Forgiveness - Is This A Necessary Part Of True Healing From Abuse?

[Shellbell]

I agree Philippa, forgiveness in the context stated in my OP, does not mean letting them off the hook at all and it doesn't diminish in any way what they did. In fact for me it also means fully acknowledging their full responsibility in the abuse and letting go of the blame, shame and guilt and holding on to it no more.

I also agree that trying to jump to forgiveness first, without having processed all the trauma and done all the therapy first would be a harmful thing to do.

For me, this is entirely about using the term 'forgiveness' in the full context in my OP and how I have highlighted through this thread. To me, it is a healthy way to view it.

People will try to keep leading it back to another term and away from how I have defined it and back to how they view the word 'forgiveness' because the word itself to hard to digest. I do understand it is a difficult concept.

I am glad it has created thought.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This has been very interesting. I had to cut off communication with my family of origin. They were too toxic. My mom was killed in a plane crash and for awhile I thought it was justice. My dad died this year and left me alittle money. When I realized I still loved them both inspite of no contact, it cleansed me. There was nothing wrong with me, but there was plenty wrong with them.

It was appropriate to cut off communication. I do not know if I have forgiven them for my own sake yet. To feel love for them was very confusing but it was real. They were horrible awful parents and really messed me up and hurt me so bad.

But I feel peace with them now. What they did was wrong. They never apologized for anything. So I cannot forgive them. They did not come to me in remorse as they could have. But I let them go in peace. I am glad they are out of my life and have been for years. I do not hate them anymore. But for years I did. I hated the both of them with a passion. I just do not want to be eaten alive by this anymore.

I cannot forget what they did to me. I cannot forgive them for what they did to me because I believe a sincere apology and a change comes before that kind of forgiveness. Love cannot exist without the quality of justice. I hope my words do not offend anyone here. Only my 2 cents. Thank you for giving me a place to say these things.

 

[Shellbell]

Your words do not offend me at all Gizmo. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, I really appreciate your input.

I think everyone has a slightly different view on forgiveness. For me, I do not need justice or an apology from my abusers - as for me it isn't about them- or their actions any more. It is only about me.

I think that knowing I won't ever receive justice, remorse or an apology means that if I focus on needing that to get past it - I am setting myself up for hurt that is then a choice that I've made to hold on to and it will continue to hurt me in some way.

To let it go, without the need of apology, remorse or justice, means I am making a choice to let it go and not be affected by their actions any further.

But this is all different for everyone.

And I do respect everyone's views on this :)

 

[Philippa]

But I feel peace with them now. What they did was wrong. They never apologized for anything. So I cannot forgive them. They did not come to me in remorse as they could have. But I let them go in peace. I am glad they are out of my life and have been for years. I do not hate them anymore. But for years I did. I hated the both of them with a passion. I just do not want to be eaten alive by this anymore.

I understand this need to receive an apology first, or forgiveness seems impossible. I've felt this way for ages, and it's the reason I have tried so hard to get them to acknowledge everything, despite what I previously thought...to no avail of course.

I also think it is possible to let go without receiving an apology. Not easy, but possible. I've done it before, so I know it is possible...and no, I didn't bypass any of my feelings or invalidate myself in the process...it was all done very consciously and in full honoring of my perspective and feelings. It requires detaching from the need to receive that apology.

I cannot forget what they did to me. I cannot forgive them for what they did to me because I believe a sincere apology and a change comes before that kind of forgiveness. Love cannot exist without the quality of justice. I hope my words do not offend anyone here. Only my 2 cents. Thank you for giving me a place to say these things.

Forgiveness does not require that you forget what they did, it only requires that you let go of the feelings that keep you bound to them and what they did.

It doesn't make sense to forgive without an apology, because we've all been taught that is how it is supposed to work...mainly by the people who don't practise what they preach.

Acceptance that they lack the character required to apologize sincerely, can help with moving past the need for an apology. I've been able to reach this place in the past, before things really got hairy. I have trouble with it though now, but I still think the basic premise is true...it's just very hard to reach that point where youactually feel like you can.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't see my family. They hurt me. I am not angry or hurt or sad - it just is. I have forgiven their inability to comprehend the way their actions impacted on my life. This is enough for me to now have peace within my mind as I no longer use energy worrying about the situation.

