Are You An Easy Target For Others Who Attack You?

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Bilby. It really costs me nothing to walk away. I do not want to engage in a war. I am pretty done with crazymaking conversations. After the initial shock I am glad I showed self restraint. It is a better way for me. But I agree that sometimes people need to be put in their place with an appropiate word. I was at a loss of words. I was in shock.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

A51975 I agree that some things are unforgiveable. It is life to acceept that not everyone is going to like me. I can deal with that. But I am tired of getting into it with a person who is raging at me. They are not in their right mind and besides that is a mark of a controlling person which I have had more than enough in my life. You really have gotten a thick skin and someday I hope to have one too. I am getting there slowly. You make some good points. But like I said, it costs me nothing to just walk away and keep my distance. I want a peaceful life and I have found that this way really works for me.

 

[AS1975]

As for obnoxious, overbearing people - that might be your opinion, but it might not be the opinion of the general public, if that makes sense. Furthermore, even if they are obnoxious and overbearing, does that really justify the use of violence, which ultimately has no positive benefit for you either (thinking of the legal ramifications)? Why not leave them to their ways, to flap their gums to themselves and just walk away from a situation that really isn't beneficial for you either?

I suspect this is partly a difference that comes of two things, one is gender and the other arising from conditioning and/or how we were raised (and possibly our respective environments).

If I form the opinion that someone is being obnoxious, overbearing and threatening to cause harm to my family, my property or myself (generally in that order), I reserve the right to stop them doing so, using whatever means I regard as appropriate. They have the right to form the opinion that I am acting contrary to their wishes, and I respect that right, I merely don't see any need to respect their 'rights', as I've formed the opinion that they have abused them. If they won't listen to reason, show any regard for what I intend to protect and refuse to return the respect given them, the options for communicating effectively are somewhat limited. The assertion that 'violence is never the answer' is quite probably the most overwhelming issue I have with traditional anger management techniques (as taught).

I know for a fact that immobilizing someone by planting their face into the bitumen, will effectively communicate my displeasure at their conduct, and prevent them doing any more damage or threatening those things I intend to protect. If they don't like that outcome, they have a number of options, they can show some respect, they can avoid damaging or threatening those things I intend to protect, or they can avoid me and act like a tool elsewhere. Society is built around the protection of life and property, as such, we as members of society are entitled to act in defence of the same. Why should I respect the rights of others when all that means is that I don't respect my own?

 

[Sues]

I learned when I was with my ex to be quiet, take the abuse, and not respond. Responding, or talking back just made it a 100 times worse. So that was my intial reaction to most people, just don't react, and yeah, walk away.

But I've found that if you come up with some generic responses ahead of time, you can use them when needed. I say them, then walk away. Like Intothelight said, interaction is messy, so I want to avoid that, but I also want to send a message that I'm not there to be picked on without a response.

As time goes by, it gets easier.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sues it is the being caught off guard that always gets me and I am stunned and shocked into silence. I think it is better to have a standard reply. I need to come up with some nondefensive responses ahead of time. I will have to think about this. Still I am at a loss of words. I was never allowed to get angry as a child. And as an adult I had anger problems that cost me in guilt and shame. I am trying to find a happy medium. If I could get over my shock, I think I would do better in responding. I am really good about standing my ground. But I think you have it right on. Better to say something. I am just so tired of trying to speak to a person who does not hear or see me.

I think you are right. In time it must get easier. Thanks for your viewpoint. I appreciate it alot.

 

[Shellbell]

I think different situations require different responses. Sometimes standing up for ourselves is necessary, sometimes it's okay to walk away and not get further involved.

It's taking the emotional aspect out of it that is hard.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow Shellbell is that ever true. Thank you for putting it into that perspective. The emotions tangle me up something fierce. I need to grow a thicker skin. I need internal boundries and I need my healthy anger. It is always getting caught off guard that throws me. It is a betrayal when someone I like and respect turns on me. I think that is what makes it so hard. You are right. Everything is not black and white, there are alot of grey areas.

 

[Abstract]

I have wanted to answer this thread for a while but end up with too many things to say and can't concentrate so loose my way. But in the mean time I will say that I think there are certain people it isn't wise to try to confront directly. The totally nutty or aggressive ones. But that when we are not in direct danger it is maybe very important to always indicate we are setting a boundary down in some form or other. I think that can be with an expression or body language or even with a joke. And leaving can form that role. Or it can be saying something directly to the person assertively. And maybe what is right depends of the situation like Shellbell said and also what we feel we can cope with consequence wise.

For example I hate sarcasm used as an tool of anger but I think it can be very effective when in public and yet still really wanting to make a point. But I can't get myself to use it in this way as if it precipitates me getting sarcasm back that would be worse for me. I am not good at receiving angry type sarcasm. So other responses are better for me.

Good for you for looking at all this Gizmo. It takes masses of courage and is really hard. :tup: I know it has been really hard for me.

 

[Abstract]

And I agree that those reflex responses we have are often old ones that we have been trained into long ago. I have also had big trouble finding my anger let alone using it.

 

[Shellbell]

I need to practise this more too Gizmo. It's easy for me to be hurt and be emotional. Sometimes I can manage to step back and see my response of being emotional will be worse for myself. Sometimes I can't.

I remember feeling most annoyed and defensive when I received my first 'grammar' notification on here and complained - I mean how dare they suggest I am stupid! Now I look back and feel a tad embarrassed about that :rolleyes: :oops: :whistling:

But that's just a silly example of how emotion plays into my reactions sometimes.

Sometimes I do a good job standing up for myself appropriately, sometimes I don't.

Judging each situation in an un-emotional way is hard.

 

[Sues]

it is the being caught off guard that always gets me and I am stunned and shocked into silence.

Yep, thats it exactly. That's why coming up with some responses ahead of time helped me. I would just spit one of them out and go with it.

 

[Abstract]

I remember feeling most annoyed and defensive when I received my first 'grammar' notification on here

It's amazing how those grammar notifications seem to get us all at first isn't it?! I felt attacked and unsafe.