Pity Parties

[Deleted member 12723]

Nicolette, I was not referring to people on the forum, sorry I did not make myself more clear. I have had it used on me like a club, from individuals in my life. The forum is a safe place to me. I like the way things are done here. Hope this clears this up for you.

 

[Philippa]

I thought that's what you meant too Gizmo. I didn't read what you said as meaning it was being thrown around here on this forum.

 

[Meadowsweet]

While it is never intended to use 'derogatory terms', I think you are starting to understand where we are coming from. IMO a 'pity party' is an expression of behaviour and not a derogatory term.... but that's just me.

In its literal meaning it indicates that somebody feeling pity is enjoying it as a recreation and in company. Is that the behaviour that you are talking about? (ps, I can't find a non-straight way of asking that question, and am concerned you will interpret it as a challenge. It is a literal question because I don't know if this is a behaviour).

On another point, I think if you only use the term to individuals and in those extremes of circumstances, then its ok.

But if I've heard the word used as a generalisation to suggest there is a common 'group' of people who are having pity parties. And if the use of the word has led me to question myself at the wrong time. Then the word has been used in the wrong context.

 

[Philippa]

It's used to describe a persons behaviour, but it is generally intended to say that the person is being wimpy and sooky, and in that way is not exaclty a neutral comment.

It's saying "We don't like the way you are pitying yourself here and trying to get sympathy, it's making us uncomfortable...please stop it...and pull your socks up."

 

[Shellbell]

I believe the term pity party to be used to describe people who want and enjoy feeling sorry for themselves.

I have a friend who states quite catagorically that she has had, and continues to have an easy, straight forward, relatively stress free, completely trauma free life, with wonderful parents and a loving husband, healthy children, financially well off and no real worries at all in life, but constantly finds life difficult and feeds on negativity and moans a lot about little things. She completely acknowledges all this herself and describes herself as a 'cup half empty' person. She would readily agree that she has pity parties. I wonder if it is undiagnosed mild depression.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe we should just temp ban those on the forum who appear to be throwing themselves pity parties until they're in a better place, then they can come back? That way we get rid of this riff-raff pity-party negativity nonsense!

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have a friend who states quite catagorically that she has had, and continues to have an easy, straight forward, relatively stress free, completely trauma free life, with wonderful parents and a loving husband, healthy children, financially well off and no real worries at all in life

I think in some respects, my feelings are quite wrongly, that people making a fuss about a minor problem like a break up after a couple of months, not looking right etc, are self pitying. But I do try to analyse myself first, because I know I can be wrong.

But what you've said here reminds of the dangers of words like this.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes I know what you mean. I accept my friend to be as she is. I don't judge her, she judges herself. She knows she has issues with being negative and readily admits she has a blessed and charmed life. She just struggles.

But, she is also a really good friend, who cares about other people too. And, at the end of the day, we all have our issues and negative sides to our personalities. Well except me of course :roflmao: :D

 

[Nicolette]

In its literal meaning it indicates that somebody feeling pity is enjoying it as a recreation and in company. Is that the behaviour that you are talking about?

To me, used expressively, the party does not refer to 'recreation' in a fun sense but in a celebration or event of 'negativity'. As the saying goes "Negativity feeds on itself".... its like dragging people into a negative environment or using negativity to get people to respond and pay attention.

From the Oxford Dictionaries: an instance of indulging in self-pity or eliciting pity from other people

And here is their example: I’m not going to throw a pity party—I don’t think many people would show up

To which you would expect people to say "of course I'd turn up to your party" and hence the person having the 'pity party' manipulates to get attention.

I don't take some written words as deeply and as literally as you may Meadowsweet - maybe its cultural?!:wacky:

 

[Nicolette]

I believe the term pity party to be used to describe people who want and enjoy feeling sorry for themselves.

And perhaps those unknowingly caught in a vortex as well?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't take some written words as deeply and as literally as you may Meadowsweet - maybe its cultural?!:wacky:

Yes. i think perhaps this part of the opening post may have been overlooked:

It might be that it is a common expression in other countries. I've only ever heard it used on PTSD forums, so I probably look at it a bit too literally.

I think the meaning of pity party is clearer now. What has come across to me, is that the context that people use the phrase can make the difference to whether it is the most appropriate wording, or whether the user could find a more appropriate expression.

 

[Hashi]

I am thinking hmmmm.

What's bothering me here is that

(a) "Pity party" is aimed at someone else - whether you see that as their behaviour, attitude, stuckness or whatever. It's not about your reactions - eg, "I'm frustrated/upset/worried/angry/exhausted/feel manipulated etc". Surely, a healthy approach is based on expressing your own feelings and setting your own boundaries without needing to label or "correct" someone else?

(b) It isn't factual, it's emotive. For example, you're not saying something like "I've tried to help you with this six times and I feel like you won't listen to what I say". You're saying something more like, "You're over-pitying yourself. Stop it." I still don't understand why someone feels in a position to make this judgement and respond in this way.

I recently responded - with an objection - to a thread where someone had used the term "pity party" in relation to the original poster. I don't believe the original poster had signed up to the "I'd rather be told I'm having a pity party it if that's what's good for me" manifesto, and in fact they'd already made that clear themselves. Apparently it wasn't believed that things could be so bad for the original poster as they had portrayed. I think the real pity was that a dismissive phrase replaced what could have been a genuine discussion about this.

I personally think it's a phrase on the same level of helpfulness as "Just get over it".