 

[Shellbell]

To be able to forgive them on any level is such a positive and healthy place to be in. I am so glad you have a peace about it.

Thank you for sharing that Nicolette, it gives me hope.

 

[Loloma]

Is healing a necessary part of healing? I can only speak for myself, and in my opinion I don't think it is. Depends on the individual and trauma(s) they experienced.Some things remain unforgivable to me. As Nicolette stated, "it's the letting go" that is important in able to move on. I find this applies to me as sometimes I think that I have forgiven, but find I haven't really.

I can't forgive my husbands for treating me so badly and depriving me of much needed love. However I know that I enabled them in some ways to treat me badly. To move forward I have let go of this.

I can't forgive my parents for ruining my life and that of my 13 other siblings. The deaths and suicides that resulted from their treatment is unforgivable. The sad fact that it has gone down to the next generation, the children of my siblings is nothing short of sad. I can finally understand my mother to a certain extent. She had schizaphrenia which she handled for the first few years of her marriage. The more children she had the worse she got, till she totally lost control and her sense of reasoning.

She went into her own world, being "Princess" mode and gave up on us. This was the only way she could survive what was happening to her. This left us to fend for ourselves. Mum's way of dealing with problems was to beat the shit out of us, with what ever she could find at the time. A won't go into that. Mum wasn't diagnosed until she was close to 60. So she never had any meds.

In the meantime my father was sexually abusing us, and disappearing for days at a time. He was generally with another woman somewhere. He even had the audacity to bring home a pregnant girlfriend for my mother to look after.

To cut a long story short, neither of them provided us with the necessary life skills to 'get on' in the world. 99% of our relationships have failed, some several times. Many turned to drugs, alcohol and crime and treated their own children the same.

No I don't really forgive them, although I feel sorry for what my mother went through. I am angry that she never sort help. I know she would have been too ashamed to do so. I have managed to move on, by letting go. It has taken me many years to reach this point. I remember when it consumed and paralysed me. When I wallowed in self pity and kept asking why, why! There is no answer it is what it is, I cannot change it. The extreme sadness of my loss is always with me. When I think of them I am instantly overwhelmed. The best thing I can do is shelve it when it happens. It took me a lot of mental training to do that.

I make a point now of keeping in contact with the ones that are left. Next month I will go and visit them all including my nieces and nephews. Everyone needs to know they are thought of and not alone. These people are also innocent victims.

Thank you for this brilliant thread. :tup:

 

[Estacia]

Shellbell, I like your attitude towards the subject.

 

[Loloma]

Just wanted to add that when I was hospitalised about 20 years ago. I had a picture of my mother andd father on a dart board and used to throw darts at them. Boy have I come a long way!:O_o:

 

[Philippa]

I've often thought that would be great therapy Loloma. I even considered patenting dartboards with pictures of John Howard (Australian Prime Minister) a few years back during the Iraqi conflict. That idea extended to George Bush at one stage. I could have made a fortune.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been thinking about this topic. I think the goal of forgiveness is to set ourselves free from the negative things we hold against another person. I think it is a process that takes time. I think the person doing the forgiveness must be tired of the baggage of the person who betrayed us. Betrayal is one of the hardest things to forgive.

I would love to be free of bad feelings towards my betrayers. I will keep on thinking about this. It is a good topic, and I have learned alot. Just my opinion.

 

[Loloma]

Gizmo, personally I think the bad feelings we hold against our abusers sometimes never goes away. The only one that I think I forgive is my mother because she was mentally ill and didn't have control over what she did. I am still angry at the pain she inflicted on me, as I'm still carrying the scars on my body.

As for the rest of them, they all knew what they were doing when they did it. In my case forgiveness is not as important as letting to go to move on with my life.

Of course everyone can state their opinion. We are all individuals and have the freedom to make our own choices. Forgiveness is a personal issue, important to some in able to move on. No so necessary to others.

(((((Hugs)))))