Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Philippa]

I'm just angry I'm even in this position to start with. I wanted to be friends with my family, when I was 16. I couldn't wait to be an adult and be friends with them. I wanted to be there when my father passed away and hold his hand...but they have made it impossible to even want a relationship with them.

I feel like I've been robbed of my relationship with them, and now they are blaming ME for it. It's THEIR destruction, not mine.

 

[Shellbell]

I know your pain Philippa, I got blamed for everything that went wrong in my parents lives. It is really painful.

My parents blamed me at 12 years old, for my younger sister being abused because I didn't tell them earlier that I was being sexually abused by a neighbour. If I had said something sooner, then it would have prevented my sister being hurt too. It didn't matter to them that I was being threatened by the abuser not to say anything and as soon as I knew it was happening to my sister I did tell my parents straight away. And it was a good reflection of responsibility away from my mother who used to chuck us out of the house all day and never knew or cared where we were.

It has taken 28 years to really start to believe that I wasn't responsible for what happened to my sister. And that kind of emotional abuse is unforgiveable.

And that's just one of many things I was blamed for. I was laways the scapegoat.

 

[Philippa]

That's just terrible. Sorry to hear that Shellbell. Parents are just so ignorant. It would have only taken a bit of thought to put together why you woul dhave taken so long to tell them, but they couldn't even manage that.

it just never ceases to amaze me how stupid some parents can be...and I googled a site last night to try and get some help about feeling guilty for cutting my parents off, and saw SOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo many people commenting on how they have cut their parents off too.

I'm astounded at how common it really is, but because it's so socially unacceptable to do it, no one tells anyone, so we don't know how many people out there are actually not in contact with their family of origin, for similar reasons to us.

It's phenomenal.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, there are a lot of really bad people out there and way too many of them become parents, sadly.

I think it is okay to get to the point when cutting them off is okay and it is okay to not feel guilty about it.

 

[Philippa]

It is ok to not feel guilty about it, but it can be hard not to at the same time.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, we feel guilty when we shouldn't. It's taken me years to get to the point where I don't feel guilty. It's really, really hard.

 

[Philippa]

I hope I can get to that point in less time that years, but I guess I will see what unfolds...

 

[Shellbell]

I hope so too Philippa. ((((hugs)))). It's a process and it takes time. Accepting you shouldn't 'own' any of that guilt is a step closer.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've only read thru page 4, but want to say this to the OP.

I hope you have a flexible view of forgiveness. What happens when you can't vanquish every negative thought and feeling toward your abusers? (Which I maintain you can't...) just because I have a negative thought or feeling about someone doesn't mean that person is burdening me, and that they have control over my life. This sentiment resonates with the belief that we can't be happy unless there are no negative thoughts, no negative feelings. I honestly don't believe this is realistic.

And yes, there are many sites online about forgiveness. That doesn't mean that people are actually practicing what they preach. (Do you have any links?)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have noticed though that some who have stated that they do not think forgiveness is necessary are also still stuck in negative thinking about themselves and/or the trauma/abuse. It just makes we wonder about that connection.

Ms. Spock was right. This is loaded with judgement. (I feel like you're staring at me through the computer!) Oh how DARE I have negative emotions about the woman who raped me as a four year old. I should be peachy-keen over the fact that my first sexual experience was forced on me. This is so "Stepford"... And my sex life is f'ed FOREVER. I will always have that baggage. I'm not in denial... I'll be blunt one last time. Your goals are unattainable. Stop drinking the Kool-aid.

 

[Philippa]

I think there has been a lot of misunderstanding as to what the OP means when using the word forgiveness, though I think shellbell has spelled it out a number of times now, so I'm not sure if she will want to say it again.

It's not about the negative thoughts...it's about not carrying around the rage, hatred and pain anymore. She isn't saying dont have negative emotions. She is saying, that in the interestes of HER healing, shellbell (and myself) would like to be able to completely let go of those difficult emotions one day, so we aren't poisoning ourselves with them anymore.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can put it? people seem to be interpretting it in a totally different way to how it is meant. Shellbell has also been nothing but respectful towards other people who have disagreed with her.

I don't see why you need to tell her in such a way, that her goals are unattainable scaredoflonely. How do you know they are? Just because you feel that way does not mean you are right for everyone else.

 

[Shellbell]

Ms. Spock was right. This is loaded with judgement. (I feel like you're staring at me through the computer!) Your goals are unattainable. Stop drinking the Kool-aid.

ScaredOfLonely, I do assure you that my comments were in no way pointing at any one.

As Philippa said I have been respectful towards everyone's comments and I totally respect that for some people, what I am taking about isn't necessary, isn't right for them and no-one has to agree with me.

I have had alot of abuse too, severe abuse, for many years from different people. Including being kidnapped and kept against my will for over three years being raped almost daily, beaten, and threatened with my life and my family's life, having knives at my thoat and guns put at my head and the trigger pulled. He is a complete pscho and he is evil. I completely believed I would die. I can't remember most of the abuse, that's just what I remember. And my parents didn't care, even after a court hearing when they knew what happened to me

So, I do know what severe trauma is. And mulitple trauma. And my first sexual encounters were as a child, having sexual abuse, being forced to watch porn. And there is more abuse as well in my history.

But, I do think it is possible to try to let it all go, and that is my concept of forgiveness. I may be wrong, but other people say they have achieved it, so it is possible for some.

You don't need to ne angry with me, I am on your side, we are all survivors here. My aim of the thread was to possibly help. Not judge. And I haven't judged anyone.

I hope you can try to see that.