Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Shellbell]

I have given forgiveness a lot of thought with regard to whether I will ever actually achieve full and true healing.

As a person who has experienced severe abuse from many different people, including my parents, this seems like an impossible task. Most of the time I feel they ansolutely do not deserve to be forgiven. How can I forgive them for such evil acts of horrendous abuse.

But, I do have that niggling feeling that by holding onto any negative emotions towards them, will ever only every continue to hurt me.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what they did. It doesn't mean minimising what they did. It doesn't mean they deserve forgiveness. It doesn't mean I need to have contact with them. It doesn't mean I need an apology from them. It doesn't mean I have to like them, or have any positive feelings about them.

It does means fully accepting how horrendously they hurt me, but that I don't need to hold onto the hate I have for them - which only serves to hurt me and ultimately not fully heal.

Forgiveness is about ME - needing to let go of the negative hold they will always have over me if I don't forgive them and move on.

I'm so far from forgiving my abusers, but wondered what other people's views are on this?

 

[maddog]

I think you've nailed it really Shellbell, forgiveness on matters of this nature isn't about the other person, it's about you. In that way, I think that "forgiveness" is probably the wrong word, as it does, at least colloquially, imply that you should remove any feelings of blame and negativity from the abuser, both in your own mind and in terms of any future dealings you have with that person.

I think what we need to strive for is acceptance. It shares in common with forgiveness the element of letting go of struggling with the past, but it allows you to hold onto blame and informed separation from your abuser if that's what is right for you, or it may indeed involve conscious forgiveness that has been reached through full and frank coming to terms with the abuse, rather than an any arbitrary goal that you feel you"should" reach.

Being careful to speak only of my personal circumstances here (as everyone's are acutely different), it's acceptance of the horror, brutality, wrongness and... yes... the unforgiveable nature of what was done. In the absence of some fairly heavy duty extenuating circumstance, I do believe that prolonged abuse of another human being, particularly a child, is unforgiveable, and so finding acceptance in myself is about finding that belief and certainly not attempting to apply forgiveness where it does not belong.

The goal of acceptance is all for you. It's being at peace with what happened, with your true role in what happened, with what it has done to you, and with what is, and is not, within your power to control now. In making peace with your past, I believe it gives you permission and ability to build your future, a future in which you are in control of the feelings, thoughts and indeed the contact you have with those responsible for harming you.

Does all of this sound insultingly simple to achieve? Yes, sadly I think it does. Personally I'm still slogging along that journey, and will continue to do so for who knows how long, but I know what I'd like to achieve, and some of the ways I'm planning on trying to get there, and forgiving the people who so senselessly wronged me isn't one of those ways. Forgiving myself, however, definitely is...

Sorry if this didn't answer your question at all. I think this is a deeply emotive and very personal issue which will play out differently for everyone, but I do strongly believe that the notion that we should forgive in order to heal ourselves is tinged with some very dangerous insinuations about responsibility, and I believe those lines should never be blurred. If people choose to forgive, then that's absolutely fine, because it's their conscious, informed choice which is no doubt the result of a process of integrating and "processing" past events. But the moment forgiveness feels like an obligation, I believe it throws up a red flag that should be heded.

Just my thoughts. I know, I truly know, how much this one hurts.

Maddog

 

[Shellbell]

Yes the word itself 'forgiveness' does seem the wrong word to use, but I guess only if the word is thought of in a negative, emotive way by the sufferer.

It's like the word 'discipline' related to children - that conjurs up negatively emotive connotations for lots of people, it did with me, until I started to think of the word as a teaching, guiding all in a loving manner. 'Behaviour management' is now the more acceptable term to use, but it is the same thing. It's still 'teaching' children at the end of the day. Discipline of children is only thought of as negative due to the parents that used it incorrectly. Self-discipline always seems to be okay to use though, so that's interesting.

I think just trying to get my head around the word forgiveness, and learn not associate with society's and my own negative reactions to it in terms of abuse and abusers, is enough for me to deal with at the moment.

And forgiving ourselves, that's another issues that lots of us struggle with so much with due to the levels of shame and guilt and lack of self worth wrongly imposed on us, none of which is ours to own and feel, but we do none the less and it hurts us so badly.

I just wonder whether I can have all the PTSD counselling in the world, but still never truly fully heal, without 'letting go' and getting to that place of indifference almost in my thoughts and emotions to my abusers abusers, will ultimately achieve full healing.

 

[Philippa]

I feel the same way, but it is hard, and it's not something that is just a matter of saying...right, I've decided to forgive them, therefore, they're forgiven. It's a process, and it can be a life long process for some.

Being willing to forgive is what opens us up to it though, and you're right, forgive them for you, not for their sake. They don't deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to be free from punishing yourself by not forgiving them, because you are the one continuing the abuse with the negativity in the end. They aren't affected by it at all.

