. I am not so horribly stressed or upset to justify my actions. Yes things are hard but I should't have fallen. Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to talk about this tomorrow or what I'm going to say.

 

[Nighthawk]

When I cut I said nothing I just left the cuts visible and drew my T attention to it. He brought up the rest.

On the side of being honest I have not done very well at doing that myself lately. Something I'll be putting on the back burner for now.

 

[Smushroom]

Out of all the issues I have and the things I talk to my T about, self harm is the one thing I simply cannot talk about. The shame eats away at my very core. I usually harm myself on my legs/tummy, places that can't be seen, but have started on my arms lately. I just get this wave of emotion that won't go away until I've done something.

I stopped in 2007 and was so proud of myself that I hadn't done it for years. Then I did it once last year and thought no, I won't do it again. And then I did do it again, and made the same promise to myself and broke that and then the vicious cycle started.

The past 2 weeks have been ok. I had been doing it daily, several times a day, but now that I have read your thread, Ive noticed that I have not done it as much.

I really feel for you. Tomorrow will be so hard. If it is easier, perhaps write something down before hand and either hand it to your T or if you feel like you can, read it aloud.

I can only email my T about this issue, although if she sees an injury on me, she always says 'You've been cutting again?' What am I supposed to reply to that? I just mumble or shrug it off or say nothing. She waits for a response but never seems to get anything. I don't know whether she is asking that as a question or making a statement.

Big hugs for you for tomorrow. Wish i could say something more constructive, but know that you are not alone in how you feel in this.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Even though I haven't cut in 10 years, I still feel so afraid and ashamed of admitting it. It's hard to admit it to myself. I try not to think about it. Telling my T about it was terrifying. Admitting that I still have urges occasionally was even more so. But a good T I think is someone who listens and doesn't judge. Wants what is best for you as a person, rather than labeling you as 'crazy', 'abuse victim' or anything else. For now I think it would be natural for him to assess the threat to yourself, but also listen to your feelings. I imagine he will guide the conversation and all you'll need to do is simply respond to his prompts. I wish you support and luck though. I know how hard this situation is. Don't beat yourself up. Cutting can become a habit as much as any coping mechanism, and can become very difficult to resist no matter the circumstances. Keep trying, keep addressing it. Try not to be ashamed, that makes it worse.

 

[Smushroom]

I agree with it being a habbit as well, i definitely think that is part of my problem. It became a habit, just like smoking, and is the one thing I first turn to doing without thinking of other coping techniques. It really is like an addictive drug...

 

[piratelady]

I don't typically cut where it is visible. I cut on my legs mostly. My first therapist knew I was a cutter. He would ask me if I had cut, I would just nod yes and leave it at that. I am never good at talking about this. The part that bugs me is that I used to only cut when I was seriously overwhelmed with emotion. Today I was not. I am sad...depressed, but not to much to merit cutting. Yet I did. I don't know how I will explain that to him. I think you guys are right, it is addictive.

I have always felt more awkward reading things. I am thinking, maybe I should just email him and then he can bring it up? The downside to that is I can't chicken out of talking about it, lol.

Thank you all for the support, I really appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Throw out the shoulds.... along with the woulds and the coulds. They only serve to make us feel bad.

I know it's shameful. Most people think I stopped years ago, but the thruth is that I relapse every so often. It's weird... I only have an episode when my ruminations are out of control. SI stops it immediately, but even in the following days and weeks my ruminations are much improved. It's kinda odd.

 

[lisamarie]

I cut for years....then stopped for about ten years and had one "relapse" on cutting about three months ago. Thankfully it was a one-time thing and I haven't acted on it since.

I don't feel a lot of shame about cutting because I feel like I have been thru so much crap that it is an understandable - yet dysfunctional - reaction. In fact, I work in the human services field and I disclose to my patients that I used to cut -- where appropriate, obviously. That's how little shame I feel about it. Just my perspective.

 

[piratelady]

Most people think I stopped years ago, but the truth is that I relapse every so often. It's weird... I only have an episode when my ruminations are out of control. SI stops it immediately, but even in the following days and weeks my ruminations are much improved. It's kinda odd.

So, people in your life know you SI?..or used to?

Yes, the SI does tend to stop the ruminations. Maybe my focus when I see therapist tomorrow should be on other methods to stop my ruminating thoughts, rather than on the SI....that would be a much easier conversation.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ohhhhhh they know, they ALL know. That I used to SI, that is. I feel no need to call in the guards when I just burned myself for the first time in a year and a half and have no plans on continuing.

I went to the SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) treatment program. It was once in Chicago, then in Texas, now it's in St Louis I believe. It broke the addiction/compulsion (I was cutting 3+ times a day), but unfortunately it was a traumatic experience (what happened to me was outside of standard treatment), so I'm split as to whether or not I'd actually recommend the program.

 

[piratelady]

Well, I chickened out and did not tell him about the self harm. We did talk about my feelings about my mom. Basically we talked about what caused me to cut. I really need to establish boundaries with her and we have to work on my self-esteem. I made a joke that I was hoping to buy some at the store, but they were out. Lol. I am still not sure if I really need to tell him about the cutting.

 

[kers]

You do need to tell him about the cutting, but you will do it when you're ready. When you are able to make that leap of trust with him, you'll blurt it out.

I relate a lot because your post describes the early days of my treatment. Therapist asked about abuse, I said no, nothing like that...and a few weeks later again I said, well, I did almost get choked to death, does that count? Some thing with the cutting, I denied it when he asked, but I felt so guilty that I went in the next week and admitted I'd lied.

Therapists get lied to all the time--mostly because we are ashamed of things. They get this, and they don't feel the emotions we do about it. When you're able to tell, he will take it in stride and help you decide what it means in your life.