Continuation Of Emotional Regulation Chat

[quaintpapercut]

I think I need to do some work on this - I tend to get overwhelmed by specific emotions very quickly and find it hard to shake. It's almost like a tsunami. For example, when my boyfriend and I fight or have a disagreement I very quickly get flooded with anger and hurt. Small arguments become problematic very quickly.

I'm realizing now that this is a big issue for me. For example, I can be sitting there wishing he would reach out me while also wanting to tell him that I hate him and never want to see him again. It's so confusing and hard to get out of.

 

[The Albatross]

If anyone has something that works well for the following and wants to share then that would be nice:
Shame
Anger
Hurt
Fear
Panic/anxiety

I did at one time a comprehensive study of the "appropriate" purpose for each of the emotions you mention. And a few more. I didn't though put them online anywhere or keep my notes.

I did though benefit from studying and learning the "healthy" experience emotions and common misconceptions or core beliefs and reasons for these feelings versus my notions of them.

I also did a 3 year study of godly character traits. I have benefited from both.

 

[Changing4Best]

Quint, My parents argued all the time when I was a kid, loud, swearing... I hated it! Thankfully my hubby was not that way, or I would not have been married to him for the 23 years that we were, until the day he died. He was a good man.

Arguements have two sides though, it is not a one sided thing. You need to look at your part in creating the argument. Prevention is part of it, unless you are with a very argumentative person, in which case you might not want to stay with that person. Just a thought...

If it is not a frequent thing, then regulation is something to work toward, for both of you too, in my opinion. Discuss it with him and see what he thinks.

 

[The Albatross]

QPC, as a couple we had counseling in "conflict resolution" and "communication"... however independently I needed some extra sessions to learn that my perceptions were skewed, I was triggered by conflicts, arguments or disagreements, and at my core, I had to realize I had very little ability to regulate my own emotions. A lot of work I was able to do independently, though we did have some couples sessions. My husband was mentored independently as well.

 

[maddog]

Unfortunately I missed the initial chat so am unsure of what has been discussed, but this topic is extremely relevant and interesting to me, as emotional regulation is one of my greatest ongoing struggles and challenges. One of my more dubious claims to fame is that a therapist at a recent in-patient treatment facility I attended told me I was the most emotionally disregulated person she had ever worked with (in her 15 years of working in the unit). And no, let's not even explore the reasons why she told me this...

Nonetheless, I have decided to turn this demoralising and devastating insight into a badge of challenge!

There's lots I want to say, and will come back, but as a starter I totally agree that exploring the healthy and appropriate reasons for, and experience of, negative emotions is a really really healthy and constructive place to start. There is such a thing as healthy shame, and valid and appropriate reasons for it, and as such, there are healthy and acceptable ways in which to experience shame. Exploring what some of these are, and how they feel physically, emotionally and in terms of thought patterns/cognitions, is something I found quite reassuring and calming, particularly as it can be used as a foundation upon which to begin to explore the alternate and contrasting experience of unhealthy shame.

One of the first steps towards emotional regulation for me was learning to recognize what is happening in my mind and body when I feel certain emotions, to develop a language of recognition and acknowledgement for these sensations and to learn grounding, self soothing and positive distraction strategies to allow me to start to learn to feel safe with the sensations and experiences of emotion. A huge huge first step, but a critical one.

Love/hate this topic, but do love discussing it!

Maddog

 

[quaintpapercut]

Thanks Sheila :)

And my parents argued all the time to. Very volatile, explosive arguments. In my case my boyfriend will do everything possible to avoid the conflict at hand. He'll minimize it or not acknowledge the issue at hand because he wants to avoid us arguing. I end up feeling unheard and sometimes just plain stupid.

I was triggered by conflicts, arguments or disagreements, and at my core, I had to realize I had very little ability to regulate my own emotions.

This is the case with me. Our arguments trigger me very easily and then I'm flooded by all of these conflicting emotions I don't know what to do with. Go away I hate you, where are you going?? I love you! How could you do this to me?

My therapist has spoken about my inability to regulate my emotion and I understood on an intellectual level. But now I'm like ahhhh. I get it.

Just another thing to add in the mix I guess.

 

[The Albatross]

The resource Shelia put up thread (stanford university link) and the "high conflict couplles" book I referenced might make a good start.

I also use an ACT approach (acceptance and commitment therapy)... my base book is "The Happiness Trap" where I am learning how to hold uncomfortable emotional states without creating chaos in my present and learning the transitory nature of the emotional landscape. If I am not "stuck", emotions come and go like clouds, in the emotional landscape. If I learn how to hold the uncomfortable ones, it is a matter of waiting for the landscape to change, provided I don't do anything to participate "in the crazy or cause unnecessary consequences" (the way I phrase it in my self talk). It can happen.

 

[quaintpapercut]

One of the first steps towards emotional regulation for me was learning to recognize what is happening in my mind and body when I feel certain emotions, to develop a language of recognition and acknowledgement for these sensations and to learn grounding, self soothing and positive distraction strategies to allow me to start to learn to feel safe with the sensations and experiences of emotion.

This is helpful. It makes sense that considering I have avoided emotions and feelings my entire life, effectively stuffing them down until they no longer existed, that I don't quite know what to do with them when I experience them. It's like trying to learn a new language.

I was never good at languages either.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I can't get the link to register for some reason.

f I learn how to hold the uncomfortable ones, it is a matter of waiting for the landscape to change, provided I don't do anything to participate "in the crazy or cause unnecessary consequences"

Yes. This. I have, for far to long participated in the crazy, causing emotional havoc in my life.

I think the key is sitting in it. I try to sit in it but the problem is that it lasts to damn long. What ends up happening is that I end up doing something in the moment that I think will make me feel better but in the long run it just makes everything so much more worse.

I know this sounds like a dumb question but how long does it take for things to change for you? My states can unfortunately last for hours and hours which is why I end up doing or saying things that I inevitably regret.

Thanks for the book suggestion. I need to get some resources and start working on myself more.

 

[The Albatross]

In AA they teach two weeks. I have found that to be pretty accurate for me unless I've had another trauma or am in a depressive cycle. Some times less, seldom more anymore. Most often something will change your focus, something more important (good or bad) to attend to in the next two weeks.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Thank you. You've been very helpful.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Nighthawlk - thanks for starting this thread. I have recently become aware of how new my awareness of my emotions is and the emotional flooding I am experiencing is really frightening me. Good to be able to read others experiences and start learning how to cope - hope we are able to a chat room in Australian Time Zone at some stage.

I tend to get overwhelmed by specific emotions very quickly and find it hard to shake. It's almost like a tsunami.

QPC - that's what I am going through - and it really scary. Glad to know that we are not alone....

but this topic is extremely relevant and interesting to me, as emotional regulation is one of my greatest ongoing struggles and challenges.

MD - this is a journey that I am just starting out on - its scary and complicated. Would be happy to hear what has worked for you so far.