Anger

[BlackbirdSinging]

I can't switch off the ceaseless perfection of the most cutting thing I can think of to say to a person. :(

Me too! It's hard.. I spent too many years in silence and now it's a struggle to keep quiet when I'm angry. It takes a lot of effort.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

You are lucky that you can think of things to say. I think this is healthy anger. It needs to be expressed one way or another. I used to be able to do that. Now I just get my feelings hurt. I envy you your anger.

The things I think to say are awful and hurtful things though. And I know I don't want to be nasty to people I care about. That's the twist. Expressing it is great but, to be able to do it without going over the top is hard.

Sometimes once I'm angry that's it. It's like hot or cold or on or off. I have a hard time saying only "I'm angry with you". If I open my mouth to speak when I'm angry something that calm and put together is probably not the thing I'm going to say :unsure:. I get hurt my feelings hurt though too. I end up taking things personally and somewhere in there.. is another one of my triggers.

The thing that's really frustrating for me now is how little patience I have. We have a dog.. she's old and mostly blind and mostly deaf. She ends up with panic attacks sometimes and I'm shocked at myself at how little patience I have with her. She comes near me and I'll comfort her for a minute or two and then that's enough. I want her to go away find someone else in the house and leave me alone. And then I feel very guilty. My therapist says my levels of patience are lower now is all.. and that I should just give myself a break with that.

 

[faraway]

Sometimes once I'm angry that's it. It's like hot or cold or on or off. I have a hard time saying only "I'm angry with you".

Yep, same here. If the mouth opens, it's over. I have a problem with alcohol which I describe by saying, "I have no off switch." Meaning, when I have more than 2 drinks, I binge. I can't regulate myself. It's the same with the anger. I'm such an all or nothing person.

 

[MissMacD]

Part of my anger comes from being so judgmental of myself that I rarely step back to pat myself on the back. Years of neglect and things that shouldn't happen to any child have worn me down and you are $%^&ing right I am angry.

Getting out the poison is not a classy process because I don't always get to choose how it comes out. lt's embarrassing and humiliating and I am afraid that if I ever started doing drugs or drinking I wouldn't be able to stop.

I never learned to say things like "I am angry with you" because healthy relationships did not exist in my childhood. Battles were fought with hatred and fists and nobody talked about problems without someone exploding in anger. My father used fear to keep me quiet.

When I was 19 I stood face to face to my father and confronted him about a time that he picked me up by the neck and slammed me into a wall. He denied doing it. I did it in front of my stepmother - they recently got divorced. I stay in contact with my stepmother and do not have any contact with my father. It was a pretty empowering day to confront him and know that he couldn't do anything to me because he was wearing the fake front that he wears around all of his girlfriends.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Getting out the poison is not a classy process because I don't always get to choose how it comes out.

That is SO true! I'm going through this now.. again. I kinda feel bad for the people around me because at times I get so angry so quickly. I know most of my triggers but, I'm finding there are some I didn't realize were there. Until now.

And to find them now when I'm feeling angry and annoyed more easily.. it can be a bad situation. When I get triggered by these "new" triggers sometimes I just blow my top and about half way through I realize what's happening.

That happened last week and again today and I realized it much more quickly. And before I could start yelling I got up and left the room. I went to my room.. closed the door.. listened to nature sounds on an app I have. I know that sounds kinda cliche. And I lit a candle and did some deep breathing. I was relieved that it worked and how much better I felt. It didn't happen fast but, it did happen. But, this anger.. wow. It can be a bit consuming in the moment.

 

[MissMacD]

BlackbirdRising, I have just recently started to deal with anger. I have never really been an angry person but when it started happening recently it was really scary. Learning to deal with it and to walk away before I boil over has taken some practice and I am definitely better at walking away from situations I identify as angering.

I bought myself a punching bag to release some of my tension. Before that I yelled at my dogs for doing naughty things - I was angry about something else and I yelled at one of my dogs and he peed because I was so scary. Made me change my tune really fast because I don`t want my dog to be afraid of me or anyone for that matter.

I have for sure been harsh with people around me when I am angry and said some things I regret, but the important part is identifying I am angry and formulating ways to outlet it in a healthier way like punching a punching bag or going for a walk :)

There are things that make me snap at times and when I am that angry I feel blind rage where I feel like I am no longer in control of what happens and it is scary. My emotions were suppressed for so many years that now they are coming out in awkward ways. In my childhood I dissociated so much that I felt nothing - so it became a way to protect myself so that I could endure the abuse. Sad that I spent nearly 2 decades of my life (and I just turned 29) feeling very little human emotion.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Sad that I spent nearly 2 decades of my life (and I just turned 29) feeling very little human emotion.

I can SO relate. I did many of the same things to protect myself. And it's definitely sad to lose decades without being able to genuinely express or sometimes even feel certain emotions. I've been holding down memories and emotions since I was very young and I'm almost twice your age. It becomes so much "easier" to do sometimes than to actually.. feel the emotions.

What's difficult for me now.. is the anger is.. ugh. For the past week I've off and on felt angry at almost everything since my patience is almost zero lately. And when I'm not angry but someone or something triggers me.. it kinda feels like fire just spreading inside of me and I want to just start screaming.

I don't want to start raging at people for things they don't realize they've said or done. So, when I turn to walk away if they try to stop me it takes so much restraint when I tell them I need to walk away. That I really just can't talk at the moment.

I really should get a punching bag like you did. That's such a great idea. A friend of mine said something about that too not that long ago. Even if I don't get it.. I could beat the stuffing out of a pillow or something. All I know is it's either that or I'm going to end up screaming. Maybe I could do that into a pillow too.

 

[MissMacD]

Yup, using an object to release anger can be really therapeutic. Yelling into a pillow can help too, along with using it as a punching bag.

Do you live somewhere remote or have access to somewhere remote? Going out somewhere in the middle of nowhere and screaming your lungs out feels really really really good. I used to do it in my car on the highway where nobody could hear me. Now that I live in the city in an apartment building a punching bag and my pillow are good outlets. Screaming here would likely result in the police showing up :hilarious:

I try my best to live with a sense of humor and to not take myself too seriously. It's so tough when I don't feel well.

 

[MissMacD]

If you have an iPod/iPhone there is a free music app called Sonza - I use it before bed if I am feeling grouchy.