I think that type of isolation is so damaging for us. And sharing with people who are unkind or even abusive in response is re injuring isn't it.
.. a big part of interpersonal trauma is what it does to us in relation to our beliefs about safety and relationships. Human beings need other human beings and until we get some kind understand and connectedness we can't grow into ourselves properly.. I think it says so much about what we need as human beings to truly survive.
I think there is only so much healing we can do by ourselves as that connection to another in itself is what heals. They say that successful therapy is mostly to do with the actual connection between the client and the T. That relationship helps to heal over some of those gaps and wounds that were left there by others. Its much more that a fact finding or "fix it" mission.
I was shocked when I realised how essential safe human contact was for me to be able to be happy (or lets say functional:rolleyes:)
And then we can see why and how much damage staying around abusive and aggressive people is. :( It erodes who we are.
Dear Abstract, thank you. I was hard-pressed to not quote all of it because it is so true. Now THAT is deep thought. :)
But truly, and seriously, you are probably so correct. I think I've spent decades trying to salvage or create safety in unsafe places, or with unsafe people, including family. By denying it, by trying to ignore it, by forgiving it, or by overlooking it. Many times it simply comes back to the textbook explanation of the cycle of abuse. Then I've wondered what 'family' means, or the end result is having none, basically. Not as defined by it including the element of safety. I have also never understood, no matter what an occassional friend has said, (or that one hears in public), that there exists 'families by choice' (not just blood). The concept seems foreign to me, primarily because if blood-relations do what they do, how I wonder could strangers care?
Yes, that is perhaps also very correct, that 'restoring faith in humanity' through decent relationships is kind of hard to grasp and believe. And takes so many baby steps! But then again, all those experiences are different: being forgiven; not being run-down; waiting for the boom to drop and it doesn't. Like trying to reverse conditioning, it runs so deep. I realize how pervasive and subtle it is, when I feel my heart go to my gut when a hand is raised, or whatever. Silly, if not warranted and the person has never been like that, or given indication to be. :rolleyes:
I think it's like hypervigilance, when you realize examples like your heart is racing because you have to open a door (no other reason), etc. Also weird.
I know some of my relationships do contain a lot of abuse. I've been an unwilling but accepting participant.
Thank you for
your kindness and words of wisdom.
I'm too tired to look it up now, or quite remember, but oddly enough what I read earlier, was that "Christmas is a time of God's gift to people, and God's gift of people to each other". (And if you prefer, if one doesn't have those beliefs, you could substitue Providence or Good Fortune). Needless to say, they said exactly what you did, about isolating ourselves. And that 'belonging' is the fundamental need on which we survive and depend, and that when we don't (or feel we don't), it's an entirely different type of loneliness (and also synonymous with believing and feeling as an end result that 'God' has abandoned us, as well).
No small wonder that rebuilding trust and self-worth etc is so difficult! But I think infinitely worth it (though mostly unfathomable and very difficult considering past experiences!)
I guess, whether it's Christmas, or any other time or circumstance, each person has such individual histories and experiences, past hurts and fears (let alone ptsd or anything else, etc), that each person is almost a 'sub-set' of 'whatever' is occurring at the time, a mix of difficult and good, hurts and fears, embedded in a bigger context.
Hugs to you, dearest Abstract. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know you are right. (And very Dear :) ) . ((((( :hug: ))))), xox.
