After talking with my cousin last night, it is hard to describe how I'm feeling. I'm sure it is going to take several days for our conversation to sink in. I do know, off-hand, that I feel like the most heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
My cousin told me that at my mother's funeral, she asked my sister, where my brother and myself were. My sister's response was "later," in that there was going to be a memorial for my mother at her church of many years. My cousin told me that at the time she had a feeling, there would not be a memorial, and there wasn't.
Now, to see how dishonest my sister was then, and like my cousin said my fear of her was for self-perservation.
How to describe the feeling of finally being able to express my own feelings with another person which just so happens to be a relative about my family and feeling safe and heard!