 

[Philippa]

I like the frame of thinking outside of the 'blame game', as it can be empowering to step outside of that and see that yes, they were responsable for what they did to me, but by continuing to blame them, I am stuck in victim mode, which only hurts me and prevent me from living the sort of life i deserve, which is an empowered life.

Hold them accountable sure, but blaming only holds you back.

I still struggle with this tendency from time to time, but I know there is a higher road to be taken, as I've been on it before, through my healing journey. It is possible to be at peace with them and their actions and rise above it all.

 

[Shellbell]

Absolutely Phillipa. I really do not believe that forgiveness is about lessoning what they did, it's about fully accepting what they did and rightly giving them the FULL blame for it. But not holding on to the negative feelings and that is what forgiveness truly is. It is NOTHING to do with them and ALL to do with us - the sufferers.

But, I also agree fully with Maddog who stated that if it feels like a duty - then that's not forgiveness and not healthy and its is also totally okay to not be in a place where we feel we can achieve it either. It is a long long hard process.

Even though I can fully see the merits in forgiveness, I am far far from it. But I do hope to achieve that true peace it will bring some day.

 

[Philippa]

Oh yeah, only when it feels like you are really ready, and it is totally valid to be unforgiving as well. That can hold a certain power in itself. Ultimately though, if peace is your end goal, then forgiveness is something to consider being open to at some point.

 

[Shellbell]

I guess there is also an argument that if forgiveness ever achieved, then the abusers are still holding power (even if its just a little bit) over you as you won't have true peace if any negative emotions towards them still exist.

I also wonder if it is the reason so many never truly have peace in their life following abuse.

I googled this and there is so much written on it. It is definitely food for thought.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Acceptance, yes; forgiveness, no.

My pastor let me borrow an awesome book on forgiveness. It says that the process is much like the stages of grief. Yes, you're all probably assuming that since its a Christian book that it preaches forgiveness for everything, but it doesn't. It stresses that an important part of forgiveness is an element of justice, that something wronged was righted in some manor.

My pastor told me that forgiveness can be healthy, but there's nothing wrong if I've attempted to forgive and just can't. Once I get to this point, I've thrown it into gods hands. I've moved on and don't waste any more time thinking about that person.

But a lot of people preach forgiveness at any cost. I think this is revictimization, and you don't want to even get me started on that! (IMHO its those who twist religion to their own liking, hijacking it for their own purposes.)

Think about it...what about the woman who gets beaten by her husband every day. Telling her to forgive him each time potentially keeps her in an abusive situation and puts the blame on her! Is this healthy? No, not really.

Every situation is different. I can't forgive my molester, but I don't EVER think about her, blame her, etc. She caused my PTSD, but she's in the past. I've already moved on; forgiveness wouldn't change anything.

And I disagree that forgiveness is required for peace.

 

[Shellbell]

Acceptance, yes; forgiveness, no.

Think about it...what about the woman who gets beaten by her husband every day. Telling her to forgive him each time potentially keeps her in an abusive situation and puts the blame on her! Is this healthy? No, not really.

Forgiveness definitely isn't about staying in a domestic violence relationship. It is absolutely necessary to leave a situation like that.

 

[ms spock]

No, I don't think forgiveness is necessary.

I have let it go and it doesn't worry me now.

For me forgiveness has religious and ideological overtones that don't suit my healing process.

 

[ms spock]

But, I do have that niggling feeling that by holding onto any negative emotions towards them, will ever only every continue to hurt me.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what they did. It doesn't mean minimising what they did. It doesn't mean they deserve forgiveness. It doesn't mean I need to have contact with them. It doesn't mean I need an apology from them. It doesn't mean I have to like them, or have any positive feelings about them.

It does means fully accepting how horrendously they hurt me, but that I don't need to hold onto the hate I have for them - which only serves to hurt me and ultimately not fully heal.

Forgiveness is about ME - needing to let go of the negative hold they will always have over me if I don't forgive them and move on.

To me this is too simplistic. I don't find this type of thinking helpful to my own healing process. If it works for you, then great.

I think that this type of thinking just gets me in a double bind. Things ebb and flow, feelings come and go.

I feel you don't need to get rid of your negative emotions, you need to be aware of them, but you don't have to give those negative emotions power by trying to get rid of them or put them in a box. With time they just go. They might pop up now and then but, with living life, you have other things that occupy your mind and it doesn't feature.

You don't have to set up conditions for your healing. If I don't do this perfectly or this way or to this extent I won't heal. I don't find that helpful thinking.

It is pretty much gone now for me. Trying to deny it or push it away seems to make those feelings stay longer. I have known a couple of people get hung up on forgiveness and waste considerable amounts of time trying to get themselves to "forgive".

But each to their own.