The Dreaded End-of-year Three Week Break

[Hashi]

I'm all over the place. The break from therapy has been part of it, but the whole different-ness of the holidays has had a bad effect on me. Things like shops, the gym and the library having short opening times, and deliveries and collections being different, has thrown out what little routine I was managing. Also, I'm out of work at the moment and it feels weird not to be going back after the holidays.

Starting to do things again is feeling strange rather than normal. I feel like I've been in suspension for about two months rather than three weeks.

I'm trying to be prepared for it to be strange to see my T again too. Like Ayasha, I want to see her but I really don't want to talk, especially not about the holidays. I'd rather leave the holidays behind. I know it's the whole point, but I still wish I didn't have to talk to my T about such difficult things!

My book club had a meeting and it made me feel a bit more part of the world, but at the same time it showed me how far I've withdrawn from it in just a few weeks. I've realised that I didn't fix anything positive to do after the break, and the only appointments I've got apart from T are medical ones. Not good. So I'm making arrangements to go out a bit and do things. I hope it will help.

I've been missing the accountability of seeing my T as well as all the other things about it. I don't think I make so much effort if no-one's going to know whether I got out of the house or not.

 

[piratelady]

I have therapy on Tuesday and like Hashi I want to see him but don't want to talk. I seem to be getting worse by the day and I know I need to talk and I need therapy, but I'd really rather not.

 

[Hashi]

Sounds like Tuesday's going to be a big day for several of us.

Also thinking about people who have longer to wait. :(

 

[quaintpapercut]

I want to see him but don't want to talk.

I feel the same way but I have another week and a bit. As each day goes by I feel myself retreating further and further into my internal shell. I feel my connection to therapy and my therapist diminishing every day to the point where I'm not sure that I can return and pick up where we left off.

I almost feel like I want to start over with someone new where all of this emotion and "stuff" about the break is not there.

 

[Sailorgal]

Hashi!!!!!

Do you really have to rehash stuff over the holidays? I mean.....REALLY? It sounds like you have a grasp of where you are at, why not take the first few sessions to discuss the new plan for 2013? Easier said than done emotionally, but loneliness is loneliness, right? If the holidays already gave you the blues and you know that, why not focus on where you need to go?

It's great to have an external outlet where you feel like "part of the world." I don't get out very much for several reasons, one being financial. But I also realize that if I push myself, I withdraw a lot more when I'm back home.

I hope you can let go of the self guilt about not being where you want to be. You have your first session of the year coming up, hope you can be excited about it!

 

[Abstract]

I guess it's quite off that I frequent this thread when I am not presently in therapy and can't seem to get back but really it has been very helpful for me. It helps to see that I am not alone in the struggles I have in therapy. To recognise the way I have felt or reacted in others words. So thank you Hashi for the thread and to everyone who has posted here. Even a week passing can set me back with speaking.

For those who re start on tuesday - hang in there. I know the last days feel like weeks but it will be OK. And to the rest - one day at a time always does it. Or moment at a time. I will be the cheerleader!:singing: Maybe it will help me take those steps back into therapy myself.

has thrown out what little routine I was managing

I think this is understandable. Its amazing what a balancer routine is even when we find it a challenge. I would not underestimate the effect of the knowledge that your job isn't there is likely to be having on you. Especially since you say your identity is tied up in it too an extent. That type of anchoring being cut is very effecting. Being on holiday and knowing you are going back to a job is very different from the situation you now find yourself in.

feels weird not to be going back

That is totally understandable. I do think it could mean amazing - ye painful - growth as well! You probably feel you could do with that like a hole in the head! :p:rolleyes: Growing pains.

wish I didn't have to talk to my T about such difficult things!

Wouldn't it be nice if we only needed to speak to our therapists about easy nice stuff! :rolleyes: Seriously. Actually I think I used to do a version of that! But well done to you as although you don't want to you are committed to doing it and that is what recovery is all about. Processing what has happened and why can bring you much insight and growth. Which means moving a step closer to the true you.

start over with someone new where all of this emotion and "stuff" about the break is not there.

