Enabling Reactions And Empathy.

[Abstract]

I should be looking at certain stuff but instead am avoiding. So here I am discussing something general like this! :rolleyes: Blah blah blah.

I have realised recently that I seem to at last be able to react in a way that is not necessarily in response to my over developed empathy and to do so in a way that is in the best interests of the person instead. Until I am directly threatened in real life sometimes that is. :rolleyes: Then I seem to loose my ability to function and think or protect myself at times.

But it took me a while to realise that empathy may help me feel what someone is feeling (always very useful) and understand it but that acting according to those feelings can at times encourage unhelpful behaviour in and for others. That "enabling" is doing anything that encourages or supports someone doing something that doesn't serve them in their lives whether it be directly or indirectly. And that sometimes it is the relief of appeasing those empathic feelings that can drive us and therefore be self serving in a way. I am able and willing to to be firm or questioning in a kind way when my instinct is to just be loving if I think it will help someone in the longer term. Even though it feels uncomfortable and painful to me to do so.

Empathy and feeling can even not be empathy at all. Empathy is when we accurately feel what someone else is feeling. Sometimes we can feel for the other person what we would feel and it isn't accurately what they are experiencing at all. I used to bleed for the world and with such intensity that it was a constant state of agony. Then I realised that at times others were not that upset at all. And when we do that it isn't empathy and is rather us loosing our boundaries and blending with others and assuming they have the same motivations and feelings that we do.

So even though my empathy is still extremely over developed I feel like I have more control over it and understand it better. Sometimes that feels hard and that I have lost something - almost an innocence - but mostly it helps me feel more centred in myself.

 

[JustBe]

Wow! This is something I definitly need to think about.

 

[maddog]

Yeah, me too, lots to think about here as well. Recently I've been trying to support a friend of mine who I got to know at a trauma in-patient programme. She has an abuse history which eerily mirrors my own, is facing some current struggles and dealing with those in ways which could easily be plucked from my own head, and is highly highly erratic, unstable and recklessly suicidal right now.

Being part of her world right now is opening my eyes to some very frightening, very troubling and quite overwhelming realms of my own capacity for empathy, relatedness, projection/transferrence etc, and is causing me more instability and grief than I can easily articulate right now.

Not sure I can say much more, but you give a lot of food for thought here Abstract - of the variety that is hard to swallow.

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

I seem to be unable to find a middle ground. I either have to cut ties or go in headfirst. All or nothing. I need to find a way to be supportive without losing myself.

 

[KP the nut]

This forum has helped me greatly with finding the middle ground.

It has taught me that I can support others but that my health and well being come first. My nature is to leap in and try and make everything better. I know I can't do that all of the time. If I did, I would be sucked in and sucked dry.

It is hard to back off and say no but it is a lesson I'm learning and more importantly to feel comfortable and not guilty with that decision.

 

[JustBe]

I bookmarked your last post KP. Maybe it will keep me on track! ;)

 

[saffy]

I totally get what you are saying.

For me just recently I am not automatically jumping to the 'rescue' because I can be very empathic at times. I always used to think I could help or I should be there for them and go out of my way offering and trying. I now think I can empathise, even sympathise, but I do not have to be the one to rescue this person. If I can I will but will not automatically start running around. And they do seem to appreciate that more for some reason. If that makes sense.

It feels that a huge burden is off my shoulders to be true. I feel I have more time for me because I am not focusing on everyone else all of the time.

I am giving myself empathy and time as well as others. I suppose.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[maddog]

Saffy, I think you've hit on something really important here. How we relate to others isn't only about us, it affects that person too. Demonstrating empathy for others and assisting them to help themselves is far far more empowering than "rescuing" them, which by its very nature implies that the person is unable to do it for themselves. As much as some people do appear to seek a rescuerer, I think in reality that the feeling that someone really is "rescuing" you is deeply disempowering and only serves to further feed the feeling that they require this and always will.

The best thing we can do for others is to bear witness to their journey and to support them on it, rather than to attempt to walk it for them. If we're really honest about it, enabling or rescuing behaviour is bad for both parties, while the reverse is true for those behaviours that build the capacity of the other person.

It's good to reflect on this, and timely for me right now.

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

Maddog, You put that so well. That is such an issue for me. I see someone hurting and I jump in both feet first without a thought for the long term consequences...even here on the forum.

I need to learn a healthier way to be.

