Sufferer Chris - Physical And Sexual Abuse As A Child

[a3a2]

Thank you all for the help and kind words - especially safenow,

Hi, Chris,

I have to second safenow's advice. Therapy has really helped me. And it can help your fiance understand what is going on, how she can help you and herself, too. My spouse always says therapy is the best investment we ever made, and I have to agree.

 

[Chris F.]

Unfortunately I do not have access or the means to any type of therapy. I've had little success with therapy in the past but I remain optimistic - unfortunately I won't have access to therapy until I acquire health insurance because it is financially infeasible at this point...

 

[timid_flower]

I can relate to a lot of what you said Chris. Two years ago, I was having similar symptoms and problems caused by them. I was diagnosed with PTSD last year.

I don't want to discourage you, but there is no quick fix to this. I remember going to my first appointment with my psychiatrist and right away he told me "I can't fix you. There is now magic wand I can wave to fix you". I felt discouraged and helpless, but I soon understood what he meant. Healing is quite a journey.

There is no way around it, we have to process the abuse and how it has affected us. It takes time and a lot of work, but it is possible to get better.

I can look back and see the progress I've made this past year. I still have bad days, my symptoms still act up and things become overwhelming. But I also have days when I'm okay. I feel better.

Feel free to ask questions. Like everyone here, I'll try to be as much help as possible. :)

Best wishes.

 

[Chris F.]

Again, thank you all for the kind words and support.

I do feel helpless sometimes. The stress and anguish internalized has been a burden throughout my childhood and adult life, that I have learned to accept, but the adverse effects and the deterioration of my health and well-being, my relationships, and almost every aspect of my life I can't ignore. and my mental state just seems to be crashing and all my bad memories are escaping the cupboard in my mind I locked them away in. I'm losing control.

That being said thank you all so much. This forum is my glimmer of hope.

I'll try very hard to be optimistic about all this.

 

[Chris F.]

My big question is; where do I start? How did you all gather up the courage to confront your demons? I want to change but I can't see any clear-cut path to follow.

 

[safenow]

When you lock ugly memories away and don't allow air to filter in, it festers and gets even uglier than it was to begin with. Don't open that cupboard alone. Rather allow air to filter in a little bit at a time. One thing that can help is keeping a journal. In fact two of them. One for the emotional side of things. One for positive things. I know that sounds like a lot, but believe it or not, both can help you to heal.

There is a place here under ptsd for dairy entries. Read what Anthony suggests before you begin, then just put down your thoughts. You'll be surprised how much it helps. Click on the "what's new" link, and read what others are talking about from time to time.

My demons were real people doing real bad things. I turned into a person with multiple personalities because I couldn't bear to face what was happening to me. But then, mine started very early in my life. Because I was so different, the doctor's back in those days wrote articles about my case in medical journals to help others learn how to treat people like me. They made a lot of mistakes, but they also helped me to become a human child. A strange one, but one nonetheless.

As a teen, and than an adult my trauma was compounded by new trauma which I had no way to cope with, since I had no family, no support of any kind. PTSD was inevitable. But it was still in the early days of treating non-military people, so once again they had no clue how to help, but at least they were trying.

There are lots of books on the market regarding trauma and treating it. I do recommend you go slow and easy. Don't try to do everything at once. Practice the grounding techniques first, and practice breathing in through your nose, slowly and deeply. Holding it a few seconds, then releasing it out through your mouth. Do it several times. These are called "cleansing breathes". They can slow you down and help calm you. Don't forget to go slow or you'll hyperventilate. With the breathing and grounding you can be ahead of the game.

Good luck on your journey and don't forget, we are all on your side.

safenow

 

[timid_flower]

How did you all gather up the courage to confront your demons?

To be honest, I don't think I would have been able to do it without professional help and medication. I wasn't sleeping and my symptoms were out of control. My life was falling apart. I knew I had to do something.

I started medication so I'd be stable enough to start therapy. I needed to process what I had been ignoring since childhood. For years, I lived in denial. I would not let myself think, much less talk about the abuse. When PTSD hit, I could no longer do that. There it was, all the time. As my therapist told me, it was my mind's way of saying "No more denying. You have this pain in limbo.. here it is, it's time to deal with it".

I know you said you don't have access to therapy right now. I think safenow's suggestion to start a journal may be a good start for you. My therapist actually recommended to do that, but I personally would only write when things were extremely bad.

I will say though, you have to be kind and patient with yourself. Bringing up all those memories and feelings is very difficult. So start slow and take your time.

Best wishes.