Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[p-no]

I do think forgiveness is necessary.

I, too, was abused by my mother, other family members, uncles, other relatives, "partners" and men outside my family.

To me, forgiveness is letting go of my desire for revenge or retaliation.

I found this somewhere:

Forgiveness is not a focus while being in the process of remembering and learning to come to terms with trauma. At that stage, lamenting and accusing the perpetrators can be a lot more important than forgiveness.Those are part of the road that leads back to a life worth living. It is only at the end of therapy, when having come to terms with their abuse, when being able to take up full responsibility for their own life today, that a person can let go of their desire for revenge or retaliation.

This is true for me. I have not yet forgiven my ex-husband, I am definitely only at the beginning of lamenting and accusing. But from a lot of my other abuse I can say that I forgave. As you say, that has nothing to do with them, but solely with me. There comes a time when I just didn't want to hold on to them. In my view, if you don't forgive, they're still in your life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Forgiveness definitely isn't about staying in a domestic violence relationship.

You misunderstand me. My point is that forgiveness is pushed to the point where it's unhealthy. Forgive at any cost just because you're told you need to do so? No, not really. There are PLENTY of religious counselors who stress forgiveness because that's what God wants you to do. This is why I think that it's dangerous to tell people they need to forgive if they want to heal.

 

[Shellbell]

Its must be a great place to be in Ms Spock, to have let it all go :tup: You must feel such a sense of peace.

I think eventually 'letting it all go' for me - is my idea of forgiveness.

 

[Shellbell]

You misunderstand me. My point is that forgiveness is pushed to the point where it's unhealthy. Forgive at any cost just because you're told you need to do so? No, not really. There are PLENTY of religious counselors who stress forgiveness because that's what God wants you to do. This is why I think that it's dangerous to tell people they need to forgive if they want to heal.

I think you mis-interpret me too. I've not stated it is anything to do with religion. I've not said at any cost. I agree that would be very unhealthy.

And it's not about being 'pushed' to the point of anything. It's about me wanting to find that for myself, in time, when I am able to 'let it all go', so I have no negative feelings any more and therefore, they have no further control over my life in any way. That will be my true peace and therefore, my true healing. Whether I can ever achive that is a different matter.

 

[Shellbell]

I do think forgiveness is necessary.

There comes a time when I just didn't want to hold on to them. In my view, if you don't forgive, they're still in your life.

That is a very good point. I don't want 'them' to be in my life in any way.

 

[ms spock]

Perhaps we need a new word and a new concept.

I don't have any need or desire for retaliation or revenge, but to get to that place I didn't need to forgive.

My experience is that I haven't got time for my family in my life and I live without being in relation to them. I have found my own space.

I might have a different path and journey to you prime no, but my healing process is just as valid as yours, in my view.

 

[ms spock]

Its must be a great place to be in Ms Spock, to have let it all go :tup: You must feel such a sense of peace.

I think eventually 'letting it all go' for me - is my idea of forgiveness.

It is good Shellbell,

That spaciousness is rather nice. I have other things on my mind though, these days, I am living my life, doing all the things that part of that.

I wish you well on your journey Shellbell.

 

[Shellbell]

I think some people will prefer the term 'letting it go' to forgiveness. It is an emotive word for some. But in the term 'letting it go' - it has to be all absolutely gone to have true inner peace, with no niggling emotions, or negative residue left.

My ultimate aim in all of this is for 'them' to have no part in my life at all. For true inner peace.

 

[ms spock]

when I am able to 'let it all go', so I have no negative feelings any more

Buddhist masters do a life time of meditation to get to this point. I most likely, will never be a buddhist master and perhaps some people on these forums won't be buddhist masters either. I don't see having negative feelings as being bad or wrong. They are just feelings that will pass as time goes on.

therefore, they have no further control over my life in any way. That will be my true peace and therefore, my true healing.

It doesn't mean that because you have the occasional negative feeling about your family that they control your life. From what I have seen repressing feelings means people are more in the grip of their abusers than the occasional negative feeling. You don't have to be perfect, have true peace and reach such a high level. You can be you, and a normal human, not a buddhist master.

I think realistic expectations are easier to live with and manage rather than putting pressure on your self to reach some form of perfection.

 

[ms spock]

I think some people will prefer the term 'letting it go' to forgiveness.

Letting it go I can go with, for sure.

Maybe we can write out a good definition of what "Letting it Go" means one of these days. A work in progress for each person to change to suit their life, their current context, their life journey or ongoing healing process.

 

[Philippa]

Think about it...what about the woman who gets beaten by her husband every day. Telling her to forgive him each time potentially keeps her in an abusive situation and puts the blame on her! Is this healthy? No, not really.

That sort of forgiveness is definitely not healthy,a nd is really just enabling the person to continue abusing. Getting yourself out of the situation first is the appropriate action to take, and then later, sometimes much later, be able to release yourself from the bad feelings it leaves you with.

And I disagree that forgiveness is required for peace.

Ok, that's your right to disagree. I don't see how peace can occur without at least some sense of forgiveness though. I mean, you can intellectually put the person out of your mind, but if you are carrying around anger or hatred in your cellular memory, then how can you feel at peace unless those feelings are released?

 

[Shellbell]

I think realistic expectations are easier to live with and manage rather than putting pressure on your self to reach some form of perfection.

This is really good point too - I am a perfectionist in life, or rather I was until I started not coping and fell apart. So, is trying to attain this a healthy positive way forward, or setting myself up for something I will never attain?

I think when I read about people that say they have found true forgiveness - it gives me hope that it is achievable.

Letting it go I can go with, for sure.

Maybe we can write out a good definition of what "Letting it Go" means one of these days. A work in progress for each person to change to suit their life, their current context, their life journey or ongoing healing process.

This sounds good to me :tup: