Your Weight

[JustBe]

I agree, it's a control thing. I fight every day not to self sabotage...not doing well lately:(

 

[Britt.f7]

Movin'On, try not to beat yourself up for slipping. I think that will only make things worse. I'm trying not to beat myself with about being unable to not exercise at times due to my health because I don't think that will motivate me and that it will only make me more disgusted in myself. Eating wise, if I slip I try to counter it with a healthier choice.

Hang in there! We'll both get it one of these days. ;)

 

[Shellbell]

It is definitely a control thing.

I use food as a reward and punishment for myself as well. If I'm not feeling good, I'll withold food. It's all related to previous abuse. I can see so clearly that I'm hurting myself the way I was hurt before, but I keep on doing it to myself.

 

[KP the nut]

I use food as a reward and punishment for myself as well

Snap - I wish I could elaborate :notworthy:

 

[maddog]

100% agree about the control factor, this is absolutely the case for me too. I think that when others have controlled your body and done things to it without your consent for a long time, it's easy to push back against that by controlling and manipulating your own body in every way you can, and manipulating food intake is an easy option in that respect.

And the sad thing about unhealthy weight control is that it does affect your metabolism over time, which is the reason for that phenomena whereby what once would have caused you to lose weight, eventually doesn't. I know this is the case for me - I eat virtually nothing and yet am not unduly thin thesedays, and I know I put on weight at the drop of a hat when I do eat, thanks to my own destruction of my normal healthy metabolism. Naturally, this makes the control issues even worse...

It's scarey to realise that while i use withholding food as a punishment when I feel I deserve it, I can't even bring myself to use food as a reward, ever. My doctor asked me this specific question yesterday and it was a horrifying reality to realise that there are no situations when I believe I am worthy of a reward of this nature. He asked me if I ever feel good about eating, or allow myself to, and I had to say no. That scared me...

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

Yup, the whole metabolism shutdown is something I've been dealing with for many years. On top of that, I'm Hypothyroid.

 

[Shellbell]

The metabolism thing is a nightmare when medication also causes it to slow down. That on top of an already wrecked metabolism is like a double whammy.

I'm on 2 meds again that cause weight gain, and I'm now scared to eat anything. And too tired from the meds to go to the gym to work any of it off.

And I have to take the meds as I'm currently too unstable, as apparently fat and alive, is better than thin and dead.

Who needs food anyway :rolleyes:

 

[MomOfTwo]

I used to be extremely thin. I was around 87 pounds at 5 foot 4. It took me about 2 years to get up to 98 pounds. When I was finally healthy I pretty much sat at 120 pounds for around 10 years with some fluctuation of a few pounds in the winter. I think that is my set weight as doctors call it. It is the weight my body wishes to be at and seems to normally stay at.

Despite being 120 pounds which is on the lower end of the bmi for a medium frame I still always felt like I should be thinner but I pushed through those feelings. I think it is like if you are an alcoholic you are always an alcoholic. The only difference is with an eating disorder you have to eat food which makes the recovery around disordered eating a very difficult one. My husband thinks I am back into the same patterns because I am 109 pounds. I don't think I look overly thin and my clothes feel better. I hate when clothes feel clingy on me.

I found when I was in College and getting good grades I did not focus or worry so much about it. It has been a big preoccupation lately. I don't think I would slip as far as I did but I am slipping a bit. I do feel good about it which is bad and I don't say that to people because they just get angry. I remember when I was down to 87 pounds my moms friends told her that they were worried about me. My mom got angry with me because I was embarassing to her. I remember feeling like she could not control that about me and it felt good. She did not care about what was going on in my life. I was assaulted while I was on a trip with her and I never told her because she just does not care.

I never tell her or anyone anything. I never talk about it and probably never will. I do not remember most of it anyway and do not care to. It was my first sexual experience and I had to go to the hospital because I was lacerated inside. I was so matter of fact about the assault and told the nurses and doctors to just do what they needed to do to fix me and I did not want therapy. It happened in November several years ago so maybe it is why I am more stressed now. I don't know. I think some times I just feel like disappearing and being smaller or losing weight gives me the feeling I am. I don't know. Right now I feel like disappearing.

 

[Britt.f7]

I eat virtually nothing and yet am not unduly thin thesedays, and I know I put on weight at the drop of a hat when I do eat, thanks to my own destruction of my normal healthy metabolism. Naturally, this makes the control issues even worse.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one out there. My endocrinologist looks at me like I'm lying when I tell him I barely eat as it is. My sister was with me when I saw my cardiologist and he brought up weight. I know he was looking at me the same was as the other doctor. My sister chimed in and told him that I barely eat and when I do I am very picky about what goes in to my body. I was so thankful to have her there at that moment. I felt validated. Now I just need to take her when I see the other doctor!

Earlier this year I lost 25 lbs and I didn't do anything. Then, when trying to lose weight by having two low calorie shakes a day and working out, I put the 25 lbs back on. Very, Very frustrating!

I'm Hypothyroid.

I have hypothyroid too on top of other medical issues. Definitely does not help.

And I have to take the meds as I'm currently too unstable, as apparently fat and alive, is better than thin and dead.

This is, basically, what one of my doctors said when we were first trying to get me stabilized. I went along with it for a few months, until they gave me Remron and my sweet tooth went into overtime. I said I understood them trying to stabilize me, but gaining weight was not going to make me feel any better. If anything it was going to make matters worse.

When I was finally healthy I pretty much sat at 120 pounds

The lowest I got was the high 90's or low 100's in my early adult life. I felt my healthiest when I was between 120 and 125. I didn't deprive myself and I was able to exercise. Though there are pictures that I see from then and think I should have been thinner. I have pictures from my thinner days and have been told that I looked way too skinny. Now I'm fatter I can't believe I thought I was fat at 100. However, it never fails to amaze me how distorted our thinking about our outer selves can become.

I'll tell you what, everyone, it makes me feel validated knowing that I am not the only one with these issues. I get so frustrated when people tell me all I need to do is eat less and exercise. (I might agree on the exercise bit, but my body isn't always willing to cooperate.) Don't they think I know and I'm doing that? Quit looking at me and thinking I sit around eating bon bons! Okay, enough ranting. Thank you for helping me feel better about what is going on.

 

[maddog]

Oh I so so agree Britt, I can't even begin to explain how validating this thread, and the eating disorders one, have been for me. I carry the most silent toxic shame about this issue, far far out of proportion with the problem I'm sure, and have never, until recently, found the courage to even write about my silent evil secret, let alone talk about it. Largely thanks to the support and validation of you all here, I am inching ever closer to really talking about this with my T, and I never, ever thought I would say that.

I'm deeply distressed about this issue and can't see a way through it yet, but I know that acknowledging it honestly and trying to surround myself with those who don't judge or misunderstand it, are critical ingredients to getting there.

Some day I swear I will eat without shame or guilt, exercise without obsession, weigh myself out of mild interest and without a cold sense of dread, eat, drink, sleep and exercise without thinking about them... I swear that some day this won't hurt so much.

Maddog

 

[Britt.f7]

Some day I swear I will eat without shame or guilt, exercise without obsession, weigh myself out of mild interest and without a cold sense of dread, eat, drink, sleep and exercise without thinking about them... I swear that some day this won't hurt so much.

I hope so too, Maddog, I hope so too...for all of us!

 

[Let It Be]

After reading this, I decided it was time to get my scales out of "storage" and weigh myself. I put them away (in the garage), like out of sight, out of mind, but it didn't help. I am still binging and then thinking that as long as I can still get into my jeans, I'm okay, but I'm not.

I take great comfort in food, and I know that. I also try very hard to watch what I eat, looking at the fat grams, etc., but then when I'm overwhelmed/anxious, I will run to the store to get a certain food that I have to have, which I know will take away or I think it will some of my pain.

I need that quick fix, that immediate gratification that it will give me. So, my scales are out and I even was able to step on them, and then I closed my eyes. What?!

So anyway, I'm going to try to do better, and I even wrote down how much I weighed on a piece of paper. I don't want that number to go any higher, and would like it to come down, but at the same time, I want to do it in a healthy way that I can live with, and of course, leaving chocolate out is not a possibility!:D