The following is my experience with forgiveness and recovery.
First, all my traumas were either repressed or minimized to the point that I couldn't recognize that I'd been mistreated. While in that state, I had a lot of rage that spilled out all over the place whenever I was invalidated.
When I was remembering the traumas and becoming aware that the events which had been minimized and/or blamed on me, were actually gas lighting and mental/emotional abuse by my own "protectors"... I had rage. But, this was JUSTIFIABLE rage, and it was directed at the people who caused it; instead of spilling out willy nilly.
Once I understood all that happened, and had a reasonable view of who, what, where, when, and why; which incorporated a lot of mitigating circumstances for both abusers and enablers in my abusive childhood; then, I began to apply that forgiving logic to others in my present life.
I recall the moment specifically when I was at my breaking point, and I asked myself "What about me?" "Why not me?" and what I meant was, "Why am I so forgiving of others and their mistakes and selfish transgressions, but none of it applies to me?" "Why am I still on the hook to have personal responsibility for all of my mistakes and selfishness without any acceptance or forgiveness?"
All my memories flashed back through my mind, and I began to see moments in my memories when others had the responsibility to help me, and they chose not to. I put a pin in that. I said, "That's not acceptable." These were like bread crumbs in my mind to lead me back to sanity.
Then, as people around me were behaving irresponsibly and irrationally, I recognized it! I thought, "Hey, that's ridiculous!" and I thought, "That person is unreasonable, and their behavior is reckless which could be a threat to me and my family." I pointed it out, when appropriate. I distanced myself when appropriate. I started feeling better about myself. Suddenly, I had some idea of what is right and what is wrong. What is acceptable, what is not acceptable. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was drawing some boundaries. Not only for others, but also for myself. No longer did I expect myself to always be the bigger person. I'm human. I'm allowed to make mistakes.
I began to see others as human too. Just because someone is selfish at one point, doesn't mean they will not change and be a better person in the future. (I am different) So, all actions and choices that people make are easier to handle when you don't judge the whole person for them. You judge the person's logic that led to those choices, and you (if you care to) watch the person for changes in that logic that may lead them down a more realistic and socially responsible path.
So, forgiving myself was the result of finally requiring people to have SOME personal responsibility for their actions instead of constantly forgiving them for stepping on me. In doing that, I learned balance. I don't have to do all the forgiving, I can expect people to behave themselves as well. AND, I don't have to always be held accountable to some "What would Jesus Do?" standard, I am human and I am allowed forgiveness too.
Frankly, I don't believe that forgiving others is the key to inner peace. I think trusting yourself to draw your own boundaries, be able to enforce those boundaries, believe in your reasons for those boundaries and to apply logical, reasonable common sense to situations will give you the peace that you require to live a happy life. It's not about thinking others are worthy, or trustworthy; it's about trusting yourself to see who is taking responsibility for themselves and who is not.
In this, I hope you will understand why I don't speak to my family anymore. According to them, and an old friend of mine, I need to forgive them so I can move on. They are all enablers. They are all in denial and they have all told me that they want to remain that way. They want me to change back. Back to not understanding right and wrong? Replacing my logic with whatever keeps them from looking bad? Back to not requiring that the people close to me be held personally responsible for their actions, and for apologizing when they wrong me? Back to holding myself up as martyr, to turn the other cheek time and again just because I'm related to these people? Nah. I think I'll pass.
As for the rapists, I rarely think of them. What they did was about them, not me. I've never internalized it. I have felt ashamed before as if I lost a game, and it resulted in my getting hurt, and so I have no right to feel bad about it. That's, again, more bullshit from my parents and grandparents. It was always very clear in my traumas that the rapists enjoyed what they were doing, and they enjoyed my fear and my anger as well. So, I guess I am grateful that none of it was done by wooing me and confusing me into agreeing to something that I wasn't prepared for. That would take a different path to decipher, though hopefully it would lead to the same resulting closure that I feel about my abusers and enablers.
The inner peace that is being discussed in this thread sounds like death to me. Either "Heaven" or a dirt nap. It just sounds like the end. Like, blissful serenity that lasts forever. That's why it sounds like an unreasonable goal to strive for, and why IMHO, Ms. Spock is trying to convince others not to try to strive for perfection. In the beginning of my recovery, I had a lot of rigid, black and white, goals. I lost a lot of them during the struggle for sanity that ensued when I started remembering and understanding the abuse that I was subjected to as a child. The fact that I was so rigid in my beliefs, so bound and determined not to lose them... hurt me more and prolonged the pain. Flexibility was a threat to me. I was terrified to jump off that cliff into the ocean of possibilities; prefering instead, to suffer in agony over not being able to live up to the unrealistic expectations set by myself and my family for my life.
Some forgiveness and acceptance is part of your journey toward healing. You cannot predict how much is necessary ahead of time, and you don't need to. You will find your way to them. Trust yourself to be able to handle the truth of your life. Denial really is a harder way to live life. Seeing the truth and accepting it for what it is gives you the ability to see it in your present life, and that makes you feel so much more secure. You won't need to know anything ahead of time, in order to embark on a new goal in life. You will trust that you can handle it AND, the excitement it brings.
Toiling over whether or not you will HAVE TO forgive abusers in order to love yourself and forgive yourself, is in my opinion, a stall tactic. Or, based in fear of the unknown and trying to pin down the future so you feel more prepared for it. Take the steps toward recovery, and see where they lead. You really can't skip to the end, and then go back through what you think will lead you there. I really wanted to find the words to repair my relationship with my family, and I struggle with it constantly. But, it's not in my power to correct... I didn't break our relationship. They did. It's up to them to fix it and they don't even accept that reality. If I could conquer this last rigid pre-recovery requirement of mine, then I would save myself hours a day of anguish. I just firmly, firmly believed that when I was recovered, I would be back in the fold of my family of origin. I always pictured myself speaking to them again. And, I find it almost unacceptable that I still refuse to communicate with them. That hurts me.
So, my caution is for you to avoid setting requirements on your recovery.