 

[carey023]

Abstract, thank you so much for posting this topic. I am so glad I stumbled upon this post, as it is exactly what I was trying to work through at this moment. I wouldn't say I'm a rescuer, but I would say I'm overly supportive, and it's something that has always caused me trouble. I didn't realize there was a name for this - over developed empathy. I thought it was just me and felt frustrated that no one could understand. I have a very hard time believing that people are bad. I don't think this is necessarily a negative thing, as I'm able to draw the line at abusive behavior. But when it comes to less obvious things I tend to try to be compassionate. I always think that when people are mean or selfish or catty they very rarely are acting that way for the sake of it. Usually that person is insecure or dealing with their own issues. I don't condone the behavior, but I can have compassion for the individual and not label them as "bad" or "mean". This is probably true, and the world would be much better off if we all had a little more compassion, but unfortunately this isn't the case.

I think that in most cases there is something good you can find in every person, that there is always something you can make conversation about. For example, someone might be a gossip so they're not a good person to have as a close friend, but they could be a great companion for a night out. I find that thinking this way causes others to mistakenly think I'm letting people walk all over me, or that I don't have a spine. That's not true, but when someone is having a go at me and I know I'm probably not really the cause, I prefer to just step back and let them say their piece while having compassion for what they're going through.

I've found that this causes me a ton of trouble in relationships. I think I lack the gene that makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable - maybe this is a boundaries thing. Or maybe I'm just good at compartmentalizing. But I've never understood why people just cut others off because the relationship isn't perfect. If a romantic relationship isn't working out you can be friends as long as one hasn't hurt the other. I'm able to flip that switch in my brain from romance to friendship very easily. The same with friendships. You might discover over time that your friendship isn't as compatible as you thought, but you can still be acquaintances. There's no need to throw people away as long as they're not hurting you.

This has caused me a lot of issues because sometimes people just cut off contact and I genuinely don't understand why. I think there must have been a misunderstanding so if we clear the air everything will be fine. I think "I haven't done anything bad, so there's no need to give the silent treatment". Sometimes I push and push until the person can't stand me. They think I'm needy. Or they lose respect for me because they think by asking "Why?" that I'm asking "Why don't you like me? What should I change?". The reality is that I just genuinely can't wrap my brain around it and so have difficulty moving on. I'm genuinely asking "Give me a reason why so this will make sense to me", not tell me what's wrong with me. It's like my brain does not understand that whole thought process. My confusion is almost child like in a way. But it causes a lot of complications when I only ever have good intentions. And just like you all have said, when someone I do feel compassion for is struggling, I feel the pain so deeply. I even get upset during films. I remember watching the Titanic and not caring at all about the love story, but feeling so much pain for the real human beings that were in that disaster. It's emotionally draining.

I suppose this is something I should work on, but I don't know if I will ever fully understand the way other people think.

 

[saffy]

Demonstrating empathy for others and assisting them to help themselves is far far more empowering than "rescuing" them, which by its very nature implies that the person is unable to do it for themselves.

Yes that is so true. This is also what I learned was the leading principle in the person centred counselling course.

However, it has only just made sense. (I did not finish the course by the way, I had too many of my own issues to sort out first) :) I decided that I would practise this in everyday things that crop up with others and myself and found that I am much more able to help this way. Things are a lot clearer anyway. :) Although with others I do not do it to empower but to encourage and support.

Sometimes people can get the wrong idea and think I am after something or can mistrust my motives. Opposite scale I get people who just take take take and wear me down. I know now that I have to not get so involved and let them take some of the responsibility for growth. It takes a lot of pressure of me and I still get to feel peaceful in that I have helped them help themselves.

It is hard to know how far to go though sometimes when you have deep empathy. Because you really feel their pain it is nature to try and do everything you can to try and make them better and this sometimes does lead to unconscious directive help. They can even see it as overpowering or patronising or even become needy.

I think because I am very altruistic I can jump in too deep and end up in their with them, I should stay in shallow waters and guide them to me. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

I keep getting more clarity with this in how it relates to me and my past patterns I think, and that is helpful. It can be so complex I find. I am glad to see I am not the only one and that others understood what I was saying so well.

Essentially I think what I did was saw and felt the pain that I felt reflected in others and judged that quite accurately. True empathy if you like. But then I think I would not see the differences in the way that they expressed that pain. And I would therefore overlook it somehow. And really I suppose at that point it morphs over into projection. That maybe I was dealing with it in a way that would be best suited for me (if in their place) and not maybe what would be best for them.

Although I think some of it is literally that we are not therapists when it comes to ourselves and that certain behavior tends to easily cause a certain reaction in others.

Slowly I am finding I am more able to avoid just getting swallowed up in the emotions and the empathy to such an extent that I become blind. And that I can sometimes make choices that are painful when it is in the persons best interests; and in mine too.

And also to not loose my empathy and intuition at the same time.

It can be really complex when someone displays certain types of behavior. I can see how this ended up getting me into many not very safe situations in the past and how I still have to be careful of it in the present. Why does everything have to be so darn complicated!

I guess even though I have to micro manage myself in almost all respects I should be proud of the fact that I can actually do that and have the awareness that I need to!