Quintpapercut, I have been there too! But I guess it is this so called little stuff that can be useful to explore and deal with. And returning and trusting when it is so hard is probably just what the dr ordered. :yuck:

 

[Hashi]

I will be the cheerleader!

I love it.

Everyone's welcome in this thread. I'm really appreciating your support, as well as everyone else's.

Abstract, I think you're right about the effect of not returning to work. Every milestone to do with leaving work has had a bigger effect on me than I expected - getting my P45 (final pay/tax statement), getting a Christmas card from the office instead of sending them, etc. Each one has felt almost literally like I was being pushed out a little bit further. Now I feel right out there while other people are back on their familiar groove between home and work. I do need the time to focus on other things, though. Like therapy...

Sailorgal, thank you for thinking of me. I realise that talking about not going out probably made it sound like loneliness is the biggest issue. Tending to isolate is a problem for me, but the worst holiday stuff was about family and my ability to cope... both of which are very much issues for therapy, unfortunately. I like your idea of looking ahead to 2013 and am going to include this in the first session or two when I go back. It fits with a new year message my T sent me. Thank you.

I've only had one other break so far with my current T. When I went back, she wasn't like she usually is and it made it even harder. I suspected something was going on in her own life, and I think I know now what that was. The thing is, it's still ongoing for a little while. This time, if the first session back isn't right again, I'll discuss it with her. I'd rather not see her than see her when she can't be centred enough. But then I could be creating another break for myself. Aaaaaagh. So it's very loaded for me, but I'm hoping she'll be OK and things will be as they usually are - apart from my own strangeness, of course. :p

 

[Abstract]

worst holiday stuff was about family and my ability to cope.

You have referred to that obliquely a few times and what came to mind is boundaries and what you need to do to feel safe. Stating the obvious here (sarcasm aimed at self :p). As you have stated that you don't miss them at all, had no nurturing from them and that contact brings up distress it seems that maybe more distance would be good. it sounds like you still have a lot.

From what you have said (quietly;)) it sounds like things have been a little bit eventful too. I realise that saying and doing are two totally different things and that these things tend to be very complex. Not least of all our feelings and how entangled and confusing they become when it relates to family. Actually I suspect what makes this time of year the most difficult for most of us is family. No matter what the situation looks like. And then having to deal with that and what Christmas symbolises and without our normal supports is just that much harder. Even for those without family at all being bombarded with images of apparently blissful family celebrations is enough to cause distress.

I suspected something was going on in her own life, and I think I know now what that was

I think its very wise to speak about things directly. I have been in that situation as well. I suspect that dealing with it could be enough to the therapist to deal with what they need to. They can get supervision and support and unless it is extreme it probably won't necessitate a break. Its all the unspoken stuff that really messes with our heads isn't it.

 

[Hashi]

Thanks, Abstract. I completely understand what you say. For various reasons to do with sickness and manipulation, in a practical sense it would be harder to cope with making a break from family right now than it would be to keep seeing them. There are also things to do with my beliefs and how I want to heal.

You're right, the boundaries and feeling safe are the key things for me, but I think without breaking off contact. I didn't manage it well this year. I don't see them much apart from Christmas and New Year. Now the holidays are over and I'm SO GLAD.

I'm really looking forward to seeing my T in a couple of days. I'm hoping things will be OK. Her email last week was lovely. I have to go into London to see her, and I was there today to meet a friend (aha! doing things!). It made me feel like I'm starting to reconnect with the world outside my flat a little. It's such a relief. I don't want to sink any further into withdrawal. I'm glad I've been able to connect with people on the forum.

I think the break has made me feel more accepting of being dependent on my T. I can see how much that helps. I'm trying not to think things like she might move to Australia!

 

[Sailorgal]

Sounds like some life was breathed into you Hashi! Good for you getting out and reconnecting with ghe world. Sorry I couldn't quote you. You sound excited to take charge of your life! Woohoo!!!!

I hope you have a productive session with your T. And, there are ways to prevent people from leaving. He he he

 

[Hashi]

there are ways to prevent people from leaving. He he he

lol, not really the kind of thing I had in mind for my first session back. ;)

 

[Abstract]

Good luck to everyone seeing their therapists today!! :singing: Doing my cheerleader thing. ;) You can do it!:singing: